Once again we are having a very difficult time with Mom and her depression. Just as she did before she left home, she is having frequent "melt downs". She is aggrivating Dad, says she would rather be dead, and hates where she is. She wants to go back home. She doesn't want anybody there to help her. What she really wants is to turn back the clock to preALZ.
The reason she moved to AL was because she was having these same "melt downs" She always blames in on the fact that she can't do anything or go any where because she has to take care of Dad. We hired a sitter at home to give her that freedom and she resented the sitter being. She acted out until she ran off the sitter. She has been on various meds for depression and we keep returning to the same place. She saw a Psychologist before she left home and that turned into a disaster. Her cognitive testing showed sever impairment in her auditory processing so "talking" doesn't work well. She takes from it what she remembers and confabulates it to suit herself.
She is finding fault with everything at AL. She is a regular in the offices chewing out the staff about something. Nothing suits her.
She has aggravated Dad to the point that he has become extremely agitated on several occasions. This escalates into episodes of yelling, pushing, and throwing things. She will tell him she wants to go home. He will ask why they can't. She will say because they don't have a car. He will ask where is the van. She will say the girls took it. He will get angry that the van is not there. On and on they go. Then he gets angry and she cries. Then she starts blaming him. It is all his fault that they are there. He gets more upset because he doesn't see it as his fault. He actually told her to leave the last time, threw water on her, and then locked her out of the room. He has lost his aggression unless she is aggrivating him. But if he hits her then the police is called and he goes for a psychological evaluation at the Psychiatric Hospital. He doesn't need it Mom does.
It was decided that Dad would move to a different room for both their well being. Then one of my sister's changed the plan because Mom didn't want it that way. Now they are planning for us to hire a sitter. We have been that route before and Mom has already stated she doesn't want anybody else there. The last time she said that she did run off the sitter. They are also taking her to another Psychologist, at our expense. Been there done that one before and what we got out of that was her telling us to "kiss my butt and go home". They also increased her depression medication and so far it has made no different. All the time Mom is saying she is miserable, crying almost consistently, and swears she would rather be dead.
She blames it all on Dad. She has to stay with him all the time and cannot do what she wants to do. The reality of the situation is that she doesn't know how to do anything different. She gets up, takes the sheets off the bed, washes and irons them, and then sits with Dad. Unless pushed she only goes to meals. We arranged for her to to out for lunch and a trip to the beach yesterday. She went and evidently had a pleasant trip. Before she went to bed she was angry and crying again. She has cried all day today and keeps saying she wants to go back home while refusing to do anything but wash sheets and cry.
I have tried to talk to my one sister but she refuses to have a rational conversation. She doesn't want Mom and Dad separated. So Dad gets more medication so he won't fight back and they give Mom exactly what has been done before and didn't work. I am the evil child for questioning "the plan". I am so frustrated and just needed to ven because Dad ends up being blamed, aggrivated, and medicated so Mom can rage on. This is turning into a disaster......
Why does your sister have the right to make these decisions without the rest of the family agreeing? Does she have POA over your parents' affairs? I am surprised that the rest of you let her have her way. I would fight tooth and nail for those two separate rooms, for example - for your dad's peace of mind if nothing else. The old man deserves some peace in his old age and in his confused state.
I say get them the two separate rooms. Aso, anti-depressive drugs take 6 weeks to kick in. Meanwhile they might try a mild tranquiliser to calm HER down.
Sorry both your parents are in this condition.
Love,
Martha
PS the sheet washing is a kind of obsessive complusive behavior. Maybe someone can get her started on some kind of handwork project - can she knit or crochet? Draw or color pictures? Paint? Something that will keep her occupied ....
Last edited by Martha H; 04-18-2008 at 04:16 AM.
Reason: PS
Dear dear Deb,
It's so hard being in the middle of the mess, isn't it? I have a question? Why does your sister have the right to decide what is right for your parents? Who died and made her queen? I'm sorry, but it seems that you all just cave in to her. Has she been this way all her life, or just when she wants to get her way? And why does she think she knows best?
Right now your mom and dad sound like two toddlers who can't stand to live with each other or without each other.Deb,your dad is like the older kid and is doing just fine by himself until your mom comes along with her stick and pokes him and then he gets wound up and he gets blamed for whatever has happened and your Mom gets off scot free, but she's happy for the moment...
We all need a place to call our own.Deb, your dad needs a room of his own. My dogs have their own crates for heavens sake! Doesn't your dad deserve his own room? I am sure it would be a relief for him. It must be tiring for him to be around as much emotion energy as your mother puts out...it is tiring for an old man..
And your Mom. Perhaps it would help her settle down. Wtih no one to enjoy the histronics, she might settle down some also. It's hard to keep up the level when the audience has disappeared. A break from each other might be refreshing for both of them. This way she would free to do what she wants and not be responsible for your dad either. Have they tried giving your Mom her meds round the clock or does she just get them during the day? (And no you can't take them!) Have they adjusted them? Would d making a quilt help? Does she quilt? Knit? Crochet? Nag? Maybe she could help the staff dust or clean seeing she doesn't like how the do it.....I imagine there are loads of sheets that they do there and towels, perhaps she could help fold those....(yeah right)...
I can't remember who is holding POA for your parents, but unless it's you, you need to clunk them on the head and get your parents separate rooms for their own piece of minds. You need to get your mom on a good anti depressaint-and give it time to work. They don't just start over night unfortunately. And get yourself a box of Calgon so you can "wash this away."
Good luck.....we're on your side girl....good luck!
A different sister has the POA and she was there when they decided to put them in separate rooms. The problem is that the POA sister and myself, who agree, both live 2.5-3 hours away and the sister that is "running the show" lives in the same town. It was after my POA sister left that everything was changed.
My sister has been this way all her life. She is always right and has to have it her way. She is the baby. Anybody that challenges her catches her wrath. If you turn your back she manipulates. She likes control. I am a peace maker and have tried for years to "keep the peace" After Mom was diagnosed I stood up my baby sister and that's when the problems began. She resents me and fought everything I have tried to do for Mom and Dad so no matter what I suggest it's a bad suggestion.
You are right Ibake. Dad is gettin the aggrivation and the blame and Mom is getting off scott free. After one altercation my baby sister actually left Dad at AL with my fourth sister and took Mom out for the day and to a pizza lunch. So if Mom creates enough chaos she gets taken out for the day. It was not long before she was at it again. Nothing like rewarding bad behavior. Mom has been on various depression medications for the last 4 years but the results are the same. She is completely self absorbed and makes life miserable for anybody around her. After a major blow up she simmers for a while and the blows up again. She has already decided she doesn't want this sitter so I figure my sister's "plan" is not going to last long.
The washing and ironing is an obcessive compulsive behavior Martha. She is constantly complaining about the washers and dryers. She also takes laundry to different floors and loses it then swears somebody stold it. The staff catches her wrath. I also think it is something that she still thinks she can do. Because of her stubborness and temper she does have difficulties socializing but it's not her fault.... can't be her fault.
As for medication she has been on four different depression medications. The last one is Effexor. Then they changed it to Remeron and have recently upped the dosage. She also has prn Ativan and a sleeping pill. Dad is also on Remeron and prn Ativan but doesn't need a sleeping pill.... he sleeps like a baby for hours, dozing during the day.
I have been, from a distance, trying to encourage Mom to participate in activities with little success. I go often enough to sign her up for outtings. I sign her up, talked to her about them for days, call in time to be sure they are up and dressed, and call when it is time to walk out the door. Sometimes she goes and sometimes she doesn't. She doesn't like the things they do. There is always a complaint from Mom and a reason not to go. But then she cries that there is nothing to do.
I have two sisters that live 5 miles from the AL. They go when Mom wants something from the grocery store or when there is a disaster. Either could take Mom and Dad to their house for an afternoon. The last time my baby sister was truly angry with me she didn't go see Mom and Dad for a week. My other sister works full time and has somewhat of an "excuse".
Oh well... I have talked to my POA sister. Mom has decided she doesn't want this sitter so I don't see that lasting long. Mom's ability to process auditory is so poor that the Psychologist will empower her to continue what she is doing. She catches bits and peaces and weaves it into her thought process. I expect another major melt down soon. The facility knows that my POA sister and I are in favor of the separate rooms. For the moment the two of us have backed off. In order to go forward I have to let my baby sister fail. It's not far to either of my parents but especially Dad. I plan to go Monday to assess the situation for myself. In the mean time I am calling Mom several times a day to try to defuse her wrath.
Thank you both for your imput. It does help just to type it out and know that I am not crazy thinking they need separate roomes. Hugs to you both.
Would it work to remind the staff that the sister with the POA made the arrangements, not the "in town sister, who has NO LEGAL RIGHT?" Sometimes that shakes them up, unless they don't like to deal with her either! LOL....
I do feel for you. Perhaps when you are there this week, you can get the changes made and just say "Oh, it just happened! Let's see how it works for a while and we can change it back later." Would she make a fuss in front of the staff? Is it worth a try?
I feel for your dad. It's tough to be on the receiving end of the roller coaster of emotional *ell. I am suprised that your Mom's doc hasn't worked harder at finding something to calm her down though. With all the meds that are out there there has to be something that will help her in the long run...even if it's giving her a LARGE glass of wine!
keep us posted...I'm praying for you..and no, you are not crazy.
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