Don't Know What to Do About My Mom - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

LucyT · 04-08-2008, 05:56 AM

She signed a power of attorney two years ago to a counsin who has control now of her Social Security check. My mother had a bank account of $12,000 which is gone now. She has no life insurance so she was saving the money for burial. I visit her twice a year in Pa., I live in FL, and it costs me over $1,000 each time I go. In Oct I saw that she lost weight had no money and no food. Her refrigerator was bare as well as cabinets. I went right out and filled her freezer, cabinets, etc. My mother has no bank book showing where her SS checks gets deposited. I called SS and asked them with my mother's permission and they couldn't tell me over the phone. I asked them to change direct deposit and mail check to my mother. The cousin took her right to the bank and had it changed back into her name. She told my mother to give me a message "if you interfer in our business again I'll have you arrested." I couldn't beleive it so I backed off. I sent my mother a christmas present and she didn't even send me a card. I never had a close relationship with her since she gave me to my father's mother when I was born. She never acted like she had any love for me but I always hoped maybe things would change.

I have two brothers, one doesn't speak to anyone in the family. I don't know why. My other brother has been supported by my mother for most of his adult life. He is in Mississipi. He is totally dysfunctional and an alcoholic but was able to serve a year in the Iraq war. He's another story so I don't want to get into that. He called me on Sunday and said Mom called his ex-wife 11 pm Saturday night looking for him. He's been divorced for 20 years. She thinks my brother spent Saturday with her and that he left telling her he would be back. He was never there! I didn't see this problem when I visited her last time. I called her and she told me the same story that Michael was there yesterday and she doesn't know where he went because he didn't return. She did say he called and said he was in Mississippi so she did understand and remember this fact but she still firmly believes that he was in PA on Sat. My daugher was here and talked to her on the phone. We found out that she's on Aricept and an antidepressant. I looked up Aricept and it causes delusions (common side affect). I can't talk to her doctor because of privacy. I don't know what to do to intervene. It seems like I have no rights now because she signed that power of attorney two years ago. which I have never actually seen. She told me the cousin made her pay for it when she signed it $400. I feel sorry for my mother and angry that someone can get away with stealing someone's money. I called a number on the internet for a State Agency that can intervene. However, they told me they can't tell me anything. I called two years ago and never heard back. How can something like this happen? People tell me to forget it since my mother never cared for me. How can I do that? Can anyone offer any suggestions. I don't have time or money to fight a long distance court battle. I would be happy to see the State take guardianship and arrange for her to receive care but right now I don't think they will do anything to help her. They will probably go there and talk to her for 5 minutes then write a report that says everything appears okay. I am praying that God will send me the answer and the right thing to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Maybe someone else went through this and know the answer.

Lucy

Gabriel · 04-08-2008, 06:55 AM

This is the reason it is so important to be sure that POA is given to the right person. In most states a durable POA is irrevocable and gives the person that has the POA all the powers that the individual has. You will more than likely have to prove neglect, abuse, or misapproriation of funds which will involve lengthy investigation and/or court battle. If you think there is fraud on the part of the cousin all you can do from where you are is report the fact to social security, the police, and social services but there is no promise that anything will be done. If they investigate and do not see a problem then there is nothing they can do.

This is one of the reasons that privacy laws are detrimental to the elderly, especially those with dementia. Protecting the privacy of an individual seems to be a good idea on the surface but it can create insurmountable road blocks when you are trying to help someone in trouble.

My best suggestion is to keep looking for evidence of abuse, neglect, or fraud and report your findings to the appropriate authorities. If you have other family members that are also willing do to this then they should as well. The more reports that go in the more likely they are to reinvestigate and eventually they might dig until they find the truth. I wish you luck in this difficult situation.....

Love, deb

ibake&pray · 04-08-2008, 01:27 PM

Deb gave you good advice. Your mom sounds like she is getting to the point where she is not going to be able to live alone much longer. Aricept is given to help keep an alzheimer patient at the level they are currently at, to maintain their cognizent level. The delusions that your mom is having are probably caused by the disease,not by the medicine. It is very common for these folks to swear that they have had visitors or phone calls from folks who haven't been to visit them for months or years.

If is it possible you need to have someone check into your mom's living conditions. She may be to the point where she is going to need assisted living before long. It sounds like it isn't far off for her.

good luck, my heart is hurting for you and her...

Titchou · 04-08-2008, 08:22 PM

I don't know about in your state, but here in Alabama a durable POA is revocable. I would investigate that in your mother's state. And $400 is ridiculous! We paid $50 for one here and it included medical and everything. In most large cities they have a local ABA (American Bar Association) office. They maintain a list of attorneys who will give you a 30 minute meeting without charge on certain issues. See if there is one in your mother's home town.

gemini1961 · 04-09-2008, 03:27 AM

Dysfunctional family with dysfunctional behaviours. Please don't take offence, I'm just going to run a few things by you that a lawyer may think/react to ok?

yes, she's your mother, but why now are you showing an interest? Has the cousin been a stable influence over the last few years? Does your mother have any other mental disease (handing over children ISN'T a normal behaviour for a parent) because you say:

Quote:

I never had a close relationship with her since she gave me to my father's mother when I was born. She never acted like she had any love for me but I always hoped maybe things would change

If Mum has one of the dementia's, she's going to do irrational behaviours, and go 'back' in time ...... so calling your brothers ex-wife isn't unusual. Delusions don't necessarily need to be medication induces, it's part of the disease process as well as their memory 'back's up'. There's nothing unusual there.

Do you have proof of your mothers mistreatment? Here I am talking about photographic evidence, written records, statements .......... (and not from your mother) ....... nobody will sit up and listen to you unless you have evidence.

And finally .. the nasty part. You mention $$ a lot. Is this a primary concern and if so why? Please remember, I'm NOT attacking you in this question, but it is one that passes by everybody who is classified as a carer when a relative who has not been a participant in care starts questioning things.

I wish you luck in your answers. I hope I've helped you question a few things and given you a bit of direction. Main advice? find a lawyer who specialises in elder care.