I'm frustrated & confused, can u help? - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

brokenhearted2 · 11-14-2007, 07:03 PM

My mom has had alzheimers (plus other health issues) for the past 2 + yrs. Lately she has had my father (who lives w/ her) call me nightly or when I call her nightly she tells me she has a question to ask. She asks me "who her husband is". I tell her the same thing each and every night- she has been married to my father for 50 years!! She used to believe it, but now,she doesn't believe it, says I am not telling her the truth, how would I know, and then she breaks down in tears and tells me she is so confused. It is breaking my heart!!!!!!! I do not understand how she can live each day w/ my dad and not recognize him, but still recognize me. That is question one on here. Can anyone help me out? Then what do I say to her because I am getting so frustrated and upset. I have 2 brothers who are no help at all. I am worried about my dad's health(although currently he is hanging in there, but he is also elderly). I am by myself, working full time at a very demanding job and these nightly phone calls are upsetting me so much. Having her not call or me not call her is not an option as she is my mom, but I don't know how to hold my patience or not to get upset. Advice from someone who has been there would be so appreciated. Also, does anyone have any advice re. how to organize clothing to help her get dressed easier. She dresses on her own, but throws everything on a spare bed and each week I have to go clean up the bed and hang everything back up in the closet or figure out what is dirty/clean. Suggestions?? Thank you.

sunnydaze1 · 11-14-2007, 07:33 PM

Bless you, I do know what you are going through...and quite well with the brothers; or in my case, one brother.

I just put my mom in Assisted Living, today, while myself and my elderly aunt were her main caregivers. Today went better than I expected it would, but tomorrow could be a whole different story. Sad thing is, my mom looks like she doesn't belong there. She's very pretty; young looking and still quite alert; doesn't use a walker; but gets so mixed up on medication at home and cannot even make a cup of tea.

Thank goodness you have your dad there, but it seems as though he might need the support of help as well. Personally, if my dad were alive, I'd make plans to get them BOTH into an Assisted Living Facility before something happens that your dad cannot really handle. Keep in mind, they are leaving their home, but they have each other. That can make a world of difference. How I wish my daddy were alive.

In the meantime as far as her clothes, I just start hanging things up or if they looked dirty I'd put them in the laundry to be washed. My mom would put her clothes on backwards so I'd check the back and I'd see the spills from her eating.
Best of luck to you and I'll keep you in my prayers.

brokenhearted2 · 11-14-2007, 07:52 PM

Thank you for your words of kindness and advice. I'm also sending (hugs) back to you re: your mom.
I keep asking my dad if he thinks it is getting to be too much and we should look into assisted living options etc. He is absolutely set against it. I am not sure if it is his pride or what, and I know he loves his home, but I worry terribly about this whole situation.
Re: my mother's clothes...I constantly hang up the clean clothes and put the dirty ones into the wash, but I didn't know if someone had a "closet system" to make it easier. Is there a trick to this whole nasty disease that I am missing?? I seem to spend 1/2 the day on a weekend re-hanging and sorting her closet/bedroom.
I know I need to find more patience...actually around her I have lots of patience. It's just when I hang up the phone or leave the house that I lose it. Thanks, once again, for your kind words.

fourt9rkim · 11-14-2007, 08:24 PM

Oh boy...do I know EXACTLY what you're dealing with in regards to clothes! My 86 year old mother CONSTANTLY rearranges her dresser, and her closet; claiming that most of the clothes are mine, and she's trying to find hers.... they are all HERS! But she swears that I wear her clothes, and mix mine with hers, and she will pull everything out of her dresser at least 3 or 4 times a week, then forget that she's done it, and accuse me of coming in and throwing her clothes on the bed - then call me everything under the sun.

My 74 year old father is also here, but she sometimes thinks that she is divorced from him...and they've been married almost 50 years, too!

I wish I had answers for you....I'm still trying to figure this all out myself, even after dealing with it for over 2 years now! *HUGS* to you.

sunnydaze1 · 11-14-2007, 09:40 PM

Maybe you could take some of these clothes and put them in a closet in a spare bedroom so she doesn't have so much to choose from. She could be overwhelmed with trying to figure out what to wear. I also put all my mom's summer clothes upstairs and out of the way so she didn't have to wonder what season to dress for.

I was able to get the majority of my mom's clothes out of the house and into the facility without her even knowing because she seemed to wear the same clothes over and over again. I took her clothes that she saves for "nice" which is really just everyday decent stuff. She never even knew it was missing from her closet.

So if you could just limit her outfits to a couple pairs of slacks and tops, I think it would help. BTW, have you looked into a live alert help system? My mom wore what looked like a little watch and you'ld press a button for help like you'ld call 911. She never needed to use it, but it could give you some peace of mind.

Thank you for your kind words and know that you're not alone. Sometimes, especially this week, I've wished I could just run away, but I know I can't...but I do feel that way..and a lot! Hang in there, that's all I can say.