It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-17-2007, 10:24 AM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Frankli, La, USA
Posts: 4
julie47 HB User
Not sure what to do?

My mother lives with my husband and I. Unfortunately I have to work all day and my husband works offshore 7 and 7. Most of the time she is happy and I make sure she takes all medication because she does have other health issues. But yesterday when I went home for lunch she have a funney look on her face and I asked what was wrong she started yelling and saying that I always tell her what to do, I don't want her there, and I yell at her all the time. This is not like her we have always talked about her moving in with us and it was always know. Never a big deal this was even years before her diagnoise. I was so up set I left early crying my eyes out and my heart was broke. When I got home she did not remenber the exact fight but remember we had words. No real big deal. Is this something that happens alot. Anything I can do to avoid this. I don't want to put her in NH we live in some town and it's not the best situation. Please give advice.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-17-2007, 10:27 AM   #2
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Frankli, La, USA
Posts: 4
julie47 HB User
Re: Not sure what to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by julie47 View Post
My mother lives with my husband and I. Unfortunately I have to work all day and my husband works offshore 7 and 7. Most of the time she is happy and I make sure she takes all medication because she does have other health issues. But yesterday when I went home for lunch she have a funney look on her face and I asked what was wrong she started yelling and saying that I always tell her what to do, I don't want her there, and I yell at her all the time. This is not like her we have always talked about her moving in with us and it was always know. Never a big deal this was even years before her diagnoise. I was so up set I left early crying my eyes out and my heart was broke. When I got home she did not remenber the exact fight but remember we had words. No real big deal. Is this something that happens alot. Anything I can do to avoid this. I don't want to put her in NH we live in some town and it's not the best situation. Please give advice.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-17-2007, 10:56 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,450
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: Not sure what to do?

Hi Julie and welcome. So sorry you have to be here but I'm glad you found us.

I don't have a lot of time. I'm home for lunch and have to go back to work in a few. I just wanted to let you know that I too went thru a similar situation with my dad. What you're discribing is very familiar to me.

I'll check back here when I get home from work and I'll share some things with you that helped me to cope a little better with this part of the disease.

I do want to tell you now to try not to take what your mom says too personally. Remember that when she's like this, it is NOT HER. It's the disease.

Talk to ya later!

Love, Barb
__________________
Live, Love, Laugh.

 
Old 04-17-2007, 12:22 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Martha H's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Middlebury, IN
Posts: 4,695
Martha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB User
Re: Not sure what to do?

Dear Julie,

Unfortunatley there is not a lot you can do at this stage. Dementia patients have loss of memory and loss of rationality. Often an idea that just popped into their heads is considered something that they really experienced. In some ways your Mom is feeling controlled because she NEEDS to be controlled. And she longs for the days when she could do everything her way and her children had to listen to her. She may be taking out some of these feelings on you with such accusations.

The only thing you can really do is not to let the harsh words 'get to you'. Don't answer back, don't say well that is wrong, I never do that. Instead give her a hug and say I am sorry you feel that way, I will try really hard to do better. (even if you were 100% in the right.) Your Mom may forget what was said but she will remember the good feeling of being loved and accepted.

I took care of my Mom for 5 years, working full time, no one else in the home. It was really hard on me and all the 'sage' advice I send out on this Board I had to learn the hard way. I thought 'this can't be happening, all I have to do is explain this to Mom, remind her of what was said, etc and she will see the light.' It took years to get to the point where I just basically agreed with everything she said, and told her everything would be OK from now on.

You took all my money "OK, here is some money to make up for it" (gave her a stack of $1 bills.)

You never make dinner for me, (having eaten 30 minutes before ) "OK let's warm up a plate of these leftovers for you to eat now, sorry I forgot."

You are getting so forgetful, everything I tel you you don't remember. "Well, Mom, I guess I am having senior moments too " ..(both laugh.)

It becomes easier when you stop trying to bring the old Mom back but accept the new childlike, sensitive, emotional, incapable Mom ...

Sad story, but that's how it is.

love,

Martha

 
Old 04-18-2007, 05:12 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,450
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: Not sure what to do?

Hi Julie. It is soooo important that you try to take what your mom says or does to you with a grain of salt and a smile. I can tell you from experience with my dad that AD patients may not always understand what's going on, but they react to what's happening around them. My dad didn't express his feelings much. He did, however, react to mine. When I was sad, he got agitated. When I was happy, he seemed less confused and more apt to socialize. When I was angry, he isolated himself in his room. I tried never to show my feelings but still he knew.

Martha is so right in her advice. I learned that the hard way.

Keep coming back here and ask questions or vent all you need to. It's safe here. You're among friends who understand.

Love, Barb
__________________
Live, Love, Laugh.

 
Old 04-19-2007, 08:54 AM   #6
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Frankli, La, USA
Posts: 4
julie47 HB User
Re: Not sure what to do?

I would really like to thank every one who replied to my situation.
The idea's were very helpful. I guess it will take alot of getting use to my Mom's different ways. She has now starting digging thru cabinets and mail.Just looking I guess I asked her if she was looking for something and said no. There is nothing that will hurt her so I guess It's ok. I bring her to the doctor next week so maybe he will change some of her medication to make her feel better. I will do what ever I can so I don't need to put her in a nh because our quality of home really is not the best. I'm really glad I found this message board because on less you have been there most of my friends just has this look like it will get better but reality is mom has good and bad and I know one day it may all turn bad.
Thanks every one for listening.
julie 47

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Not Sure How To Feel npainnTN Disabilities 9 07-09-2010 07:52 PM
Not sure what's wrong with me - Please help! Peter May General Health 4 12-22-2009 09:36 PM
still tired.. not sure what to do now. LSUMomma05 Sleep Disorders 6 07-05-2009 11:36 PM
OK not sure I can ask this question--Sex and Fibro applecollector Fibromyalgia 40 04-22-2009 07:11 PM
Not sure what to do? ScorpioGrl21 Bipolar Disorder 2 05-29-2008 01:16 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:50 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!