What to do...what to do - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

meg1230 · 05-28-2008, 05:37 PM

My step dad died 6 months ago. He was my dear mom's caregiver and tried hard to deny that there was a problem. Mom (stage 5) has a paranoia of people stealing her things...me in particular. She didn't talk to me for a year and a half because of it and my step dad aided her in that, thinking he just wanted to keep her happy at anyone's expense. So, of course, after he died she became the responsibility of the rest of the family...me in particular and within a month's time..at the urging of her neurologist, we moved her from her home to a safe place for her to live...luckily she can afford a very nice independent living arrangement that has nursing staff plus staff that keeps an eye out on their residents...she has her own small apartment and is doing okay at the moment living on her own with me, my grown son and husband checking in daily by calling her and taking her out to dinners and shopping on weekends.

Understandably, she is not at all happy that she has lost use of her car and the loss of her husband and home..all within a few month's time. She can be mean and ugly and other times as sweet as can be.

Now, the problem...I talked about this on a different post but thought I should start a new one to see if any of you have any suggestions for how I should handle the newest problem. This past Monday she accused me of stealing papers from her apartment...why, in fact, she says she even saw me take them! Of course I didn't...but now she doesn't want to talk to me AGAIN. I can't let that happen ..not like the last time...so, I have called her everyday since Monday and kept the conversation very light and short and she is very cool with me...should I just let her be for a few days or should I try to keep the lines of communication open..not sure what to do. She'll speak to the rest of the family as though there is no problem but with me...cold. How have any of you handled these types of situations?
My brother lives in California and is as much help as he can possibly be while living on the opposite coast. Everyone is supportive but I am the main one to handle her and her situation.
By the way, we went up there and found all the things she thought were missing ..things she had hidden herself. But none of that mattered to her, oy.
So...
Thoughts? Suggestions? Good stiff drinks to try?

Thanks, Meg

Martha H · 05-28-2008, 06:24 PM

Accusing people of stealing, taking or hiding things is so typical for Dementia that anyone who knows she has it will not believe a thing she says. My brother's MIL used to hide her social security checks under the carpet, then accuse the neighbors of stealing them -- then get her daughter to call SS and get duplicate checks sent, over and over, for years and years. When they finally moved her to a NH, dozens of invalidated checks were found under that rug...

People laugh, and think it is amusing. But not those who live with it.

Good luck! chin up! you can manage, you will survive.

Love,

Martha

Gabriel · 05-28-2008, 07:46 PM

Keep the lines of communication open. Stay positive and don't argue. Usually as the papers or whatever it is reappears she will tend to forget until the next episode. They forget, we don't. It is typical for them to hide or throw out things and forget where they are. They don't even remember having them so they are sure somebody else does it. You are the chosen one to blame. My mom blames my dad. I realized when working in LTC that they tend to blame the one they are closest too. You are always there so it must have been you. There is not much you can do about it except help find whatever it is, replace it, or find a creative way to get past the crisis of the moment. Ice cream is the diversion of choice with my parents. You might want to be sure that any important papers are duplicated and you keep the original and give her copies. Then if she loses something you can replace it and the originals are safe. I have actually changed Mom and Dad's address on anything that might ever be important to my address. That way I get all that I need and I send them copies, duplicates, or insignificate information. I gradually took over all the bill playing, financials, insurance, and other important functions. Mom swore she could do it at first but now she never mentions it. Try to not take her rantings personally. It is her frustrations with the disease that is aggitating her.

Love, deb

meg1230 · 05-29-2008, 05:39 AM

Thank you Deb and Martha for the kind and informative words.

I keep telling myself it is the disease talking but when it comes from her face it sure is difficult.

Believe me, I am trying. Real hard. I'm exhausted and broken hearted as all of you are but we will trudge through. Hah, what's our choice.

Yes, we have taken over all of her bills, etc. and all of the essentials are mailed to my son who has taken over the financial end of her care. I know that I am so fortunate to be working with a team of people...my son, my husband and from a distance, my brother and his wife. I can't imagine how difficult it is for those who have it all on their shoulders alone.

My husband talked to her last night on the phone..he put her on speaker and I said nothing..she sounds like a wonderfully normal person while talking to him...completely different from the woman I deal with.

I am going to continue to read all of the advice on these boards and take in as much as I can. I love the treating them as "toddler" idea...since I work directly with toddlers I can relate to that...let's hope I can keep my cool...for the most part I do..I have only lost my temper three times in 7 or 8 years since this began. You would think not too bad but I sure do remember evey one of those times.

Again, thanks for being there for me and every one else looking for answers. I hope I will be able to be of help to others in some way too.
Meg

sunnydaze1 · 05-29-2008, 07:28 AM

I can relate how you feel Meg. I, being my mother's only daughter, has bared the brunt of her hostility at times. She'd swear at me; tell my brothers that she can't believe her daughter has put her "in this place" (the nursing home).

I really don't take it to heart, because it's not my mom talking, it's the disease. She's been better lately, but if something aggravates her, she's quick to snap...like even the mention of eating in the dining room at the facility. For some reason, she can turn on a dime into a nasty mode when that is even brought up. So she eats in her room and it seems to keep her disposition stable.

I've found that if I rub her back and speak softly to her, she seems to calm down when she's upset about something. I always assure her that she's always on my mind and that the main thing is that she is safe and given the care that I can't give her any longer.

Yesterday, we celebrated her 80th birthday at the facility. It went as well as expected, but as my brother and I walked her down the hall to the conference room for her small party (only 6 people) she got it in her head she was heading for the dining room and then the wall came up. Brother and I assured we were only going to a small room for her party and then she relaxed.

After we got her back to her room, she wouldn't sit down...kept saying, "I thought we were going home!" Told her that maybe later, but not right now. She still wouldn't sit and I'm holding onto her in fear she's going to fall...as she keeps falling down at least once every two weeks over there, so I said, "Mom, please sit down, I'm getting so tired here trying to hang onto you and I don't think I can anymore." She sat down immediately. All I can figure is that I acted like I was the one that needed help so she complied. I really was okay, but I was out of ideas as to how to get her to sit.

As far as losing things...mom has lost her upper partial yet again..she thinks someone took it on her, not me, but thinks the aides must have put it somewhere. When in all actuality, she probably wrapped it up in a napkin and tossed it, or left it in a pocket, or who knows. She doesn't realize that she's the one who misplaced it.

So, I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I know how much it hurts when you feel she's blaming you for things, but it's probably because she loves you the most. Try not to let it get to you; keep visiting; and I often change the subject if I see she's getting agitated about something.

Hang in there and know that if your mom was in her right mind, I'm sure she'd never dream of hurting you.

Best of luck.