I need opinions, please.... - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

skimps46 · 05-28-2008, 07:41 AM

Good morning all!

Daddy is kinda holding his own, with the expected slow slide downhill. He has his "good" days, and his "bad" days with yesterday being a bad day. He does not remember his children's names, including mine some of the time. He was nearly non-verbal yesterday, and spent most of the day sleeping. He still eats when I put food in front of him, but does not recognize "hungry" or "full", so he just eats it all, and waits for the next time.

Here's where I need an opinion. I can't sleep well because I am so worried about this. I am all dad has. I am striking out big time with the in home care people - between them being icky and dad being beligerent, so far, no go. And that is a huge problem because our daughter just "gifted" us with a non-refundable 4 day vacation to Las Vegas. For me, DH, 12 yr old son and herself. Said she thinks I need to get away from the constant caretaking (2 years now!), and 4 days will be good for all of us. No question. It will. Four days by the pool will be utopia.

One of our neighbors is a 30 yr old mom of 3, and dad likes her. She is willing to take care of him for the 4 days for a few bucks, I will spend a couple of days teaching her what I do and when I do it, and it sounds like a plan to me. But...

Am I totally remiss in going on this little vacation? Am I being neglectful? She won't do things the way I do them, and may not know how to communicate with him the way I do. He will be very worried as to where I am.

Who do I hurt? My daughter (tell her to just eat the $1000 she has paid for this vacation) and family (you should see the 12 yr old - he is so excited for time with all of us), my DH (who just lights up at the thought of time with me) or my dad (who could die or something while I am gone)?

Y'all are so smart, and experienced. Help me?

...deb

gardenandcats · 05-28-2008, 08:07 AM

Go you and your family do need a break. as long as your sure he will be well taken care of by your neighbor then do go..

Gabriel · 05-28-2008, 08:16 AM

Let's do a little reversal here. You are the one that needs constant care and your Dad has been by your side for as long as you can remember. You know your Dad is exhausted and he has the opportunity to go away for a few days. He has arranged care you for. What would you wish for him? Why treat yourself any different than you do others?

You have a neighbor that is willing to help. Obviously she sees your need and is willing to step up and do what she can. No, she will not do it just like you but she will do it. Yes, something might happen while you are gone but it might happen while you are there as well.

Is it selfish to take a few days for yourself and your own family? Is your family not worthy of four days of your undivided attention? Your husband has been patient with you and you need to spend time with him. Your daughter was kind enough to know you needed a break and make it possible. Follow the wisdom of that child. Your son needs a break from the stress created by you caring for your father. Most of all you deserve a few days of pampering so you can come back home and do an even better job of caring for your Dad because you are rested.

It is amazing how we wrap ourselves in "what if's" and guilt to the point we are cemented in one spot. I think you would be totally remiss and neglectful if you don't go on this little vacation. In the long run it is not going to hurt your dad by you being gone for four days. Things will be a little different for him the days you are gone but that is not hurting him. You are not leaving him alone to fend for himself. If you don't go it will hurt your daughter, your son, your hubby, and yourself. You can't foresee the future. If something should happen while you are gone then it happens and you deal with it when you return. You can't spend your life frozen in time and place waiting for the next disaster to drop on your head. That is not living. So go live a little!!

Love, deb

Raffeer · 05-28-2008, 09:58 AM

As usual Deb hits the nail on the head. GO!

ibake&pray · 05-28-2008, 10:47 AM

deb,

What you need to remember is that your dad has also lost track of time. You yourself said that he just sits and waits for the next meal time. For all he knows, you may only be gone for a breakfast and lunch! His concept of time is not what you have so why not go?

Remember how I told you you are the center of the merry go round? Are you going to let the center let go by being so eghausted that you can't hang opn any more? Are you going to let the light in your son's eyes dim because you feel so irreplacable that you can't let anyone help you? Are you going to deny your hubby the joy of holding your hand and snuggling (or maybe something more) with you? DEB_WAKE UP!!! You need to let someone help you. Your neighbor needs the few bucks cash..and your dad will be OK with her. and you need to get away.

the world will be refreshed and new. Your dad will make it, your daughter will be blessed, your son will be overjoyed, your hubby will be married again and your family will be a family again.,....what a treat! Now, say yes to your family, tell your dad you love him, leave every phone number that you can think of on every wall that your neighbor can see and get out of there. GOODBYE!!!