What can we do? - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

zoesmom54 · 09-16-2007, 07:30 PM

My mother-in-law has Alzheimer's and her husband, my father in law, just passed away. She forgets that he has died and it is very painful to keep telling her that he has died. How have other people dealt with this and would it be better to tell her something less upsetting each time she asks, "Where is your father?"

Please help.

angel_bear · 09-17-2007, 12:27 AM

Sorry your in a fix with this .. but let's put our heads together.

In telling your MIL the 'truth', you've already learnt that upsets her. Logic should prevail in figuring out how to NOT upset her.

In telling her the truth, and upsetting her, what is gained? Yes, you've told her the truth ... but so?

By telling her 'he's on the train and due home tomorrow' help? What did your father in law do when he was alive? Was he ever away from home? Call on historical stories from his working days. Remember, she is now unable to come into our 2007 world, she's going backwards. It's cruel to try and make her see things our way, it's really NOT going to hurt her if you tell some little white lies to keep the peace.

My favourite saying is:

"I'll promise them the world if it makes them happy"

who's it gonna hurt eh?

Goodluck, let us know how you get on.

Cheers

georgie04 · 09-17-2007, 01:17 AM

I've been down this road, and, as you know, it can become downright cruel to keep subjecting someone who can't remember to tragic and distressing news. They relive the trauma multiple times.

As Angel Bear says, make up a story - he is on his way home, he is staying somewhere else, visiting with someone - whatever best fits to her stage of awareness.

BUT make sure everyone is on the same page - I thought I had it (the story) under control, but then other people kept telling her the truth - which led to really hysterical and uncrontrollable outbursts of grief.

angel_bear · 09-17-2007, 02:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by georgie04

BUT make sure everyone is on the same page - I thought I had it (the story) under control, but then other people kept telling her the truth - which led to really hysterical and uncrontrollable outbursts of grief.

OH that's the MOST important thing, because your loved one will never believe the first answer and will seek clarification elsewhere. As long as everybody knows to 'go along' things will settle.

We do that at the nursing home .. I'll make up a story (hubby on the train is always a good one) and tell my partner so she can keep the story up. If family come to visit, we tell them too ..communication between everybody is so VITALLY IMPORTANT ...

Cheers

Martha H · 09-17-2007, 04:53 AM

One of the hard things I had to learn while being my Mom's live in caregiver for 5 years was to start telling 'little white lies." Finally I just tried to remain 'neutral' - neither challenging nor correcting her statements, nor calling attention to her memory loss. Evamples:

Mom: "I wonder why I never hear from Mary any more."

Wrong (true) answer : "Can't you remember? We were at her funeral together! She died in 1999!!"

Response: Grief, crying, sadness, and worrying about her self and her memory lapse.

Right answer: "Hmmm, yes, that is very odd."

Mom: "You never give me anything to eat. " (10 minutes after supper)

Wrong answer: "Well that is totally ridiculous! You just got through eating a huge meal, and now you don't think I ever feed you!"

Response : Anger, fear, justifications.

Right answer; "Oh, are you hungry? Would you like some ice cream?"

It is easy once you get it through your head (mine was as hard as a rock!) that she is not going to remember the 'right answer' anyhow!

Good luck with it.

Martha