How common is this regarding family members? - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

sunnydaze1 · 03-13-2007, 06:15 PM

Mom has very slight dementia and one child of hers (my sibling) ignores her for the simple fact that "it's too hard to handle". One of her own siblings is very temperamental with her at times.

It doesn't bother me that Mom has difficulties and isn't the same person she once was. I do much for her and would do anything to help her; somehow others, including her so called friends, have all but forgotten about her or don't care or don't want to deal with it.

Does this happen in other families? I realize, myself, that I'm lucky to have a mother that is still alive for one thing. Not to mention, I doubt I will be as sharp in my 80's than I am now.

I guess it just surprises me how cold people (including family members) can be towards the elderly...do they think they will never cross that road? I wonder.

Anybody that can identify with me, I'd love to read a response.

Martha H · 03-14-2007, 04:33 AM

Dear Sunny, Oh yes, I can identify with you! I was my Mom's caregiver for 5 years and lived with her. Certain family members just withdrew entirely, and as for friends, they disappeared in droves. My Mom used to be an active member of both a church and a senior center. At the center, people stopped sitting next to her at lunchtime, stopped walking with her, didn't invite her to go on group trips. She was just 'too difficult' and was no longer the good company she had always been.

People at church just ignored her. In all those years only one lady volunteered to pick Mom up and drive her to church (after Mom had to give up her car and had to take 2 public buses to get there) - she picked Mom up maybe 4 or 5 times.

After one confusing phonecall during which Mom kept asking the same question over and over again, other far off relatives just dropped her; she was no longer alive, as far as they were concerned.

The best and most loyal people, outside of my brother and myself, were her neighbors! We lived in an apartment house in Queens, NY and people in our building and futher down the block were helpful and friendly at all times. Many were new residents. Amazing. You never know who your real friends are until you are in need! (Let's all remember this when it comes to dealing with others.)

I wish you luck with your Mom; it is a sad disease.

Love,
Martha

LuvMyLilDoggie · 03-14-2007, 10:25 AM

I have a brother and a sister who want nothing really to do with dad. My sister won't even speak to him but that's a different story altogether. My brother only wants to see dad when he needs a place to stay. This is the one who CONSTANTLY asks about dad's will. Dad made his will out a few years before the onset of AD and dad made the choice not to include my brother. No one has the guts to tell him so we all just say we don't know what's in dad's will.

Dad kind of became reclusive after his retirement at 59 so he didn't have a lot of friends left. The ones he had have since all died. There is one person who has remained a constant helpful friend. That is my sister's FIL. He goes to my sister's house almost every morning and takes my dad for coffee or breakfast and for rides in the country which dad enjoys a lot.

I'm very thankful to my sister's FIL. Not only is he helping her out, but he's also helping dad maintain some form of socialization.

I think everyone on this board can relate to what you're going through. It seems that everyone has at least one family member who distances themselves from this disease.

Love, Barb

lollylegs · 03-14-2007, 12:23 PM

Hi sunny,

yes you certainly find out who you'ree real friends & family are when diagnosed with alzhiemers! I have 2 brothers who have nothing to do with mum. they say she is just 'putting it on' and she is being lazy. I also saw a lot of differences in family responses when working in aged care.

mum has one sister who is so loving and kind to her, another who is extremely abusive and I have banned her from any contact with mum. now she abuses me, it happpenned again last night.

I think people respond in different ways and for some it is easier to try and ignore what is happening. it is very confronting to see someone with dementia as it means it could be them one day, so it's easier to pretend it isn't happening. or if you can blame the person somehow for thier illness then this also gives an illusion that it won't happen to them. this is classic blaming the victim.

it can be so frustrating for those of us doing the caring! My mum is like a 3 year old. i get very angry when i see people treat her (or others) badly.

there are certainly many people her who have similair experiences with siblings.

take care

lolly

sunnydaze1 · 03-14-2007, 06:17 PM

Thank you for all your heartfelt responses. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in my family who cares enough about mom to forget all my own fears.

Apparently, God has given me the strength to put aside those fears and frustrations to help mom when she needs me the most.

Sad part is that she is not that "far gone" yet and she's already being abandoned and blamed for something she cannot control.

Bless you all for dealing with this disease.