At what point... - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

upatnite58 · 09-12-2007, 03:06 PM

do you stop correcting them and just start going along?

my mother is 80 yrs old now and has had AD for about 8 yrs. It was a slow progression and for that i am thankful. However, she was well aware of her disease, and could tell if you were just going along (snowing her) to avoid yet another long winded explanation.

Now she is progressing to the next stage, i guess. i think she still knows by my reaction that i'm telling her the date for the 25th time. my question is ...

should i just keep looking like it was the first time she asked it? should i keep telling her what her grandchildrens names are? even though they're 27 and 21 yrs old? i never know whether she'll catch me or not. she knows when i put on a front...she always has. When i was honest about her disease with her, she understood, but is it in her best interest to be honest? I guess i'm rambling, but if any of you can empathize..? thanks upatnite

angel_bear · 09-12-2007, 03:20 PM

You stop arguing when your ready to realise they can't come into our world anymore.

And you have already discovered, that Alzheimers victims aren't stupid either. They KNOW when somebody is fleecing them !! They may have lost their memories, but otherwise ..... well, you got it !!!

When you want to correct her, who are you doing it for? You or her? Is it really going to make a difference if you show her how wrong she is everytime? Is it going to hurt anybody if she thinks the kids are little when in fact they're big? In the grand scheme of things, will it really matter?

My Mum DOESN'T have alzheimers, but at the age of 80, I am noticing signs that say she's on her way to old age dementia. Little things ... for years she's been telling me she's got macular degeneration. Last week when I brought it up, she says she's never had macular degeneration, just myopia. The "prove it to Mum" side of me jumped up to correct her, but the Aged Care Worker in me said "oh what's the point ... we'll just have an argument and it's not worth it." I KNOW she's got macular degeneration, I've seen the reports, but if she's choosing to not remember that, it's not a big deal. She takes her pills, puts in her drops ... I can't ask for anything more than that.

She's also remembering my childhood wrong. Correcting her will only cause an argument. Point? Why bother upsetting both of us.

It's a hard lesson to learn, one that has taken me probably 4 years to 'get', but in the end ask yourself IS IT REALLY WORTH PROVING THE POINT ....

Cheers

upatnite58 · 09-12-2007, 03:40 PM

angel bear,

You are right...i'm argueing with myself. And it's not worth it. I think you nailed the point when you said that your mum got your childhood wrong....OMG....i think maybe that's what hurt the most. And it doesn't matter...of course.
What's scary is what they do remember. My daughter is pregnant with her second. She remembers that. But doesn't remember her first grandchild? That is so upsetting to me. But you are right...i'm thinking about me. You are a caregiver for the aged?? my utmost thanks to you from both me and my mother. Upatnite

angel_bear · 09-12-2007, 04:03 PM

Hi again UpatNite58 (are you 58 years old and up late at night?) lol

Yes, I care for the aged, but I also cared for my Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law for 2 years (sent me 'round the twist) FIL was congitively FINE, he had lung disease and passed away 2 years ago this Christmas. MIL got a particulary nasty side of demenia, lost words, retreated into her own world, and every time I did ANYTHING, I was invading, intruding and taking over. She HATED me (we previously had a brilliant relationship ... I was closer to her than my own mother).

THAT was hard .... trying to show her the 'right' way of doing things (see darling? Soiled underpants go into the washing machine, not the coffee percolator) just created the WORST times when she would physically hit out at me or my kids. After a while, I would wait until she was asleep or at Day Care and sort the house out. It was quieter that way and less invasive for all of us.

Hang in there, YOUR doing a wonderful job too!

Cheers

upatnite58 · 09-12-2007, 04:31 PM

hey again,

and yes...58 and (upatnite)..LOL

I guess i'm upset at the great relationship we(my mother and I) USED to have.

As I said, I have trouble lying to her as she KNOWS. Or..she used to know..i'm not sure that she does anymore. I want her to keep knowing.

But i realize that that is no longer possible. I want my mum back!!!! i am mad at this disease!!! but thanks to you i know that i am mad at this DISEASE and NOT my mum. thank you for that upatnite