Can someone help? - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

Debbie19 · 09-28-2007, 10:18 AM

My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 3 years ago. My best guess is that she is stage 4. Or late Stage 3 maybe.

I am going crazy. She is not really capable of living alone, she has severe dizzy spells and no good sense left. She insists there is nothing wrong with her and has continued to insist upon driving. I currently have left my van at her house with the excuse that it isn't running and have been driving her car just to keep it from her. That's not going to last much longer because she is insisting she can go anywhere she wants.

I also have a pre-pubescent 12 year old daughter who needs my attention.

Mom is 82 and she is MEAN. The things she says would curl your hair. I have drawn the line at allowing her to be mean to my daughter but truthfully, the things she says to me are so painful. And she takes a lot out on my dear husband, who is only home on weekends. We have been staying with her in her tiny house because she refuses to come to our home. And she, of course refuses assisted living or any in-home help.

And can someone tell me how she manages to act lucid around some people and is unable to even act civil toward us?

If I had my druthers I'd run far, far away...

Martha H · 09-28-2007, 12:14 PM

Here is the sad, hard truth.

It doesn't matter what she wants. YOU have to be the adult, she is now the child. You have to permanently remove her car from her, and perhaps move her into an assisted living residence. She may not agree, but you will have to be firm and definite - today is the day we move to your new home. You can try pretending it was her idea. Usually, once the person is there, they adjust pretty quickly.

If you do not do this, you face the next 10 years as her whipping girl, and your daughter will inevitably suffer too, seeing her Mom being verbally (or worse, it always gets worse ) abused.

Think about it. Do something before it is too late. Read the many stories on this Board, especially those of AngelBear.

Love,

Martha

LuvMyLilDoggie · 09-28-2007, 05:28 PM

I moved in with my dad 4 years ago. Looking back, I think a lot of his anger and frustration that he showed toward me was really his anger and frustration at his disease and not me. I do think he resented the fact that I had to be there to help him. I understand now that it wasn't the fact that me, my husband and son were living in his home, but the fact that he knew deep down what was happening to him and that he needed us to help him.

Know that this disease is very scary to your mom. She may be feeling degraded by the disease and more and more useless as the disease progresses. She knows what's happening to her but may be in denial at least as far as outwardly admitting she has a problem.

Most people with AD who drive see the loss of driving priviledges as loss of freedom. I know that if any disease were to take my ability to drive away from me, I'd be lost. And if I knew that I'd never be allowed to drive again, I honestly think I'd feel depressed and angry and probably much more.

As far as your mom acting better around others, that's part of the disease. My dad used to be able to fool family, friends and for YEARS, his own doctors. This is just my opinion but I think people with AD fight HARD to act like their old selves around people they don't see every day. It's a difficult struggle that leaves them drained. Do you notice that after company leaves or your home from the doctor's office, your mom is tired or more cranky with you? She's mentally exausted and maybe physically too. And another opinion of mine is that as a daughter living in my dad's house, I think dad felt more comfortable not pretending with me. I don't think he felt that he had to be someone he wasn't anymore. I wish I would have understood that message before when he was threatening to punch me. At that time, I honestly thought he hated me.

I understand your need to take care of your mom. My dad has been with my sister for 3 1/2 years now. She has some things happening in her life now that make it nearly impossible to continue caring for my dad. She called me nearly in tears a few days ago. So I'm getting ready to take my dad in yet again. Dad is past the stage where your mom is now so there's little thought of him trying to go off on me again. But I know my limits now.

You might want to weigh things out. Things that are said and done to your daughter at her delicate age can last a lifetime. Are there other family members around who can help you if you're not ready to place your mom in assisted living?

I'll post again later.

Welcome to the board!

Love, Barb

AnnD · 09-28-2007, 05:43 PM

You need to have her be declared incompetent so get a lawyer and get the paperwork started...for whatever your state requires. Also generally if you can get her in to see one....an eye doctor or just a GP can submit his findings to the state that the person can't drive anymore then the person has to prove to the Dept of motor vehicles that they can pass the written and driving tests over.
You need help and the quicker you get her into a facility that can care for her properly the better for the both of you. At the stage she is in right now she may need a locked facility but for right now you need to get her declared incompetent so you can make the decisions on her behalf. I am so sorry...it is a terrible disease! My brother did the same thing you are doing...he took dad's car apart and just kept saying he is waiting for parts each time dad would ask. Of course dad would forget and pretty soon he didn't ask any more...and if he did it was just a passing thought.

cyt · 09-28-2007, 05:56 PM

I know this is hard to do, but when your Mom is acting hateful towards you, try to think of her as "The Imposter" the AD taking over, and not your real true, loving Mom. This helped my cousin to deal with her Mom. And you MUST take her driving away. Think of it this way, what if she were to get out and drive and kill someone? We had to take my FIL keys away, he didn't like it but he learned to cope. We always started the ball rolling on getting him moved and just did it. It kinda hit him like "What" to where he really didn't know what hit him and he just went along and always managed to settle in okay. Of course they will argue with you from now on, so you really have to just do it. Find a place, find the movers and go for it! Good luck and keep us posted, I know it's a hard, sad job. C