At what point do you put him/her into assisted living? - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

UJG · 03-23-2007, 04:11 PM

What's up everyone. So, my dad is a strong minded stage 5 82-year-old. I'm 26. I just moved out here 6 months ago to look after him because he's no longer able to. I left my friends, job, everything. Since moving out here I haven't been able to find work because I've been so preoccupied with my dad. I've applied him for veteran's benefits, closed on a house, moved his stuff to new home, moved my stuff into new home (with dad), got him diagnosed, did address changes for both of us, signed him up for auto debit withdrawls for all of his bills, and act as a full time chauffeur. Meanwhile, he doesn't trust me with his money (I know, I know, it's common among alz patients but nevertheless frustrating), is constantly sarcastic and negative, and generally just not fun to be around. I think he'd feel better about the money situation if I had a job, but don't know how to balance my dad with a job.

I looked into assisted living facilities, found one that's nice, brought him there for a tour, and put him on the waiting list. He seemed okay with it (about a month ago) but last time he mentioned it he thought he was going into an assisted living facility because our house was being foreclosed on (????). I want to work and make friends but I've been too busy at home with dad. I want to put him in an assisted living ficility, not only for me, but also so he can make friends and interact with some people instead of being anxious around the house or asking me to drive him places. I don't even know if I'm coming across as being selfish or not. It's hard to step outside the box and analyze a situation that you're an active participant in. Anyways, at what point is it appropriate for someone to move into assisted living?

Titchou · 03-23-2007, 05:38 PM

Why not try putting him in adult day care for a while? That would give you free time during the day and more interaction for him.

Martha H · 03-23-2007, 06:06 PM

Here's my opinion, for whatever it may be worth~

The time has come to put the loved one into assisted living (if he is in stage 5 AD he is too far gone for assisted living) or a good nursing home is quite simple. That time has come when the frustrations of dealing with him are outweighing any benefits he may have from being with 'family' instead of professional caregivers. When the time comes that his caregiver is angry and annoyed at him and actually can't stand living with him any longer (I am not being critical of you, this is exactly what happened to me when I lived with my mother except that I had a full time job as well as all day and all night duty with her) it is time to hand over his care to professionals on 8 hour shifts, always fresh and clear and ready to face their shift with love and patience and understanding. The group activites and supervision of medicine taking, bathing, eating, and help with turning on the TV (my Mom couldn't either) are just side benefits - the main thing is that the person will be safe, clean, not being harassed (as he sees it), not reponsible to remember anything or accomplish anything, and at peace. I highly recommend you get your dad into such a place. It is expensive, but worth it.

Good luck!

Martha

sunnydaze1 · 03-23-2007, 07:35 PM

I really have no advice for you except that I admire a young man of your age that has taken on such responsibility. Let me tell you, some men twice your age wouldn't know how to cope with what you are dealing with.

Your dad is very luck to have such a caring son, but don't put your own life on hold. See if you can get some other family members involved in decision making if you can. Best of luck!

onedaysoon · 03-24-2007, 07:35 AM

Hello UJG. I totally agree with Martha. Even if you were to get your father into an assisted living facility with him at Stage 5, would he be able to stay there long? That would end up meaning another move to a nursing home. That could be very difficult for him to handle. His safety and your peace of mind knowing he is well cared for need to be considered.
Good luck.