How do tell FIL he needs to be in a home. - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

rosariared · 10-30-2007, 05:32 PM

It's been a while since I posted here. I cared for FIL for three months at home. He had so many additional health problems that he was finally hospitalised five weeks ago in the Dementia ward. He was extremely difficult to care for at home. In fact, towards the end, my husband and I were becoming ill ourselves. We have been told by the health professionals, social workers and professional carers that he needs 24 hour medical supervision which he can only get in a nursing home. He has been classified as needing "high care". After being told that keeping him at home is actually detrimental to him, we have finally put him on the waiting list for a very nice home nearby. We will be visiting him every day and still intend to be heavily involved in his every day life. I am still feeling guilty, however, since we promised to keep him at home. I don't know how to to tell him that he will be going to a home . Has anyone else had to deal with this? He will remain in hospital until it's time to move to the nursing home. Do i simply tell him he is going to another hospital closer to home? I feel the truth will only upset him and he seems to be confused about where he is sometimes anyway. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Rosa

hypatia · 10-30-2007, 05:48 PM

Having gone thru this with my mother, I suggest you merely tell him he is going to a facility to help him get stronger. Otherwise, he will have a very hard time adjusting to never going home. It's one of the most difficult things to do, but if it were me in dementia or a stroke victim, etc, I would not want to be a burden on my family.

It did seem every time I went to see my mom, she asked when she was coming home and I had to evade answering. I did bring her home from time to time, but it was just that much harder for her to go back. Then she got to weak to climb stairs, so couldn't go home anyway.

It seems you have an ideal facility nearby, so I hope you can let go of the guilt and just remind yourself it's the best for him. My heart goes out to you...Patty

Gabriel · 10-30-2007, 09:16 PM

I agree with hypatia. Tell your FIL that he is going to a rehab facility or another hospital. I wish I could have done that when we moved Dad into Assited Living. Even when he visits my sister, where he went often and his van is there, he wants to go back home. Yet I know in my heart that we did what was best for Mom and Dad.... and they are exactly where they need to be.

After a year of guessing and a year of trying to keep them at home after Mom's diagnosis I have health problem that I am trying to correct now. Keeping your loved one at home can definitely effect your health.

As for the promise you made to him..... that was made when he was healthier. I do not think he would want his son and you to give up so much of yourself and your life when you can find good placement for him. Many older individuals think of the horrible nursing homes of the past. My mom was that way until she visited her assisted living facility. She went from insisting that she would never go to agreeing to go. She thinks it's a hotel.

So at this point you have to use your best judgement, listen to the experts, and leave the guilt behind. One of the wonderful members of the board said it so eloquently. It is time to place your love one in a home when the caregiver is ready. Nobody wants to go to a home.... nobody wants to have dementia or health problems that make it nessary. Know you are doing what is best for you and him.

I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Deb

angel_bear · 10-30-2007, 11:17 PM

I was in the same dilemma with my in-laws ... and talk about GUILT !!!

Having looked after them both for 2 years,it finally came to the stage where I was falling apart, physically and mentally. My FIL was permanently placed in a private hospital (not a nursing home, a hospital) but knew from the onset that unless he improved A HECK OF A LOT, he would't be coming home. This didn't sit well with him, and he continually asked me if he could come home. I had my hands full with my MIL who has dementia (FIL was FINE mentally, but had lung disease). I remember being called into the Nursing Unit Manager's office, and having a good talking to. I was told that I knew the entire situation was out of control and that for FIL's own good, he had to go to a nursing home. FAct being, he couldn't stay indefinately at the hospital .. they needed the beds for 'sick' people, not 'chronic disease' people.

So the day dawned, and they spoke to him about his now very limited options. He looked at me with those big blue eyes, and said "Can't I come home?" It broke my heart, and all I could do was shake my head 'no'. I did manage to say a little while later "I can nurse one person well, or two people badly" and he finally, sadly, understood and went with grace to a nursing home.

MIL on the other hand ...... *sigh* ......... ACAT took over for me. Respite was organised at a top of the line nursing home with the promise that she would basically never come home. We gently told her she was going on a holiday, but I KNEW she didn't understand, however everybody else thought she did, and everybody else thought she was great with the idea (just a holiday idea, not the ever after idea).

EVERYBODY, the professionals and the rest of the family all nodded knowingly and said "Yes, she's OK with that, she's seen Dad in the nursing home and she knows, she's ok"

I however, knew darn well that she said yes if spoken to in the right tones (gentle, smiling) and I KNEW she didn't 'get it'.

So ....... other people picked her up from day care, other people took her to this nursing home, and since I had already decorated her room with pictures, and unpacked her bag and gotten everything ready (I couldn't BE there when they dropped her off) .... and they rang me and said "everything went fine, she's very happy"

Until 7am the next morning, when the nursing home rang me and said "OMG, she can't stay here, she's uncontrollable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Y'think?

~~~sigh~~~

Anyway, I had to put my foot down, and yes, they managed to find her a brilliant nursing home and guess what ..........

within 2 days of being there, she calmed down and never looked back.

What calmed her down? Her limited options. The fancy nursing home had too many options, the 2nd not so fancy one didn't.

2 days. Brilliant.

My story doesn't help you 'how' to tell your FIL, but just gives you an idea of the concept of 'how'.

I wish you luck, it's the worst time ... :-( I'm sorry.

sunnydaze1 · 10-31-2007, 05:28 PM

I'm going through similar circumstances with my mom. She refuses to acknowledge that she needs to move to AL, yet she calls me on the phone and asks me how to warm up her cup of tea in the microwave.

This is so very frustrating. I called mom today and I swear she didn't really know how to answer the phone...it must have been upside down while she was talking..I could hardly hear her.

It's driving me NUTS!!!

I just want you to know that you're not alone in your frustration and guilt.