Mom visiting her "real home"... - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

sunnydaze1 · 11-13-2007, 07:25 PM

My mom's personal physician and the secretary to AL mentioned that if mom could handle it, she could go back to her real house for a visit as long as she knows that it will be brief and will be back to her new home.

On the one hand, if I could tell my mom that we could go over home to have a cup of coffee and chat for awhile, it might make her feel better about leaving knowing that she can still come back to her house from time to time as long as she knows it's brief.

On the other hand, I'm afraid if I do this, she will not want to leave again and I'll go through a tough time all over again.

She's being admitted tomorrow to the facility; very unwillingly; and I am so afraid that, this alone, is going to kill her knowing she will never step foot in the house that Dad built by himself. Dad died 28 years ago and her home has some deep; sentimental feelings as you can imagine.

Anyone have experience with this? What is the best answer? HELP!!

Dingoes · 11-13-2007, 08:53 PM

Is the house the way she left it? Maybe she'll want to take a few cherished things with her. When my Nana was initially hospitalized and once we realized she wasn't going back to her apartment to live, my sister emptied the place really quickly, which was a shame but had to be done so she did it. I salvaged two of Nana's favorite chairs and a table she always loved, which initially furnished her room in assisted living and eventually came with her to my house. It did help some with the transition, in my opinion.

sunnydaze1 · 11-13-2007, 09:04 PM

I've brought in some items from home to her new room..photos; religious items; knick-knacks. She didn't want her own livingroom chair or couch brought into the new place, but we still could at any time if she changes her mind.

I don't plan on selling the house or anything like that at this time; just give it a good cleaning out of a lot of clutter.

She would definitely still recognize her own home. All the furniture will be in place.

brightling · 11-13-2007, 10:00 PM

What a hard dilemma! (whether to offer to take your mom to her old home for a visit) As you said, the main question is will it be more positive for her or rather more upsetting? Maybe it would depend partly on her future expectations? Does she imagine she will ever go back there to live? might it be kind to encourage that belief? Maybe then she would find it comforting to see it, like "look, see how nice we're keeping it for when you get well and come back." But if that is not to be the case and she knows that she will not be living there again, then I don't know, maybe it would just be cruel, like being shown something you really want that stays just out of reach.

If you did go there, maybe a cup of coffee and chat is not the best way? That seems like an uncontrolled occasion to just let the feelings of loss and sadness well up in her heart (and yours). Maybe make it for more of a nice special occasion (a holiday or birthday or something else positive, someone's graduation, maybe quiet but with another family member or two, then go back with her to the AL to enjoy a nice meal together). Then she could look forward to the next future such special occasion. So being there would be more about the living present than just the lost past.

Of course you know her best. If you are really unsure, maybe best to do nothing for now -- like physician's golden rule -- "first do no harm."

Gabriel · 11-13-2007, 10:18 PM

It truly depends on your loved one and how they handled the move to AL.

My Dad didn't want to go to AL, was not aware of what was going on around him, he didn't do well the first 6 weeks there, and only settled into a routine with medication intervention. He realized his furniture was in a different place and wanted to take it back home with him. The only reason he did as well as he has done was because Mom was there. He adores my Mom more than anything in this world. He will never be able to go back home. It would only cause him great distress again. Just the sight of his van is enough to trigger his desire to go back to the house he built and lived in for 54 years.

My Mom is very different. She was more aware of and agreed with the move to AL. She enjoys the socialization and perks of AL. She went back home after a month to get a few more things to take to her AL apartment and did great. She is ready to go back home again and visit with her friends, as soon as we can arrange somebody to stay with Dad at AL.

So there you have both sides of the coin. Watch how your Mom does with the initial move. Take your cues from her. Then use your best judgement with the knowledge you take from her reactions.

Love, Deb