Well, dad has now started with stomach aches and trying to self medicate. My sister R left Maalox in his bedroom for him to take when he gets the stomach aches. A few nights ago, she came into the bathroom and found the Pepto Bismol she keeps in her bathroom cabinet all over the bathroom along with lots of do do. And the Maalox was nowhere to be found! So now she says she'll have to hide all medications. Hmmmm, I gave her that message when someone else posted here about having to lock things up. I guess she had to learn the hard way....
Dad had one of his "going home" days a few days ago. R said he packed his suitcase and walked out the door with his dog and said he was going home. He used to know where home is. I don't think he does anymore. And even if he does, he certainly can't remember how to get here.
I think he may be starting halucinations now too. He was SO CERTAIN he p'd off my BIL a while back. And my BIL was out of town when my dad said it happened.
He seems to have totally forgotten my mother who died 13 years ago. They were together for 33 years.
Today is dad's 81st birthday. R says she doesn't even think he knows it's his birthday. Since she is the one who was denying dad was getting worse, these recent revalations have me believing that this disease is moving faster than before.
My dad has never remembered my birthday because it's in September. And he never remembered my mom's birthday in August. But he always remembered R's birthday because her birthday is the day after his. Until now, that is. R told me they went to a really nice place for dinner last night in honor of dad's and her birthday. When I spoke to dad, I said "you must have had a great time at the dinner". He said "yeah, I told her she shouldn't have done that". And I joked back "that's ok. You can pay her back tomorrow by taking HER out for HER birthday". He said "oh yeah that's right". He forgot.
And so these are just my thoughts, not ranting or venting. Just thoughts.
I think I'm getting slowly to the point where I recognize that putting my thoughts into words before they become rantings or ventings, I'm a little more sane, just a little.....
(Not that there's anything wrong with venting. We all need to do it sometimes).
Would anyone care to share their thoughts before they become rants???
I think in a strange way we get to go through this to be stronger.
There's many times I just want to type and get it all out. My way is through poems or songs. Sometimes I Just sit and pray.
The thing that irritates me the most though, is I'm trying so hard to show my mom that I'm here for her even though she never was there for me. I want her to see that I redid my house so my mom, who use to beat me up as a child, who told me she didn't want anything to do with me as an adult, that I forgive her and I still love her. Yet, every day, she's yelling and screaming that I've taken away her life and I've destroyed her independence. She is never satisfied with anything I do. Whether it's trying to get her involved with a daycare just for AD and Dementia patients to trying to get her into things at her church. So far everything is wrong. She even had the nerve to ask me the other day if it was ok if I left her at home (not that I would) so she didn't have to go to my daughters birthday.
If it was my oldest brother's daughter she would be all there for her. Infact she wanted to fly out to OH from VA all by herself to surprise my neice for her birthday.
My kids don't know her. My youngest is only 2 but she runs up to 'grandma' everytime my mom comes home from daycare and says, "ganma i miss you." My mom just pulls her off her leg and asks whats for dinner.
I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. I imagined this so different. Oddly I just know it was the right thing to do--I just wish I knew why!
I am frustrated, I'm even getting counseling myslef to aid in the decisions I make. I almost feel like I"m that little girl and my mom wants me to do what she says when she says it.
Last night she told me that she wasn't going to take her pills until I agreed to take her out of her daycare. I told her I wasn't going to nor was I going to leave her room until she took her pills. She finally took them. This morning she told me that her ear hurt and she couldn't go to daycare, in turn I told her that the doctors there would take good care of her. She stayed in bed most of the morning till one of my brothers came to pick her up. I guess this isn't going to be a smooth sailing after all. That's whats dreams are for right?
You seem to be one of the many (often but not always girls) children who felt less loved than other siblings and now, in their parent's old age, bend over backwards to show Mom that we really are lovable after all. See, Mom? Look at all I am doing for you? And where are the other two? Where is the all time favorite older girl?
I am speaking from bitter experience. I lived with Mom for 5 years and the worse her dementia got the more I tried to show her I was the one and only child who would give up everything to help her. I neglected my teeth because I had no time to go to a dentist, resluting in thousands of dollars of dental bills after I was finally settled where I am now. I slept hardly at all, my whole life revolved around Mom and my job. I had no life for myself.
The result of these 5 years of devotion: Mom does not remember that I ever lived with her. And while I was there she resented me and blamed me for her confusion. The best loved eldest sister also blamed me. Now, when that sister calls her, it is Christmas and her birthday all in one.
I was the unwanted second daughter. I spent many years of my life trying to make Mom love me at least as much as the others.
Mom is still my role model and I do not blame her for resenting a second baby 13 months after the first in the final years of the Great Depression, with no money. I understand. But it took me a long time to figure out why I clung to Mom so much, and refused for way longer than necessary to have her placed in a good NH. My sister never did anything for her, and remains the favorite. Go figure.
There must be a deep psychological reason for it. If you figure it out, let me know!
I too am really a little girl at heart trying to protect my mum from the abuse of the men in my family and trying to make her life a happy one.
growing up I was always trying to protect her, she was a very dependent person and I remember once in my early 20's her doctor said to me "you have 3 children, one of them will never grow up" then she explained that she was talking about my mother. She told me to get on with my own life and leave mum to depend on other people " once you go, she will just find someone else"... and she was right... she did just find someone else.. more abusers.
I always swore that I would never have her live with me and yet here I am. I am paying her bills and watching my plans for my life just fade away.
I just want my life back,
I feel like I am on a roller coaster that just keeps getting faster and faster...
I need to share my thoughts before they become a bitter rant...
When I left mum at the respite, my other family members found out somehow and caused a lot of distress. I just could not leave her there she was so vulnerable and the staff were unable to keep certain people from seeing her. I recieved abusive phone calls. This was worse for me than having her here. I had to choose what was best for me...
I took her out, I still had to pay the bill of course, nearly $600.... but the abuse I was subjected to nearly undid me completely. I am not going to have another breakdown.... so the stress of her living with me at this point is less than her being placed.
eventually it will change...
I don't want to be the little girl who was always wishing she was a son, and not a daughter.
I am so sorry for not responding sooner. My son is graduating high school next week and I'm busy preparing for the party and getting the house ready for out of town guests.
Oh boy do we have issues!!!!
I too always felt like the child who was less loved. As I said before, dad never even tried to remember my birthday or my mother's. My mom had two sons from a previous marriage. My dad had two adopted children (a son and daughter) from his first union. I was the first born of the two girls dad and mom had together. I was my dad's first biological child. You would think he would show a little affection or attention. Dad was a workaholic and when he wasn't working, he was at the bar drinking. So there really wasn't much time for any of us.
When I was a teenager, I was molested by my mom's sister's husband. I didn't have the courage to tell anyone for more than 10 years. I told my dad and my older sister. My dad said with a chuckle "So what do you want me to do about it?" My answer was "You want to know what I want you to do dad? I want you to care! I want you to give a damn or at least PRETEND like you do!" I'll never forget that.
I was given a lot of love and attention by my mom. She loved me just because I was hers. She is the one who taught me what love is. Dad never taught me anything except for how to try to win approval.
I spent all of my caregiving time trying to get his approval or acceptance. It wasn't until long after I gave up on my quest for acceptance and relinquished my role of caregiver to my younger sister that I got what I had always prayed for. My dad never told me he loved me. He tells me now. I'm sure these changes have a lot to do with the progression of AD but hey, I'll take it however I get it.
When I was his caregiver, he abused me horribly. Verbal abuse was always there. There was never physical abuse but it came very close sometimes. My dad would always tell me that he was going to R's house where he can get some peace and quiet. He always made sure he told me how unhappy he was with me, that I didn't do things right. He never liked my husband and was always throwing digs at him. And then he'd say how great R's husband M was.
I still wonder why I strived for so long for approval and acceptance from my dad. I'm almost certain it never would have happened if he didn't have AD.
For those of you who have your parents in your home, boy do I understand. I too was dealing with raising a child, taking care of my dad and husband and dealing with the past. It sure does seem as though everything is coming at you all at once. And it is. The best advice I can give you is try to take things one day at a time. A friend told me today "Don't give $1,000 to a 10 cent problem." In other words don't spend all your time and energy on something that doesn't need it all. Pick and choose the things that need to be dealt with now. If you try to manage it all at the same time, something's bound to get neglected. And that something is most likely YOU.
And remember that the only one who's opinion counts regarding you is YOURS! It's how you feel about YOURSELF at the end of the day that counts.
May we all find what our hearts are searching for.
ok. Here's more thoughts sorry!
My brother convinced my mom of giving him $500 loan. Ok I've said this before. But now my husband is downstairs and that women is totally defending my brother and calling me the liar. When does it stop??? I'm the one that helps her. I'm the one that takes her to her doctors and opens up my house and lets her live here. Why am I the one lying to her??? Why am I the one that is the bad person in this??? My husband is totally playing this all off as if she's 'right' because he's not wanting to bring friction between all of us. GOOD LORD!!! Now all I'm going to hear is how my husband agrees and how I'm the unloving inconsiderate one. AAAAHHHH! Sometimes I honestly wish she wasn't on any meds. When they were trying to get her meds situated my mom actually told me everyday how much she loved me and how much she was so happy that I was doing for her. Now that she's on this meds she's been so downright mean and walking all over me. Is it wrong for me to wish she wasn't d oing so good? I'm so hurt by the way she treates me after all I've tried really hard to do for her. But what can I do? I don't feel right just throwing her in an ALF or NH. They suck around here unless you got money and lots of it!
Gdschillins, please don't apologize. That is why I started this tread. Feel free to use this thread for the reason it was intended.
I know sometimes it seems like the whole world is against you no matter how much you do for your mom. What your saying brings me back a few years to when my dad was living with me. I had much the same feelings you're discribing now. I remember wishing dad had never come down with this disease at first. Then as it progressed and he got worse toward me, I remember thinking death might be better. Of course I would never do anything to harm my dad but I was wishing this all to be over with soon. I was physically and emotionally exausted.
You said that your mom started being like this when she was put on medication. I wonder if a change in medication or dosage might help a little.
The money thing... I was accused so many times of taking or losing his money. Funny thing was (and still is) that he trusts the one he should never trust, the one who robbed him BLIND.
Dad isn't so much into the money thing now from what I hear. But then again, he's with the one he trusts.....
I want you to know that it's ok to feel the way you feel. Don't feel guilty though. You are doing well above and beyond the call of duty. I hope your husband isn't agreeing with your mom about what she's accusing you of. If he is, I'm sure it's just to pacify her. Maybe you could talk to him about this. If she talks to him saying you're stealing money or whatever, maybe he could say something like "I went with her to put the money in the bank" or "She paid that bill. I know because I mailed it for her." This way he's not really disagreeing with her and he's not making it sound like he agrees with her.
Thanks so much. I'm numb now. All night long she talked to my husband and I would grab a conversation here and there as she talked abou how I was a difficult child and how I never listened to her. I told my husband today that I'm not worried anymore if she goes to a ALF. Maybe it'll be better tomorrow.
I haven't posted about my mother in quite awhile here. She's still verbally abusive (HORRIBLY SO), and at times, will become physically abusive. We FINALLY got her into her doctor last week, after she cut her leg a couple of weeks ago (AND REFUSED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR THEN), and he put her on Paxil to try to curb her depression, and anger. She was more like herself over this past Memorial Day weekend. Until last night...she wanted to go lay down for a few minutes last night, before going to bed for the night. When she woke up, she came down the hall with a wild look in her eyes, and I led her back to her bedroom. I talked to her for a minute, then asked if she wanted to go back into the living room where dad was for a few minutes.
She looked at me, and that cold, icy look came back into her eyes, and she started in...and by the time she was finished, I was the worst child she'd ever had. Gee, that's funny...not more than 2 hours before that, she said she didn't know what she would do without me. She was the same way this morning when I left for work.
And of course, she had to examine my clothes before I left, because I'm stealing her clothes, you know. NOT! I fully expect to hear all about it when I get home this evening....WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES...I KNOW YOU HAVE THEM!! Gee mom...maybe if you stopped moving them every time you turn around, you'd find them!
So I can TOTALLY relate to those who are degraded for being the only ones who will actually stay with their loved ones.
So it's not going to get better is it? I read somewhere that if a AD/D person did something in their normal lives then when the disease worsens that particular thing they did only increases. The doctor told me that as her VD worsens so will her need to yell and scream, her need to clean, her need to be religeous. I don't know, I went into this believing that the more I do for her the less 'abusive' she would be towards me. This is the same person that tried to kill me as a child, the same person that told all her friends that I hate her after she told me to stay out of her life. I was really hoping that my mom and I could for once have a 'friendship' to be happy about.
June is never easy for me. My dad died 6 years ago from liver disease, I found him 19 hours after he died. The night my family came together to plan the funeral all my mom could say was, "I'm glad he's finally dead, now you should look to me, because one day I'm going to die too." Sometimes I wish she was the one that died and I was taking care of my dad right now instead. I wonder why life works out the way it does. What am I suppose to learn from all of this? My dad was my best friend apart from God and my husband. Why?
[QUOTE=gdschillins;3035589]So it's not going to get better is it? I read somewhere that if a AD/D person did something in their normal lives then when the disease worsens that particular thing they did only increases. The doctor told me that as her VD worsens so will her need to yell and scream, her need to clean, her need to be religeous. I don't know, I went into this believing that the more I do for her the less 'abusive' she would be towards me. This is the same person that tried to kill me as a child, the same person that told all her friends that I hate her after she told me to stay out of her life. I was really hoping that my mom and I could for once have a 'friendship' to be happy about.
Dear gds ... I can identify with you so much. Yes, it seems to me that the above is true. If the person was always a little controlling and suspicious, they will get much more so. My Mom was always friendly and nice, and that has remained. But my brother's MIL became a raving, accusing, spitting and unbearable person .. every negative aspect of her personality greatly increased.
My Mom once told me (I was 14 at the time) that when she got pregnant with me, and having a 4 month old already, she tried everything to get rid of me. I look back and understand that this is why I lived with her for 5 hard years - I wanted to prove how great it as that I lived! But Mom soon forgot we ever lived together ...
Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for any bizarre behavior. It comes with the territory. Get as much outside help as you can. Don't let her get YOU crazy!
I blew it again yesterday. Am I really cut out for this. I try so hard to do right. I was so mad. I treated the situation as if it was my real rational mother that always disliked me. I was more angry out of fear than out of actual anger and I directed it at her.
Tuesday I was with my husband getting our car fixed. My mom is allowed to stay home alone for up to 4 hours. She wasn't home more than 2 when my brother called me and informed me that he was taking my mom to his house. Since there really wasn't anything I could do to stop them I said, >please don't forget to take her meds and put them in 3 bags so you have the three times> He said that my mom already said she got her pills in her purse. I told him to make sure what she got because she has a sure way of loosing her pills even if I walk into her room with them all in my hand then when she goes to take them she's droppedsome here and there. My mom screamed from the other end--i'm not a baby!
I got a call around 2pm wed and was told by myh mom that I had to of put her pills in wrong because she can't find this or that and she knows she doesn't take this many pills in the evening. All I toldher was that I didn't have time to argue about it and I told my brother to put them in separte bags and you insisted you knew what you were talking about so you just dump them in your purse. She hung up.
Around 3 I got a call from my brother and was told that he was going to take mom to a movie. I told him to be home at a reasonable time because mom had to go to daycare at 7 on thursday. Around 9:30 I called his house to fined out where she was. No answer. I called at 10 then left another message around 10:30pm. I sat up in my daughter's bed waiting and dozed off. Around 2am she still wasn't home and I called my brother again. This time he answered. I explained that I had been frantic trying to figure out if they had gotten into an accident. He told me that she called and left a message around 11 and told me she was staying over my brothers house another night. I was still very upset. SO I called back. My mom told my brother that she had all her pills she thought and she'd be ok and brother would take her to daycare.
I was upset because they only called once. They called my cell phone several times but never left a message (my cell goes off as soon asa I go home). He told me at 3 they were going to a movie and he knew to get her home at a resonable time. I know what pills she did have has probably been mixed together so she has no idea (as much as she wants to) what pills to take. They didn't have to go to his house after the movie to call me they could have just come here they know that I keep the alarm off until she walks through the door and he has brought her home late before so that was no issue.
The next day at daycare I called and told them what happend. trying despartly to figure out my mom's point of view they found her to tell all of them different stories. One was I was out of town, one was, she's not allowed to call my cell, onewas she's not a baby and she's a big girl and no one has the right to treat her as such. However she wanted all of her morning pills other than she is sure she took what looked like an axiety pill and her allergy pill. She had no pain pills. She had at least 5 for tuesday and 5 for wed as I relaized that she took all her pills for wed. When she got home she told me that she took her aricept. I was so frustrated. I asked her to dump out her purse. She told me that what she took was none of my busniess. I asked her to give me all her meds she told me that she could do it herslef. I told her that she was going with me to see her grandaughter preform and she told me she wasn't going. It was I'd ask or rather frustrately ask and she'd scream no. I told her the whole thing was handled wrong. She then told me that my brother and his wife went into one movie and she went into another. Oh that ended the cake there. I was mad. I told her that that was an unwise thing and her perfect brother should know that's unacceptable. It went downhill from there.
The dr.s called yesterday and informed me that they were backing her down on her aricept instead of 10mg they were going to 5mgs. Personally--i'm happy with the change. We all wanted my mom to remember the way she use to. Even though 10mg allows her to remember certain things it has created a monster. The nurses even told me thats what happens with some patients. Maybe once she's settled on her new quota she'll be more relaxed.
thanks for listening and any feed back would be great.
Just one quick piece of advice - don't try to reason with her. There is no sense in it because she forgets what she just heard ... oh, also 1 more - don't believe anything she tells you It is highly unlikely that she went into a different movie. I don't believe it ....
I can SO relate to what you are going through because I have been there myself. Mom is in that place where she doesn't think anything is wrong with her. She has some memory but get it all confused in her head and creates "a reality of the moment" as I I call it. To make matters worse she has Dad to blame everything on. I have learned that I can not reason with her. Her inability change focus makes it hard to distract her. So sometimes I just have to ride it out until I can get her mind to switch to another place and time. Always remember... it is not your Mom doing these things. Who ever on this board said it was "the imposter" was brilliant. You are dealing with an imposter. My prayers are with you and with all of you. You have become a lifeline in the few short days I have been here. Thank you all!!!!
Hi GD, Hope you don't mind if I share some of my observations based on what you said.
You're trying to come to terms with your past relationship with your mom while trying to come to terms with her disease and how it's affect her and you now.
Just those two things alone are enough to stress a person out. I know because I've been thru that with my dad.
On top of all of that, you're dealing with combativeness and verbal abuse. You know it's not her. It's the disease. But that doesn't make it any easier for you. What you're dealing with every day is enough to drive most people to tears. So don't beat yourself up for making mistakes or losing your temper. You're human. It's gonna happen.
It sounds to me like your brother may be in deep denial about what's happening to your mom or how bad it really is. And maybe he just doesn't want to risk stepping on her toes by checking her purse and making sure she's getting the right meds at the right time.
Your mom said she saw a different movie than your brother. Maybe she did or maybe she forgot your brother was right next to her in the dark. If you didn't check the facts with your brother first before assuming mom was right, then yeah, you probably should have. But again, you're human. Mistakes happen.
And maybe some of the anger should have been directed at your brother for being a bit irresponsible. But then again, you're human and he's human too.
If you haven't done so already, I suggest you and your brother go someplace where you can speak with each other privately and discuss calmly and in depth what is going on with your mom. Be specific. Leave nothing out. Kindly tell him how you feel and how this is affecting you. And listen to him. He's not caring for your mom every day like you are. But this is affecting him in some way. He's losing his mom too.
Oh a suggestion about the pills...keep the bottles hidden from her. She could be taking too much of some and not enough of others. Put only enough out for her next dose and put it out only when it's almost time to take it.
And instead of putting her medicine in bags, try putting them in old medicine bottles so she thinks she's still in charge of her medication. The only disadvantage to that is you might get tired of hearing she's almost out of pills.