hi - new here & starting with a bad "Mom" day - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

MyJoyAsa · 04-27-2008, 03:42 PM

Hi. I'm new here. Hate to be here. Know you all understand.

My Mom and I have been dealing with her AZ for years. Today was my first day to visit her in almost 3 weeks. I normally spend 1 day a week shopping, eating out. She's in an assisted living. But I've been very sick so I missed 2 weekends and today was awful. She was really off her mark. I carried in fast food. She doesn't have it often and I still was not strong enough for the stress of taking her out. (She's like a 3 year old. Not bad but you really have to keep an eye on her. One day I stepped an isle away from her in a store and 5 minutes later caught her tearing open about 6 bags of socks! I have no idea why. I felt terrible but didn't pay (didn't have the $$) as I ushered her to the car.

)

Well, it was like crazy day. She could not remember how to eat. She was trying to smash the french fries cardboard holder and all and eat it like a sandwich. When I finally got her to understand what that was and that she actually had a sandwich she started eating it with the paper still wrapped around it.

Then we got to the really fun part of the day. In her old papers she found love letters from my Dad. These were from 1946 - 1948. Mom's take on finding them? Someone at the AL is in love with her and she's engaged. She's concerned since she can't remember who she gave her hand to but his name is "William". She is going to try and figure out who he is so we can meet next week.

I made a very gentle swipe at explaining who William was but she thinks I'm an idiot (in all things by the way) and she laughed at me. Of course she'd dated a man named William years ago but I didn't know him and this obviously wasn't the same man. Oye.

I was floored. That she has slid so far that she doesn't remember William was my Dad is not good. I wish I thought it had something to do with my being absent for 2 weekends but I have a dear friend she's known forever who "subbed" and took her out to dinner and a couple of yard sale and, quite frankly, she didn't know it had been 3 weekends since I'd been out there. I'm more concerned her drift down is me. That since I see her every week I didn't realize that she's on a faster path now.

My issue is the public part of this. If she had been out and eating that
way she was it would have been difficult. More stress to the event. I come home from a day with her beat. I work long hours Monday - Friday the usually an 8 hour exhausting one with her on Saturday. I live for Sunday.
I'm 50 and this is aging me like you wouldn't believe. I think I am in a small minority of people here and hope it doesn't anger people, but this disease can't move fast enough. I've been dealing with it 10 years in one way or another and I'm beat. I want my life back.

Okay, whine off. I'll go clean up the kitchen. Later.............

The New William's Future Step Daughter.

Beginning · 04-27-2008, 04:53 PM

I understand completely. I was in my late 40s when DH was diagnosed, and I'm now in my mid-50s. The constant problem-solving and stress just never quits. Our family still has years of this ahead of us, and it seems like an eternity. I sometimes think that by the time I get a life back, it will be time to die myself. Then I read one of Martha's postings, and it gives me a little hope.

I agree with the posters who have said that this disease is worse than cancer. This just goes on, and on and on, dehumanizing our loved ones.

Martha H · 04-27-2008, 06:33 PM

I hear you loud and clear. This disease is hard to take. It brings out the best in us, and somethimes the worst. Once when I lived with Mom I had to go into the bedroom farthest away from the kitchen, where she had been acting particulary difficult, and scream. Yes - I yelled, "I can't do this! I can't take it any more!" I yelled and cried. I am sure people in the adjacent apartments heard me but I couldn't stop.

Later I went back to Mom and continued to converse as if nothing had happened.

I found life got way way easier when we didn't live together any more. Mom lived with my brother and SIL. They took her in (to save my sanity) for a few months, then she fell, broke a hip, and lived in a NH for the remaining 2 years of her long life (99). I also had that feeling that it cannot go fast enough - after they told us she was not processing food, not reacting to her heart meds, just wasting away - and yet that lasted from April to December of last year. Now, looking back, I am glad I had those few months - living far away I only visited her 2 or 3 times in that period, but now I am glad for the visits, however confused she was. Mom long ago forgot my dad. In her last stages she was a child and wanted her mother. When I mentioned my dad she said "who?"

It is hard, and you have every right to be frustrated at times. Try not to let it get you down. At least you don't have her 24/7.

Welcome to this place - I found a lot of help and support here.

Love,

Martha

mary09 · 04-27-2008, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beginning

I agree with the posters who have said that this disease is worse than cancer.

Hi Joy,
Welcome to the ALZ board.....you will find alot of support here, it is sad how many people are dealing with the same awful situation. I wish you much luck with your mother.....

The above statement I quoted just jumped out at me, as I see it often......
I come to this board in support of my 94 year old grandmother, who suffers from dementia. Who today has been screaming and sobbing all day, and yelling at the TV. I understand how horrible this illness is. I also in the last 5 years, have lost one uncle to a brain tumor, another to bowel cancer, and one a few weeks ago to lung cancer. I've had another uncle recovering from throat cancer, an aunt with lung cancer. My mother has gone through breast cancer twice, and we are anxiously awaiting results of a ********. Years ago, my aunt lost her 7 year old daughter to a brain tumor.
I just for some reason felt it necessary to remind everyone that illnesses are what they are, they are "all" frightening, scary, and all take away our loved ones. Cancer is still a very devastating illness, and it just jumps out at me to see things being described as "worse than cancer". If you've seen enough of it, believe me, it's just as bad. I wish I hadnt experienced so much that I could agree.....

Love, ****** xo

Gabriel · 04-28-2008, 12:39 AM

I would also like to welcome you to the board. The first time I heard the statement "ALZ is worse than cancer" was from my Mom not long after her diagnosis with ALZ. She had breast cancer and won that fight. She explained to me that with cancer there was some hope. ALZ is terminal... always! You know the ending when you begin.

You Mom may have just been having a bad day. She may be up when you visit and just missed the moment this time. She may be getting worse quicker as well. My Dad was stable for a long time but it seems that recently he has lost so much so quickly. You might also have your Mom checked for a urinary tract infection. It can definitely cause bizzare behavior quickly. Have the urinalysis done and see what happens next week.

I truly understand the frustrations with taking your Mom out of Assisted Living and into the real world. Mom wants to go out but when she is out her inabilities bother even her. Then she refuses to leave AL while complaining that she never goes out. I was with Mom several days this week. I took her "shopping". She wanted to buy a frozen pizza (she has no oven) and melted into a sobbing mess. She could not decide between two pairs of shoes. She wondered aimlessly most of the time. When we got back to the car she bashed the car door into the car beside us with the lady sitting in it. The lady was very nice about it even though she had a ding in her door and the force of the hit scared her. It was obvious that I has having difficulties with Mom. I went to Mom's favorite place to eat and she refused to get out of the car. I went in and got her sandwich. We went back to AL and she ate mine and hers. I went by to see her today and we went to ice cream sunday and she did well but I heard her telling another resident a confabulated story. Each day is different with that heart ripping progression downward.

I totally agree that this disease can not move fast enough. I have watched my Dad slip away with Vascular Dementia for years. The last few months has been dramatic and I see his health failing as well. My Mom cared for Dad for years as well as her Mom with ALZ. She watched her sister die of ALZ. This is her worst nightmare come true and she has been depressed and aggitated since she realized she had it. She will tell you, as she sobs, that this is no way to live. Because I love my parents I wish for their suffering to end.

I hate that you have to go through this with your Mom. Know that you are not alone. I have found sanity here among those that truly understand. I will keep you and your Mom in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, deb