HELP! Phone for Mother with short-term memory problems?! - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

maymay123 · 05-17-2008, 10:55 AM

My mother-in-law is driving the staff at her Assisted Living place crazy with her constant unrelenting phone calls. She has dementia. She has been in assisted living for the past 6 years.

Lately her short-term memory is getting very bad. She mixes up dates and times constantly and can't seem to fathom the passage of time properly.

She has a phone in her room (her own private phone). The problem is, she is CONSTANTLY calling the front desk of the Assisted Living place where she lives, trying to make sense of the daily schedule (various trips they take or things that happen on certain days). She just can't keep it straight. She writes it down and then gets confused and calls again and again. She is driving the people who work there crazy with her constant calling. And I mean constant. I'm not exaggerating when I say that she calls the front desk every 2 minutes. I'm serious. Every 2 minutes from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m. when she goes to bed. Every single day. I've been there and have seen it happen.

The people who work there have mentioned it to us, but in a very non-threatening way. We feel terrible about this and need to do something about it!

My mother-in-law is even calling the staff members at home at 4 a.m. There is one woman who works there and is available on-call. Her cell phone number is on her business card, and my mother-in-law has her card. She calls her at 4 a.m. almost every morning! The woman cannot shut off her cell phone because she is on-call. IMO, THAT IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!!!

If we take her phone totally away, it will upset her greatly. It will also make it harder (but not impossible) for *us* to reach her (we could have someone who works there relay a message to her, but as you know sometimes that doesn't work very well).

They mentioned to us that some of the residents there have a kids phone called Migo. It only has 3 buttons that you pre-program -- no dial pad. We could program the phone just to have our number, but not the number of the front desk at her place. She would have to go downstairs to the lobby to talk to them if she has a question.

The downside would be that she would call *us* every 2 minutes. If that became the case, we might have to take away the Migo phone and leave her without a phone. Or program the phone so that she can get incoming calls but not make any outgoing calls at all.

I'm very torn about what to do. I don't want to be cruel to her, but her constant calling has to stop. I asked the phone company if they can block the front desk's number from her phone but unfortunately because it is in the same "zone" they can't. And the front desk said that they cannot block HER number from THEIR phone because it is against the company's rules.

Does anyone have any ideas for me regarding how to handle this situation? Has anyone had success in a situation like this with the Migo phone or a similar phone?

thumbman · 05-17-2008, 11:02 AM

I am thinking yoga, and or meditation would help. If she can accept living in the now, then she will realize what ever happens can be fun, but I understand that the habits of planning may be something she can't stop.

I guess you have thought of taking the phone away. Just give her a pager where she can only use it in an emergency situation. But she may abuse it. Still a beep is better than the same old story.

maymay123 · 05-17-2008, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thumbman

I am thinking yoga, and or meditation would help. If she can accept living in the now, then she will realize what ever happens can be fun, but I understand that the habits of planning may be something she can't stop.

I guess you have thought of taking the phone away. Just give her a pager where she can only use it in an emergency situation. But she may abuse it. Still a beep is better than the same old story.

She has no concept of "living in the now" and never will. That is dementia and mental illness. She has no concept of time or place anymore.

A pager would probably be too complicated for her to use, but thanks for the idea!

Martha H · 05-17-2008, 02:33 PM

When you are dealing with a victim of Alzheimers, you have to use a lot of imagination and little white lies. My suggestion would be the kind of telephone connection my Mom had at her nursing home - she could receive calls, but not make any. If she picks up the phone and dials, nothing happens. When she complains, "sorry --- it is broken; they are working on it". Soon she will forget all about it. In her last few months Mom never picked up the phone. If it rang she looked at it curiously as if to say, "I wonder what that thing is, making that noise", but had no recollection that it was an instrument of communication.

I am surprised that the AL staff has not already made sure she gets a disabled phone , one that does not work, or one only for incoming calls. It is not necessary for her to call anybody. If there is an emergency she surely has a push button to get help. She will also forget how to use that - but by then assisted living is too little help, she will need to be in a NH with 24/7 supervision. Pretty soon the whole phoning mania will be forgotten.

Because of setting fires and burning pots, many people here had to disable their AD loved one's stove. Because of driving irresponsibly they had to disable their cars. Always a cheerful, upbeat answer to all complaints: "we are working on it; it will be fixed soon.'' No long drawn out explanations. Obviously she cannot use a pager for emergencies --- since every 2 minutes she thinks she DOES have an emergency. This disease takes a lot of coping skills. You have always looked up to and respected her, now you have to put her off like a little child. But you MUST do it, for your own sanity and that of the staff.

Good luck!

Martha

Gabriel · 05-17-2008, 03:32 PM

Have you tried getting her one of the new atomic clocks? They are relatively large, hang on the wall, and not only have the time but the day and date on them. We hung it where Mom and Dad can both see it from their chairs and it has done well helping them keep up with the time, day, and date. There was not a learning curve with this clock. The information is displayed right in front of their faces.

They also have a wall calendar, where they can see it, with all the activities they want to attend.

We have the opposite problem with the phone. Mom can not figure out how to call the desk and can never remember to dial "9" for an outside line to make other phone calls. We finally just put a 9 in front of all the family numbers for her so she will call one of us when she calls anybody.... which is rare.

Your best bet is at least temporarily to have an incoming call only phone. I will probably frustrate her for a while but eventually be forgotten as Martha said.

Question, do they come get her for activities or is it up to her to get there? You might ask that she be called in time to make it to activities.

Hope something works and good luck.

Love, deb