Mom has Alzheimers - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

barb1753 · 09-27-2007, 05:53 PM

I'm new to the board and would like some suggestions as to how to handle my mother's aggression.
She has a fixation with money,credit cards etc., whenever she brings up these subjects,she get angry and insists that what she is saying is fact. Sometimes it is, but most of the time it's not. It's very frustraiting for me when she gets this way. Does anyone have any suggestions.

Gabriel · 09-28-2007, 12:23 AM

I had much the same problem with Mom. She was an bookkeeper and very good at what she did until ALZ. I found it easier to change the subject, just say ok and then fix the problem, or otherwise try to divert her. It does no good to agrue with them because they truly believe what they are saying is real. The doctors at the cognitive assessment center explained earlier states of dementia to me by saying that it is like living in the dark with a flash light that blinks on and off. You get a little bit here and a little bit there and then the brain puts it together in a way that seems logical to them. What they end up with is not what really happened because they don't have ALL the information they need.

My Dad on the other hand was obcessed with having enough money. He only expressed his obcession in the evening and it was accompanied with aggitation. His other obcession was locking up the house. He locked every door over and over. We used a small dose of anti-anxiety medication in the late afternoon to take the edge off that aggitation.... and let him lock the doors until he wore out the lock on the back door while we reassured him that everything was ok.

Sorry you are having to deal with this awful disease. Hope you stay around. This forum is great with some amazing people in it. They have been my life line and salvation since I stumbled in. Know I will keep you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers.....

Love, Deb

Martha H · 09-28-2007, 05:05 AM

That flashlight example is excellent! Wow. I learn so much on this Board!

Welcome, Barb. This is truly a good place. You can get information here, but more important, people who have been through the same thing really understand you.

My Mom also thought she was doing everything right and the rest of the world had gone mad.

I eventually learned to cope by agreeing with everything she said, however bizarre. When it was something I just couldn't agree to, I just said , "oh really?" I learned that from a stone deaf Aunt, who got through social events for years by saying "Oh Really/" no matter what anyone said to her. She went down in history as a wonderful conversationalist, accepting, understanding, non threatening!

Good luck with it - this is a long hard road. My Mom is only days from the end of her sufferings.

Love,
Martha

cyt · 09-28-2007, 06:26 AM

God Bless you all - it is a long, frustrating disease.

LuvMyLilDoggie · 09-28-2007, 10:50 AM

I agree with everyone. When my dad was with me, I learned the hard way to let him think things were the way he thought they were. I had a hard time accepting that I needed to let go of the idea that he could ever grasp the fact that he got the story all mixed up. In his mind, it was ME who was the one all mixed up, not him. He knew what he was doing and I was the crazy one. As long as we were butting heads and trying to prove each other wrong, we were both miserable. When the good people here convinced me to try letting him think he was right, things began to improve a bit. He was happy and I was more relaxed. I had to go behind his back and fix his checkbook a few times which made me feel a bit deceitful for a while. But as long as he was happy, I was happy.

It's hard to watch a loved one go thru this and not try to "teach" or "show" them right from wrong. But the less we "correct" them, the better off we'll be....and the happier we'll all be.

I'm finding myself in a situation now with my 18 y/o son. And I have to apply pretty much the same things to him that I learned to do with my dad. I have to know when to back off and when to step in. The only difference is that my son is learning (I hope!) from his mistakes. My dad's days of learning are over. I have to still keep reminding myself that he can't do what he used to and not because he doesn't want to. He just can't remember how to.

My dad has been on Zoloft for about 4 years now and that has helped a LOT with his aggression. He used to get violent before starting on Zoloft.

Keep coming back here. These people have kept me from going insane!

Oh and Welcome to the boards, Barb!

Love, Barb

PS Little white lies have saved my butt quite a few times.

ex: Dad was charging up the wazzoo on his credit cards. All were over the limit before I noticed. I called the companies and sent them POA papers stating that I was financial POA over him. I asked them to stop letting him charge on them. Couldn't cancel them until they were paid in full but I got them to stop him from being able to charge on them. When he tried to charge something, he told me his card didn't work. I said "Oh. There must be something wrong with that black strip on the back. I'll call them and see if they can send you a new one." (lie 1) But that satisfied him for the time being.

Later, when he'd ask about it again, I'd say "They didn't send it yet? Hmmm, wonder what's taking them so long? I'll call them again as sson as I get off work." (lie 2)

Whatever keeps them happy and satisfied.