clearing out the family home - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

zonk · 04-07-2007, 05:32 AM

feeling very tired and emotional
my parents were both hoarders (as I suspected)
today I managed to deal with mums and dads personal stuff, I threw away their passports, glasses, jewellery etc etc
clothing to charity.
t/row I have to negotiate with my brother over furniture, paintings, ornaments etc
I found and read mum`s diaries from the first time I took her to the neurologist up until and after dads death
not feeling so lucky today. :-(

Martha H · 04-07-2007, 05:40 AM

That is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. When it's done there will be a sense of closure - "now it's over."

If you don't feel up to it, can you put off the house clearing until a month or two later? It is a very painful thing.

I cleared out Mom's things before she went to live with Bill and I moved to Indiana ... there was no room in Bill's house for much of her furniture, so all of that went (much to a family of new immigrants in the neighborhood) except a bed, 2 dressers, and a china closet. I also sorted out her clothes, gave many away, threw many out, since there were things in Mom's closet which were stained, too big (she had shrunk), or too shabby to wear.

Some things were and stayed missing - the German Christmas tree ornaments she had carefully transported here from Germany in 1926. I have no idea whether she gave them away or threw them out, perhaps along with a tree, after she became ''confused."

It is a daunting task. It might be good for you to get it over with once and for all ...

Love,

Martha

petal*pusher · 04-07-2007, 10:20 AM

Zonk...you'll get thru it...you'll learn a lot about your parents, and perhaps even be surprised in some ways...but you WILL get thru it!

Three of my siblings and I lived close enough to Mom's 5-bedroom house (and basement...and garage...and big barn!) that the responsibility of "cleaning house" became ours! (Two siblings live far away.) Honestly...it took almost a year of Saturday workshops to sort, dispose, and clean up our family homestead. Sometimes tempers flared...other times we found ourselves laughing out of control at how much Mom had stored away! We even looked up a website about "hoarding" and realized the challenges each of us were apt to give our OWN children! This hoarding business can be a learned trait passed down to children! Argh!!

Since our Mother was still alive in an Alzhiemer's facility, we decided to store the antique furniture and items that we knew should be saved...then held an "estate sale" to dispose of the rest. I remember long-time neighbors stopping by because they wanted to see all six of us...and sharing some good memories. There were still items left that were donated.

After several months of paying storage out of $$ made at the sale, I suggested simply going ahead and dividing everything up...or each of us paying toward the bill, since what had been saved was not for Mom's benefit, but ours. It took another year for this to become my BROTHER"S idea...then we did it. Unfortunately, tempers flared, and the division in my family among some members has been difficult.

I've been looking at my own closets and collections in a whole different manner now! Never would I want to put my own children thru this experience!..........Pam

LuvMyLilDoggie · 04-07-2007, 05:50 PM

I live in my dad's house. He is several hundred miles away with my sister. I need to go through his bedroom as he, too was a pack rat. My sister and I went through the garage and cleared that out several years ago. My dad left here almost 3 years ago and I'm still just doing a little at a time although not much here lately I must admit.

Really all I need to do is sift through the PILES of mail in his bedroom. That won't be too hard because all of it is at least 3 years old. Most of my furniture is in storage. As things have been breaking/wearing out, I've been replacing it with my furniture. WHen my dad goes, my sister will take whatever she wants. I won't argue over anything, not even the house that I've been taking care of these past few years and even before.

I went through that stage of transition. That's what you're experiencing now, Zonk. Everyone is different but what really helped me is being able to do this thing slowly. If I had to do it as fast as you are, I don't know if I would have been able to handle it. When I work on getting rid of things, I'm ok for a while. Then the tears flow. Then I allow myself some time to grieve. And then I start all over again. At least I can do it in stages.

I know this is really heartbreaking. You will get through this and as hard as it seems right now, you will feel relief once it's done and you won't have to worry about having to do it anymore.

Love and big hugs,

Barb

zonk · 04-08-2007, 05:45 AM

Martha, I had been putting this off for some time,beacause it is daunting but my mantra has become "just do what needs to be done even if you dont want to" eg..placing mum permantely (sp)but I figured since it was easter hols and I had 4 days off work I could start doing it
I had already put off since mid jan (when mum went into permanent care)
I also threw away dads birthday cards and wedding anniversary cards to mum...I am a tough cookie,but I am the opposite of a hoarder, constantly feeling the need to clean out my cupboards.
Pam, there is only me and my brother, and we have never got along, so I empathise with your experience. My brother and I have decided to divide up the furniture equitably, but honestly I really dont want a lot of stuff
but I figure it will take at least six months of visits (weekly) to mums home to sort it all out.....ornaments, paintings,...at least 25 or so,books,photo albums, drawers and drawers filled with paperwork, silver cutlery,multitutes of crystal ware,clocks, need I go on?
I too, would never inflict this on my children...but dad could never forcast his brain tumour or mum her AD and realise the impact on their children regarding dividing their possessions...it is what it is.
barb,
thankyou for your kind support
your dad has mail 3 years old, not trying to compete but my parents have still got tax returns from the 1970`s

I am the sister coming into the family home and taking whatever I want (although I havent)
my brother lived with my parents practically his whole life
I felt VERY uncomfortable today saying I want this furniture and that furniture and I told my brother so
he is keeping the 3/4 of the household furniture
and I really dont care ...see my new post(maybe tomorrow) as to why...god I HATE bickering over stuff that might "be worth something"
but as my current mantra is "do what you have to do"
the worst is yet to come....
still my worst day ever was moving mum into permanent care
this is easier than my father dying of an inoperable brain tumour
this is easier than the day my mum was diagnosed with AD
its a walk in the park, comparitively (sp)
Warm regards,
Jo