feeling a little scared... - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

jagsmu · 05-22-2008, 02:40 PM

yes I guess scared is the best way to say it.... over the last year as my moms Alzheimers progress little by little I have been spending more time at my parents house, I now spend two days (an overnighter).... summer is coming and my job has changed.... I run a bakery durning the summer months, may until sept..... I am two ferry rides away from my parents. I have discussed this with my dad about not being able to come once a week but every other week!!! this is the first week I have missed in year.... I am feeling scared and guilty about missing my overnighter thing... I so much want to go over but work restricts me.... I know that I have done everything in the way of landscapers, housecleaners to help around the house. but I keep thinking that perhaps it isn't enough..Will they phone if they need help? Will they eat properly? will they, will they, will they..... on and on it goes...My biggest concern is will my dad be okay without the break.....will he tell me if it is to much..... I sererioulsy don't think so....I think I will call my brother and TELL him to get down for a visit this weekend, he is only 3 hours drive away and my dad loves it when he visits. okay so I answered my own question about what to do... thanks for listening, sometimes it take writing things down to see the light at the end of the tunnel...... thanks for this venue and being here....

So here I am after talking to my brother and I am crying because he can't come down as he and his wife are booking into some recreational outing this weekend.....he said if I had given him some notice, that calling with this short of notice he just couldn't SCEDULE it in..... oh god am I mad..... why do I bother is beyond me!!!!! and now I feel guilty for even asking him cause it may have upset their plans. when will I learn ..... go figure......

DrewsG · 05-22-2008, 04:58 PM

I'm so sorry that anyone has to go through these uncertain times with our loved ones. Believe me when I say you can't do it all. I have tried and it just makes you crazy. For years I have worried and cried and it does not help at all. Well, I take that back sometimes crying makes me feel better. But then I just look terrible. LOL
You must try not to feel guilty. People told me that and it just didn't register. Guilty is my middle name. Just do the best you can and don't try to be superwoman. The "what ifs" will drive you nuts. I've taken care of Gram until she passed at 97 and now Mom for the last, I don't even know how many years. I'm getting older and I finally realise that I just do the best I can and pray that its enough.
I really do understand how you feel. We have all been there. And its a terrible feeling. When you do ask for help, help doesn't come. Sometimes its more than I can take.
Just try not to be so hard on yourself. Try not to worry. It really does work out in the end.
Chris

Martha H · 05-22-2008, 05:51 PM

Guilt makes it all ever so much worse. I had to go to a therapist for 2 years after I left my mother in the care of my brother, and soon after that in a NH. It took me 2 years longer to find out that promises such as "I will stay with you until you die" can be re-interpreted when the circumstances change. I would have done so IF Mom had some disease where she was still halfway rational. What I really MEANT when I made that promise was, "I will do anything in my strength and power to get you the best possible help." The best possible help turned out to be a nursing home, and before that, my brother and SIl's care so I could recover. I had made myself sick for over 5 years, with worry, fear and guilt, lack of sleep, etc. I had heart irregularities, high blood pressure, acid reflux, dizziness, suicidal thoughts. I was a mess.

Don't do that to yourself!

Love,

Martha

Janie5301 · 05-22-2008, 06:31 PM

Is there anyone else who can help you take care of your Mom? Friends, relatives someone closer to them than you? You need some help and you cannot do it all. Check with your parents church or social services in their area or maybe getting a daily caregiver to help out. I know when my DH was diagnosed I checked into adult caregiving at the local ALZ association as well as through friends who had caregivers for their loved ones. Guilt is the one thing that will take you down and we've all been there. If you can find someone who you can check in with daily it will help take some of the burden off of you so you can have some kind of life.

Good luck,
Janie

sunnydaze1 · 05-22-2008, 07:52 PM

I "ditto" everyone that has responded here. I did try to be "superwoman" and found myself with high anxiety, high blood pressure, and numerous other things to deal with because I didn't ask for help.

My thought was that it's very obvious I need some sort of help, and I don't want to ask. Well, sometimes, siblings don't realize the stress YOU are under and all that YOU are doing because they are not there when all of this began.

I'm now getting the help I need only because I really poured my heart out to one brother who relayed to the next. There is still a lot of work involved when it comes to my mom, who is in a NH now, but at least I'm not going it alone.

Best of luck, and when someone asks what they can do to help...tell them!

As far as guilt...I just got rid of it this week. My mom wondered where her mother was and asked if she was gone. I told her she was up in Heaven. She died about 30 years ago. My mom is living in the past...I'm still in the present and dealing with selling the home Dad built. The house is empty and needs a loving family..not my little glimmer of hope that Mom will get better and come home. It isn't going to happen. Guilt is something I rid myself of yesterday. It was good for me to see how far gone Mom really is. As sad as it is with her condition, at least I know that selling her house isn't even crossing her mind...at all.