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Old 06-17-2008, 09:21 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2008
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Just when you think it can't get worse

I want to start by thanking everyone on this board when I 1st came on here a couple of weeks ago. I'm the one that my Dad had a mini stroke, but while he was in the hospital for a week, my Mom came to stay w/ us & we realized just how bad her Alzheimer's has gotten. My Dad had been covering up big time. Well we convinced my Dad that he needs to sell his home & move closer to us & maybe mom should be put in an AL facility. This was all fine until 5/31 my 17 year old nephew was tragically killed in a car accident. He was riding his bike & hit from behind & died at the scene. It has hit my parents so hard, my Mom does understand what happened & she is almost more with it right now. So, my Dad agrees to move closer, but now wants to take care of my mom again, he said there is no way she is going into a facility. The loss of his grandson is too much & he said he can't have his wife taken as well. So, I will have them closer, so I can help, but will have to continue to worry about my Dad's health. I guess there is nothing I can do at this time to change his mind. This has just been a banner year for me so far. Thanks to all who have given me such good advice the past several weeks. Lainie

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Old 06-17-2008, 11:53 PM   #2
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Re: Just when you think it can't get worse

Lainie, I was so very sorry to read about your nephew and the grief you and your family are dealing with. The lost of a child is so very difficult. Your father's need to keep his wife close to him at this time is understandable.

Just a suggestion. If your Mom and Dad are moving closer to you anyway, is it possible for them to move into an assisted living facility together. There would be help there when he needed it and it would take some of the pressure off of you. Meals would be provided, activities they could enjoy, medication would be administered to them, your Mom and Dad's health could be monitored, and so many other services. That is what we did with my parents. They just moved into a two person apartment. There are several other couples there that are mixed ALZ and non ALZ. It's worth investigating and considering.

Again, I send you my sympathy, condolances, and a warm hug. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, deb

Last edited by Gabriel; 06-17-2008 at 11:55 PM.

Old 06-18-2008, 03:21 AM   #3
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Re: Just when you think it can't get worse

Dear Lainie,

I too am sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your nephew, your parents' grandson. I can also understand how they need to be together at such a time. However, being together in an assisted living home is surely better than all by themselves. Try to get them into such a palce. There they can remain for many years instead of having to move her again when she gets worse, which is inevitable.

My sympathy to your whole family.


Old 06-18-2008, 06:45 AM   #4
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Re: Just when you think it can't get worse

Dear Lanie,
You have my sincere sympathy. A loss of a nephew must be terrible. Your poor parents. I can't imagine losing a Grandson. What a tragedy for your entire family.
My Mom is in a AL facility. She loves it. There are couples there also. She would not even discuss giving up her "freedom" as she called it. I can only go with my experience with AL but its been a God sent to all of us. My Mom has been there for about 14 months now and its "home" to her. I spent yesterday with her and we sat outside with dozens of residents. I ask all of them during our outing how they liked it there. They all said it was wonderful. One lady said she just knew her father wouldn't live much longer when she left him there. Now he is doing better than he has in years. Maybe if they could visit one they would feel better about moving there. We did this with Mom. Spent the day there......Twice. After a coulple of weeks she couldn't remember what it looked like. People have the mind set that its a NH. Its not. I truly don't know where she would be now if we had not moved her when we did. I do know that by now I would be locked up somewhere. LOL Just my two cents. But moving your Mom twice, when the need for more care is there, is going to be worse for her. Your Dad would have the help he needs. I understand they want to be together. Of course they do.....
Again, you have my deepest sympathy.
Good Luck to you and your parents. Its all so hard isn't it?? Decisions, I mean.

Old 06-18-2008, 09:19 AM   #5
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Re: Just when you think it can't get worse

Hi & thanks everyone. I think moving my mom once would be better for her too. My dad's take on it is to move closer to us so "she can get used to it" he says, then move her at a later time. He truly does not understand this disease. Maybe I will check into the AL for both of them. My dad is 80, but seems & acts much younger. So I need to find a place that is suitable & can fulfill both of their needs. I'll start looking into it without them knowing for now, then, I agree if they see it, they'll realize that these places are really nice, not what they are thinking in their minds. Thanks All.

Old 06-18-2008, 12:13 PM   #6
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Re: Just when you think it can't get worse

I wish I had been able to convince my step dad to move with mom into a place that could have cared for them both before he died so she would have gotten used to it before he died...since he didn't agree with us, after he died, she had to go alone..she has been there for only 4 months so far..some days she loves it, other days not so much. It would have been so much easier to have made the transitional move with him instead of without him. He also covered up how bad she had gotten. They don't understand what is happening and they just want to protect them.
My step dad, on his death bed, made me promise to not put mom in an asylum. He thought she had gone crazy. He didn't understand AZ...not that we do, but at least we know there is still a bit of quality of life left for them. Moving mom to the place she lives now is the best thing we could have done for her. People her own age, meals, entertainment, transportation when she needs it...she may not always know that is the best thing for her but we do.

And I am so sorry about your loss.
Hang on.


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