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Old 02-13-2008, 11:14 AM   #1
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Unhappy what am i dealing with?

hello, i just acquired my dad in sept of 07, he is 74, his wife was no longer able to care for him, he was a LIFE long alcoholic(major)!! he was in depends due to prostate cancer, since i had him, i got him to the dr.s, he was doing so well, no drinking, he was able to get out of the depends, he was able to walk on his own, just wonderful!!............all that came to a screeching halt, when some one sneaked him a bottle of liquor!! he took off in his car & drove to fla, from nc,well when he got there, he had no where to go, so he slept in his truck, & drank for a whole month!! well my son went to fla to get him & bring him back, needless to say, i had a mess on my hands, since i had gotten him back, he had some mini strokes, his mind was going a little, but now it had gotten worse, and he kept falling down, he keeps talking crazy stuff, i took him to the dr. & the dr. had placed him in a nursing home, he stayed there for 30 days, trying to rehabilitate him, his mind was also getting worse, now hes back home, hes VERY irate & mean, he seems very confused, but some times hes ok, then other times, just off the wall!! i never know what to expect, i no, im not the same person any more, i snap at everyone, i cant help it, plus i have no help with him at all!! he still has his car & drivers licence, he keeps wanting to drive, that would probably get someone killed!! i told him there is no insurance on his car, & i flattened the tires, but he keeps wanting people to take him to get the car straight, what on earth do i do!! im at my wits end!! its always a constant battle!!

 
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Old 02-13-2008, 12:21 PM   #2
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Re: what am i dealing with?

Hi onecent

First and foremost, your battle with trying to make him see reason is a fruitless and stressful exercise. You need to find other ways to modify his behaviour. Alcohol induced dementia is NOT nice and victims can be violent, so please be careful. Screaming, yelling, challenging him ain't gonna do nothing 'cept make a bad situation even worse. You cannot make him see reason as his brain is already damaged due to alcohol abuse. He's not in control of himself either.

so .. you've already figured out a few things: alcohol isn't good for him. Ensure friends and family understand he is NOT to be supplied with any. Explain to them his alcohol induced dementia and tell them they will be held liable if they supply. It's a start. Secondly, I don't care how you do it, but disable that car. Get a blank set of keys, rip out some wires, YOU will be the one held accountable if he does something dumb and is already known to be cognitively challenged.

And last but not least, get him to a doctor and medicated to help get him to an acceptable level of behaviour. Right now, he's off the wall and is a danger to you, himself and others. Usual doctor won't do it ? Find another who is more skilled in Dementia, alcohol induced Dementia and anything else.

I don't know where you are, but we've all been in that corner your stuck in, and most of us have managed to climb out .. it is possible, but you have to do stuff you really don't want to do. There aren't too many options left open especially with a non-compliant patient!!!

Another thought for the car: Tow it somewhere AWAY and when he asks about it, tell him its at the repair shop. LIE if you have to, it'll keep EVERYBODY safe ......... like I said, been there, done that, had no choice. Yes, I was the big bad meanie, and hated for a very long time, but SHE was safe, my KIDS were safe, the NEIGHBOURHOOD was safe ...... and that was just the car.

I wrote a 4 page letter to our family doctor who had been ignoring all the obvious symptoms until I almost had a stroke (yes, my BP was up that high) and he finally (bless the Lord) gave her some pills that did knock her silly for a little while, but levelled her out to the loving gentle kitten I knew and loved before (but not before she was placed permanently in a nursing home).

Sorry if I sound so harsh, but its IMPERATIVE you get things started NOW and not LATER before your in an even BIGGER mess. (and it will get worse, I assure you ........ )

My heart and prayers are with you.

 
Old 02-13-2008, 12:48 PM   #3
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Re: what am i dealing with?

I agree with the above post. Do what you have to do - get him into the hospital, (ER?) and get him sent to a nursing hme, a detox center, anythng. I am so sorry you have to be in this position. Good luck!

Martha

 
Old 02-13-2008, 01:00 PM   #4
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Re: what am i dealing with?

wow! thank you Gemini, at least you do understand what im going through!!hes been seen by 2 different dr.s, i wish he could go into a nursing home, they are far better able to deal with this than me!! i just dont have the patience to go through this!! im getting all worked up my self, & im not well either, i have severe copd, & take many meds, plus my dad is over 240lbs, and when he falls, its impossible to get him up!! i have to call the paramedics enlist the neighbors & so forth, & not to mention all the fruitless arguments he puts on me!! ive had to hide the mouthwash, cough syrups, & baking flavorings also, he gets into those things also, funny, he cant get dressed or open hes candy wrappers, but can get into mouthwash & cough syrups & such!! just like having a toddler around!! ..a 240lb one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Old 02-13-2008, 02:55 PM   #5
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Re: what am i dealing with?

Everything Gemini said is gosple and it will not get much better, unless it is through medication, and will get worse. If I were you I would do everything I could to have him placed in some sort of long term care. Is he a veteran, on medicaid, or any other program that might be helpful? Check with some local long term care facilities and get some guidance from there. You do not need to hang on until you damage your own health like so many of us have done. I have just spent the last 6 months trying to get my own health under control after dealing with my Mom and Dad for over a year. At the very least you need some in home care for him at least part of the day so you can sleep or get out for a while. Please find yourself some help with this situation. Gemini was right. Most of us have been where you are and it is important to dig your way out. It is possible!!

While you are at it tell anybody that might supply him with Alcohol that you will just take him to them when he acts out.... they can take care of him!! :-)

My thoughts and prayers go with you and your Dad.

Love, deb

 
Old 02-14-2008, 10:22 AM   #6
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Angry Re: what am i dealing with?

thanks to everyone!! i feel for any one who has to go through this!! i woke up to the nastiest mess this morning!! i heard him in his room moving around, so got up, when i got in there,omg!! he had pooped all over his self, all over my carpet, just every where!! he had went into the bathroom & got my towels trying to clean it up, i just about "lost it"!!! i told him he needs to go back to the nursing home where they can take care of him, he said no, just get my car fixed & ill go to Fla!!......well , thats not gonna happen!! so then he tells me, put me on a greyhound bus, well thats not gonna happen either, does he understand anything i say to him?? i feel like im talking to my self!!..........well, i probably am!! i called the dr. while ago, i hope she calls me back!! something has to be done, or im gonna be in the "mental ward'...........thanks for letting me vent.................................... penny

 
Old 02-14-2008, 12:34 PM   #7
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Re: what am i dealing with?

Penny,

Your not 'getting it' yet ......... he's not doing this on purpose just to Pi55 you off honey .. he can't help it.

If your going to have him at home, your going to have to accept that he's gonna quite likely wreck your stuff. He hasn't got enough cognition to be reasonable, and logic is no longer functioning. He's on something like 'auto-pilot' and will just do the first thing that comes into his head.

Remember, this man has been in charge of his life for a very long time now, and to relinquish that role is virtually impossible. The ONLY way your going to make him compliant is by medication UNTIL the disease progresses far enough that he will forget 'everything'.

He's frightened, he's scared, he's angry. Wouldn't you be if you 'knew' something was going terribly wrong with your life but you couldn't put your finger on it?

My ex-charge, wonderful woman, was spiralling out of control, violent episodes (you know, her 3 sons cant remember her EVER smacking them without a VERY VERY good reason, but here she was, regularly beating my kids for something she thought they had done that she had actually done herself), she was so VERY VERY frightened. She thought I was trying to steal her husband (I was nursing him too) she thought I was trying to take control of her household (well, yeah .. I was .. cause she wasn't coping), she hated the fact that I came in and 'took over'. Every time she did something wrong, even though I stepped in through love to help, she saw it as me showing her another thing she did wrong. Her reaction? Hit. Scream. Throw things. Walk out. Pull her hair. Chuck a tantrum (spectacular ones, let me tell you!).

And what made matters worse for her was she lost her speech. She could mainly babble, but what was in her head was perfectly fine. For example she would go to say "Good Morning" and it would come out "blather blather" now she believed she had said "Good Morning" yet we would look at her weirdly and go "What ?" She would repeat herself, and us, still not 'getting it' would get frustrated cause we didn't understand her. She, for the life of her, couldn't figure out why we couldn't understand her and get angry. As far as she was concerned (and this goes for the majority of early-mid stage) they are PERFECTLY FINE thank you very much, it's the REST OF THE WORLD that's gone mad.

So ... find your patience ... put some interventions into action, stop getting mad at him (cause it can and is making him worse) and GET SOME HELP.

Serious .. you can vent all you like, but you have to put stuff into action.

We'll help ........ we've all had successful strategies that worked....

 
Old 02-14-2008, 09:10 PM   #8
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Unhappy Re: what am i dealing with?

hi gemini, i appreciate you helping me, i know he cant help it, but im all new to this too, its so frustrating!!! im tring VERY hard to get some help, but where i live, it seems like everyone is "passing the buck" they tell me he has to go to the hospital & ask for help, but of course he wont do that, so the nurse from the dr.s office told me, next time he falls, call the ambulance & they will take him to the hospital & they will handle it from there, as far as his drivers license, dmv wont pull it, dr. wont do anything either, i dont under stand none of that!! thats the kind of stuff im dealing with, im not mad at him, just the system and this horrible disease!! & plus im a nervous wreak my self!! im also worried that he will get out & get gone, hes trying so hard to get back to fla, he would pay someone to take him to a bus station!!when he left the last time, he paid some man a 100.00 to get him a bottle of liquor!!he still has all his finances, i cant get power of attorney, ive tried, my hands are tied, so i dont know what to do!! all i do is get yelled at & have to clean up messes!!& watch as this disease takes over him...................penny

 
Old 02-15-2008, 04:39 AM   #9
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Re: what am i dealing with?

Oh honey, trust me, your telling my story .. almost word for word!!!

The brick walls you hit whilst trying to make a loved one safe is absolutely incredible.

My trick?

Scream ..... VERY LOUDLY and don't stop until someone decides you need to be shut up. Call for an ambulance EACH AND EVERY TIME he

* becomes uncontrollable
* chucks a trantrum
* falls/slips
* anything

And I seriously mean anything. I was calling the ambulance on almost a daily basis when some bright spark at the hospital FINALLY called for an ACAT Assessment (its an Australian Aged Care Assessment Team, they decide who, what, when and where) my only trouble was one of her sons managed to bust her out of hospital BEFORE they could do an assessment.

next day? Rang the ambulance, packed her off to the hospital again.

I know this is hard, but you can't give Dad choices anymore. How you do that is up to you. I know when I rang the ambulance each time, I was distraught myself (tears DO work) and especially when I said "I will not be held accountable for what I might do to her under these stress levels" it was amazing how much help I actually got finally. It HAD to be extreme. If you don't scream loud enough, you don't need the help so urgently .. and I'm telling you, this is how the 'authorities' REALLY think.

I had to take most matters into my own hands, I couldn't give my ex-charge any choices .. she wasn't capable of keeping herself safe, she was constantly putting herself in danger (not to mention the neighbours!!) ... I sat back and waited for things to happen, got frustrated, got sick, got angry, got resentful, had the whole 'burnout' syndrome ........ and why? Because I procrastinated instead of being proactive. Big difference.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but if I can get somebody to stop wasting time and get them active in getting their loved one safe NOW instead of LATER, I will shout it from the rooftops. To save somebody the heartache and illness I brought on myself ........ yeah ... that's why I'm here.

 
Old 02-16-2008, 10:28 AM   #10
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Re: what am i dealing with?

Gemini...your posts reflect the frustration felt by us all! Thank you for your frank and sincere information...the reflection of this horrific disease on your own life is so apparent!

For those first looking for help and understanding, I sure do hope they realize that those of us here who have lived with Alzheimer's for a while are offering every bit of support they can! Each of us have different stories that have led us down (and I do mean DOWN) this straggly path that led us here to these forums. Each shared story and suggestion is surely helpful. Even after several years of dealing with this...and having 3 close loved ones afflicted...I STILL find helpful info that I wish I'd knew about.

Penny...I'm sad that you are along on this same journey...there are so many changes your family will have to endure. Know there are many here who have already taken this path.

I honestly don't think I could have kept taking care of my loved ones on my own! As difficult as it is, the best place for them is in proper facilities that are experts in this area. Guilt? You bet! A tiny bit of needed relief? Definately yes! The first few weeks/months are very hard...but soon the person believes he/she is in their own home because they remember nothing different. This disease robs us all....so much we need to learn......Pam

 
Old 02-22-2008, 12:19 AM   #11
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Re: what am i dealing with?

the DMV did not want to pull my mother's license after she drove into a remote dry riverbed, 100 degree heat, with 90 yr old friend. Search & Rescue helicopter found them, police, CHP, firemen. Then car impounded while driving on suspended license. I wrote letters, called again and again, threatened, sought doctor support (one wrote DMV on my behalf), the DMV man hated me I'm sure but too bad. Make it your mission to make the DMV recognize the need to take his license away. I told them with all the evidence we had that mom should not be driving, if she harmed herself or others while driving the DMV would be held responsible. He finally revoked her license. Then we took the car out of her name and refuse her the keys. One time she want to drive "just to the clubhouse" of her mobilehome park. She will argue with me but not my brother. So I dialed his number and handed her the phone and said "If (brother) says you can drive, I'll give you the keys." Of course, he told her no. Good luck and pray, it's a long hard road ahead and no one, but no one knows the journey until they take it.

 
Old 02-22-2008, 07:01 PM   #12
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Re: what am i dealing with?

I really feel for you! My Mother passed away with Alzheimer's Disease and my Father is now bedridden from multiple strokes. I too had to fight to get licenses taken away. It is hard to tell your parents what they can't do, but because we do love them dearly, and fear for the others out there on the road I would just as soon have them mad at me than injure someone. It is not easy when the jobs are switched and you are now the parent taking care of the child so to speak. Thank you for the remark because it made me feel better about my situation. Hang in there, right now it is our only option.
Judy

Last edited by turpin23; 02-22-2008 at 07:02 PM. Reason: misspelled word

 
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