Not Ready to Die - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

Martha H · 11-20-2007, 03:44 AM

My sister and BIL are back from their short visit to NY.

My sister announced that Mom has changed her mind. She is not ready to die. She says "this place is not so bad."

It is as if my sister decided that she could persuade Mom not to die and Mom agreed. We all know it is not Mom's choice - when the time comes, she will have to go whether she likes it here or not. But it is my opinion that my sister somehow got the idea through to Mom, that she would be devastated if Mom passes away (at age 99) so Mom is trying to cling to life a little longer for her sake.

This is of course the opposite of what the rest of us try to do, give Mom our 'permission' and our blessing, and keep telling her she will be in a better place and see all her departed loved ones again.

Meanwhile, Mom's condition is the same, eating hardly anything, becoming just skin and bones, apathetic and not interested in anything.

I don't think my sister's words will have any life prolonging effect, and yet it reminded me yet again how we are not pulling together on the same end of the rope. And it makes me feel very sad and even a little guilty - we are trying to get Mom to relax and let go, since she is officially dying and in hospice care, while the 'good' daughter tries to help her to cling to life.

I have visualized all kinds of scenarios around Mom's death, but never this one ....

Love,

Martha

Gabriel · 11-20-2007, 06:40 AM

I am sorry that your sister has chosen to put yet another burden on your shoulders Martha. Your Mother has lived a good long life and in her current condition you understand that her is near her ending. Your sister is reflecting her inability to deal with the current situation onto your Mom. It was nothing she got from your Mom. Hold on to what you know and believe and take what your sisters says considering the source it came from. As I said about my sister this weekend.... She is doing the best she can with the knowledge and information she allows herself to have at the moment. Know my thoughts and prayer go with you all.....

Love, Deb

DeeDee7 · 11-20-2007, 11:41 AM

Martha, I am so sorry you have to deal with this problem. We have had to *pull* some of our siblings along the whole way to get them to deal with the realities of our Mother's dementia. Thank God, all of us are on the same page now, and that is a welcome relief for us.

I know how long you have dealt with these family issues with courage and grace, and just try to be content to know that you have done your best. God Bless you, DeeDee

petal*pusher · 11-20-2007, 02:46 PM

Martha...I surely agree with Deb. Making you think that somehow your Mother was able to relay this to your sister is just one more way to heap some guilt on you and your brother. Never mind her! The both of you have already come to the painful understanding of how this disease has absorbed your Mother...and the two of you also.

Standing on the sidelines giving directions and superficial observations often happens to those family members who cannot face reality ...you and your brother stick together...at the end, you'll still have each other.

Sending love your way...keeping you and your family in my thoughts...Pam

Dingoes · 11-20-2007, 11:43 PM

Martha, I'm so sorry your sister is putting so much of this burden on you. I have a sister who lives in Florida and has been very supportive of anything I want to do (I always got along better with Nana, even as a kid) and reading about your sister and BIL makes me realize how lucky I am.

I'm pulling for you.