Hoarding and family denial - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

Suzaroo · 11-03-2007, 09:19 AM

My Dad has been doing this crazy hoarding behavior for a couple of years now, and it is getting worse. He collects used coffee cups, steals bits of toilet paper/kleenex from the bathrooms at his assisted living place (he has drawers STUFFED with them), snitches cookies from the goodie tray even though he has got hundreds of them stashed around his apartment, the list goes on...

He is terrified of running out of things, especially his adult diapers. We've purchased a year's supply of the things and there are stacks and stacks of them but he refuses to change them because he says he is "running low". When I am there I try to be understanding because I know it's not his fault. I even humor him and smuggle Depends out with me when I leave and bring them back when I return and tell him I brought him some more.

The problem is, that my brothers are having a hard time acknowledging that Dad is sick. They seem to think that Dad is choosing to behave this way in an effort to manipulate us into letting him move back home, and that his urinary incontinence is by choice- that he is "not trying".

I guess my questions are:

-How common is this hoarding behavior and ways to handle it/reassure the patient; and
-Are there any really simple books or programs that I can share with my brothers that will help them to see that being angry at Dad is a totally inappropriate response?

Thanks in advance, and hugs to all!

Suz

Suzaroo · 11-03-2007, 09:04 PM

Anyone? I am feeling so alone with this. Sometimes, I too just read and don't post- because I don't think I have anything meaningful to add, or I am too wrapped up in researching my own situation... but tonight I really need someone to reach out. So if you read this and think you don't have anything to post- please just say that I am not alone out here tonight.

Today would have been my Mom's 63rd birthday. Since she tragically died in 2001, my Dad has never been the same.

When I was growing up I was essentially an only child, and my Dad and I would fight like cats and dogs. I left home at 17 and married (a creep, who I am now divorced from).

After my mom was killed, my Dad and I became so close, we clung to each other for dear life. She was here one day and gone the next with no warning. He was my strength and now, I must be his. I will be 30 on 12/5, and Daddy just turned 75 on the 8th, and people often ask if I am his granddaughter. No, I am the adopted product of the second trophy wife who abandoned us and killed herself with alcohol.

Happy Birthday Mommy. We miss you terribly, you're all Daddy remembers of his life. I know you did what you had to do and I will wait until I get to heaven to hash it out with you. :P You weren't supposed to leave us this way- we had a pact!

I miss you. Your baby girl,

Susan

brightling · 11-04-2007, 01:58 AM

Hi, suzaroo!

I signed on here just to answer you. I was so sorry to read both your dad and you are going through this long and tough life change. Sorry I don't have any specific advice.

My only idea is, is your dad on an anti-depressant? If so, is it one of those that are found to specifically help obsessive-compulsives? If not, it might be worth considering. I understand nowadays in general (though I'm not sure about with Alz.), hoarding is considered a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder and needs to be taken seriously and treated as a mental illness, such as with medication and therapy where the hoarder develops the ability to make different decisions with "stuff." They learn the real reasons why they hoard and what the objects mean to them that is not rational. I read where one hoarder said when he saw certain items abandoned in the street, he felt like they had to be rescued. (I thought that was quite poignant, don't you?) Many hoarders have child abuse in their background, apparently.

Of course where Alzheimer or other dementias are involved and THEN hoarding starts after that -- then I'm not sure the above applies. But maybe it would still make since --?? As we age, even without dementia we lose so much. Our youthful appearance and physical strengths, our hearing, vision, reflexes. Our loved ones and friends die, we have divorces or other losses and disappointments. If your dad is retired, he surely lost a lot then -- a place where he belonged every day and his skills were needed and respected, built-in socializing and the security of a routine, etc. He has also lost much of his independence, such as having to give up driving which I'm sure is a very unwelcome blow esp. to a man.

And I feel we even lose the basic respect or regard of much of society as we age. My elderly father was upset recently when a doctor said something about a health problem my dad had, which the doctor said offhandedly looked pretty good "for someone his age."

My dad felt "written off" -- he wanted the best care for his condition just like anyone younger, the best possible treatment, period.

Anyway, now your dad is losing control of his bodily functions. And no doubt he thinks about the future where maybe soon he will lose his very life in a difficult manner, becoming unable to talk, communicate or digest food.

My point is -- sorry to be so long-winded :-) -- with all these LOSSES, maybe your dad's hoarding is a way of hanging on to what little he can, the paper cups and diapers and what not, at least he can try to make sure SOMETHING won't be taken.

As far as the diaper hoarding -- I just thought, could you label the diapers by writing on each package (in big letters for him) Monday 11-3, Tuesday 11-4, etc. Then lay out the whole next week's supply somewhere he can see them and promise him you will bring more each week way "so there will never be any chance you can run out."

If he is not able to be rational enough for such reassurance to help, maybe a mild anti-anxiety medication like Ativan or one of those would put his mind more at ease.

Just so sorry your Dad and you are going through this. There are many kind and smart people on this forum who I'm sure will come in soon with practical and encouraging advice "from the Alzheimer trenches." Hang in there -- you most definitely are not alone as we all age and try to cope with these problems.

Martha H · 11-04-2007, 03:48 AM

Suzaroo, you are not alone. There are many of us here who have a loved one with Dementia. It is a long hard road, but you only have to take it one day at a time. Don't let it get you depressed.

Hoarding is typical. Mom kept asking me to buy her some underwear (I lived with her for 5 years) and I assumed she had thrown out the ones that got stained (she developed problems with continence) so i kept going out and gettng another 3 pack of inexpensive cotton undies. When I cleared out her thngs after she left her apartment, I found about 60 pairs!!! Many unopened.

She also hid small chage, handbags and purses, odds and ends in weird places. She never could find anythng. Some things never showed up (large amounts of cash whcih 'disappeared" ...) Her Christmas tree ornaments brought with her from the old country - gone. Given away? We never found out. Her memory is totally gone.

It is a hard disease to deal with, and you have already been through rough times. But you can do it. You will get the help you need.

Love,
Martha

WasFatNoMore · 11-04-2007, 09:12 AM

My Grandmother hoarded underwear. She would complain her bras were too tight (she was buxom and stout) but would not wear any of the new ones Mother bought for her. The uncomfortable, too small ones "weren't worn out", they were still "good". Same thing with blouses, and tin foil (washed and reused). It is part of the dementia deal I guess.