Want to share your thoughts? - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

LuvMyLilDoggie · 03-13-2007, 07:20 PM

Well, dad has now started with stomach aches and trying to self medicate. My sister R left Maalox in his bedroom for him to take when he gets the stomach aches. A few nights ago, she came into the bathroom and found the Pepto Bismol she keeps in her bathroom cabinet all over the bathroom along with lots of do do. And the Maalox was nowhere to be found! So now she says she'll have to hide all medications. Hmmmm, I gave her that message when someone else posted here about having to lock things up. I guess she had to learn the hard way....

Dad had one of his "going home" days a few days ago. R said he packed his suitcase and walked out the door with his dog and said he was going home. He used to know where home is. I don't think he does anymore. And even if he does, he certainly can't remember how to get here.

I think he may be starting halucinations now too. He was SO CERTAIN he p'd off my BIL a while back. And my BIL was out of town when my dad said it happened.

He seems to have totally forgotten my mother who died 13 years ago. They were together for 33 years.

Today is dad's 81st birthday. R says she doesn't even think he knows it's his birthday. Since she is the one who was denying dad was getting worse, these recent revalations have me believing that this disease is moving faster than before.

My dad has never remembered my birthday because it's in September. And he never remembered my mom's birthday in August. But he always remembered R's birthday because her birthday is the day after his. Until now, that is. R told me they went to a really nice place for dinner last night in honor of dad's and her birthday. When I spoke to dad, I said "you must have had a great time at the dinner". He said "yeah, I told her she shouldn't have done that". And I joked back "that's ok. You can pay her back tomorrow by taking HER out for HER birthday". He said "oh yeah that's right". He forgot.

And so these are just my thoughts, not ranting or venting. Just thoughts.

I think I'm getting slowly to the point where I recognize that putting my thoughts into words before they become rantings or ventings, I'm a little more sane, just a little.....

(Not that there's anything wrong with venting. We all need to do it sometimes).

Would anyone care to share their thoughts before they become rants???

This is the safe zone.

Love, Barb

gdschillins · 05-23-2007, 06:40 PM

Barb,

I think in a strange way we get to go through this to be stronger.
There's many times I just want to type and get it all out. My way is through poems or songs. Sometimes I Just sit and pray.
The thing that irritates me the most though, is I'm trying so hard to show my mom that I'm here for her even though she never was there for me. I want her to see that I redid my house so my mom, who use to beat me up as a child, who told me she didn't want anything to do with me as an adult, that I forgive her and I still love her. Yet, every day, she's yelling and screaming that I've taken away her life and I've destroyed her independence. She is never satisfied with anything I do. Whether it's trying to get her involved with a daycare just for AD and Dementia patients to trying to get her into things at her church. So far everything is wrong. She even had the nerve to ask me the other day if it was ok if I left her at home (not that I would) so she didn't have to go to my daughters birthday.
If it was my oldest brother's daughter she would be all there for her. Infact she wanted to fly out to OH from VA all by herself to surprise my neice for her birthday.
My kids don't know her. My youngest is only 2 but she runs up to 'grandma' everytime my mom comes home from daycare and says, "ganma i miss you." My mom just pulls her off her leg and asks whats for dinner.
I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. I imagined this so different. Oddly I just know it was the right thing to do--I just wish I knew why!
I am frustrated, I'm even getting counseling myslef to aid in the decisions I make. I almost feel like I"m that little girl and my mom wants me to do what she says when she says it.
Last night she told me that she wasn't going to take her pills until I agreed to take her out of her daycare. I told her I wasn't going to nor was I going to leave her room until she took her pills. She finally took them. This morning she told me that her ear hurt and she couldn't go to daycare, in turn I told her that the doctors there would take good care of her. She stayed in bed most of the morning till one of my brothers came to pick her up. I guess this isn't going to be a smooth sailing after all. That's whats dreams are for right?

Martha H · 05-23-2007, 07:47 PM

You seem to be one of the many (often but not always girls) children who felt less loved than other siblings and now, in their parent's old age, bend over backwards to show Mom that we really are lovable after all. See, Mom? Look at all I am doing for you? And where are the other two? Where is the all time favorite older girl?

I am speaking from bitter experience. I lived with Mom for 5 years and the worse her dementia got the more I tried to show her I was the one and only child who would give up everything to help her. I neglected my teeth because I had no time to go to a dentist, re****ing in thousands of dollars of dental bills after I was finally settled where I am now.

I slept hardly at all, my whole life revolved around Mom and my job. I had no life for myself.

The result of these 5 years of devotion: Mom does not remember that I ever lived with her.

And while I was there she resented me and blamed me for her confusion. The best loved eldest sister also blamed me. Now, when that sister calls her, it is Christmas and her birthday all in one.

I was the unwanted second daughter. I spent many years of my life trying to make Mom love me at least as much as the others.

Mom is still my role model and I do not blame her for resenting a second baby 13 months after the first in the final years of the Great Depression, with no money. I understand. But it took me a long time to figure out why I clung to Mom so much, and refused for way longer than necessary to have her placed in a good NH. My sister never did anything for her, and remains the favorite. Go figure.

There must be a deep psychological reason for it. If you figure it out, let me know!

Love,
Martha

lollylegs · 05-27-2007, 03:05 PM

I too am really a little girl at heart trying to protect my mum from the abuse of the men in my family and trying to make her life a happy one.

growing up I was always trying to protect her, she was a very dependent person and I remember once in my early 20's her doctor said to me "you have 3 children, one of them will never grow up" then she explained that she was talking about my mother. She told me to get on with my own life and leave mum to depend on other people " once you go, she will just find someone else"... and she was right... she did just find someone else.. more abusers.

I always swore that I would never have her live with me and yet here I am. I am paying her bills and watching my plans for my life just fade away.

I just want my life back,

I feel like I am on a roller coaster that just keeps getting faster and faster...

I need to share my thoughts before they become a bitter rant...

When I left mum at the respite, my other family members found out somehow and caused a lot of distress. I just could not leave her there she was so vulnerable and the staff were unable to keep certain people from seeing her. I recieved abusive phone calls. This was worse for me than having her here. I had to choose what was best for me...

I took her out, I still had to pay the bill of course, nearly $600.... but the abuse I was subjected to nearly undid me completely. I am not going to have another breakdown.... so the stress of her living with me at this point is less than her being placed.

eventually it will change...

I don't want to be the little girl who was always wishing she was a son, and not a daughter.

but i still am....

LuvMyLilDoggie · 05-27-2007, 06:31 PM

I am so sorry for not responding sooner. My son is graduating high school next week and I'm busy preparing for the party and getting the house ready for out of town guests.

Oh boy do we have issues!!!!

I too always felt like the child who was less loved. As I said before, dad never even tried to remember my birthday or my mother's. My mom had two sons from a previous marriage. My dad had two adopted children (a son and daughter) from his first union. I was the first born of the two girls dad and mom had together. I was my dad's first biological child. You would think he would show a little affection or attention. Dad was a workaholic and when he wasn't working, he was at the bar drinking. So there really wasn't much time for any of us.

When I was a teenager, I was molested by my mom's sister's husband. I didn't have the courage to tell anyone for more than 10 years. I told my dad and my older sister. My dad said with a chuckle "So what do you want me to do about it?" My answer was "You want to know what I want you to do dad? I want you to care! I want you to give a damn or at least PRETEND like you do!" I'll never forget that.

I was given a lot of love and attention by my mom. She loved me just because I was hers. She is the one who taught me what love is. Dad never taught me anything except for how to try to win approval.

I spent all of my caregiving time trying to get his approval or acceptance. It wasn't until long after I gave up on my quest for acceptance and relinquished my role of caregiver to my younger sister that I got what I had always prayed for. My dad never told me he loved me. He tells me now. I'm sure these changes have a lot to do with the progression of AD but hey, I'll take it however I get it.

When I was his caregiver, he abused me horribly. Verbal abuse was always there. There was never physical abuse but it came very close sometimes. My dad would always tell me that he was going to R's house where he can get some peace and quiet. He always made sure he told me how unhappy he was with me, that I didn't do things right. He never liked my husband and was always throwing digs at him. And then he'd say how great R's husband M was.

I still wonder why I strived for so long for approval and acceptance from my dad. I'm almost certain it never would have happened if he didn't have AD.

For those of you who have your parents in your home, boy do I understand. I too was dealing with raising a child, taking care of my dad and husband and dealing with the past. It sure does seem as though everything is coming at you all at once. And it is. The best advice I can give you is try to take things one day at a time. A friend told me today "Don't give $1,000 to a 10 cent problem." In other words don't spend all your time and energy on something that doesn't need it all. Pick and choose the things that need to be dealt with now. If you try to manage it all at the same time, something's bound to get neglected. And that something is most likely YOU.

And remember that the only one who's opinion counts regarding you is YOURS! It's how you feel about YOURSELF at the end of the day that counts.

May we all find what our hearts are searching for.

Love, Barb