My Rose-Colored Glasses - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

sunnydaze1 · 04-20-2008, 08:12 PM

My mom has gone from AL to a NH within 6 months. I visit mom every other day and when she is resting in bed she can converse like she always had..even asked me to bring her sweater. Told her I don't know where it is. She tells me it's on the back of the kitchen chair or on the couch in the livingroom. Which it always was until I threw it out!!

How the heck does she remember this stuff...and even remembers that I'm leaving Thursday for Florida!

If it wasn't for the fact that my mom walks around like she's blind and doesn't recognize where to go; or feeds herself like a baby, I'd swear she has all her marbles! But she doesn't!!

My brother and I have all but emptied her home that Dad built (heartbreaker in itself) and there are three people ready to buy it in a heartbeat.

Why do I feel so guilty like I'm going behind my Mom's back? I know she could never go home again without 24 hour care which I cannot do and to hire someone would be a nightmare trying to get the right person.

Mom got LTC insurance way back when she was my age and now she is reaping the benefits of what she's paid into it..(LTC is a whole 'nother issue I'm not sure I wish to ever have)

Either way, it's still a mountain of money to pay for even if you don't need it.

So help me realize I'm doing the right thing by selling Mom & Dad's house...why can't I get over the feeling that I'm deceiving her?

petal*pusher · 04-20-2008, 08:53 PM

You're not deceiving her Sunny...you'd be deceiving YOURSELF if you simply pretended this was not happening. You're absolutely doing the right thing...for Mom...and your brother and you. It's hard...it's REALLY hard, but this disease affects the entire family with sad results.

Funny you mentioned the "sweater" incident! My own Mother missed her favorite red sweater when she first was placed in an Alzheimer's facility. It was given away with tons of other clothes, etc.,etc,.etc...when we cleared out her home. I found another one and took it to her...a little too late because she'd gotten into a fist-fight with another client in a red sweater. She never realized it was a different sweater.

I have 5 other siblings...the decision to sell her home seemed easier for some than others...I had the most guilt because I'd never left our hometown. I'd been the one that always kept an eye on her. All of the tough decisions one has to make in the beginning of this horrendous disease bring you down...they make you think about your loved one in an entirely different way. We have to realize their safety and well being are the priority now more than ever.

Sunny...many here have felt those same feelings you're going thru right now. In a few months you'll realize you have no choice but to do what you're doing............sending positive prayers your way....Pam

Gabriel · 04-20-2008, 10:28 PM

We are in the same situation you are in Sunny. Mom and Dad have gone from home to AL. Each has a different form of dementia and we know that neither of them will ever go back home. Yet their house and van sits, 7 months now, because my sister refuses to consider selling it. It is the house Mom and Dad lived in for 54 years and it is hard to sell it but it is no longer their home. It is a house that needs to be lived in and loved. You are making the right decision by selling the house. Your Mom is where she needs to be. It will not go back to the way it was. Even with moments of what appears to be clarity you know that she will never live there again. Even if you explain it to her and she seems to understand at that moment she will forget it or disagree with it when it comes back into her head. It is not fair to her to expect her to deal with decisions she is not capable to handling. Therefore you have to do it for her. It is all inevitable and for the best. Remember the good times, grab the precious moments you have left, and let the house be loved and cared for by someone else. It is a way to honor your Mom rather than keeping it as an empty shrine. It is hard just to think about it but when logic takes over for emotion you know it is the right thing to do.

Love, deb

sunnydaze1 · 04-21-2008, 04:50 PM

Thank you Pam and Deb with such kind, but realistic observations for me. I think I needed that.

Today mom fell at th NH..she got dizzy when she walked over to the sink (or to the stove as she told me)

to wash her hands from eating because she made a mess all over herself. She eats in her room; hated the dining room. She's alright thank God, just gave her head a pretty good bumping.

More than ever I know I'm doing the right thing. I think she'd be too much for anyone to care for in her own home. It's way beyond impossible for me to even think that anymore.

On an up note, a neighbor boy, or young man I should say, is interested in buying mom's house so if things go the way I hope they do, the house may be sold before a sign even goes up. It brings me comfort to think it could be someone I know (actually, I know his mom more than him, and she's ecstatic about it!) So hopefully, the house headache will be off my shoulders within a few short months.

Thanks again for all your support and wisdom that comes from your hearts.

Gabriel · 04-21-2008, 09:03 PM

I am glad your Mom is ok after her tumble. Been there done that and glad Mom was in AL because help was there immediately. Dad didn't have a clue what to do and it is scary to think of them being home alone in that situation.

I am please for you that you have found someone interested in the house. I hope it all goes smoothly for you. Hopefully one day we will do the same.

Now go enjoy your trip with peace of mine...... all is well!!!

Love, deb