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Old 07-08-2008, 08:14 PM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: nj
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GodSaveHer HB User
Please help me!

Hi everyone i am new here. I am 24. My mom is 54 and has frontal lobe dementia. its been 5 years since her diagnosis. it wasnt so bad at first. but caring for her myself became really difficult. 3 years ago the family decided to put her in assistant living. she has been depressed since then. i feel so guilty and that im a terrible daughter that i cant take care of her on my own and still manage two jobs.
last week she spent a week in the hospital. she has gotten to the point where she doesnt want to go to the bathroom and she holds it. so she had severe pain from constipation.
on sunday we had a family event, and the whole time there she just cried and said "i want to die" over and over again. I feel like she doesnt care for me at all anymore :*( she pushed me away from her and cursed at me. I love my mom we have always been really close. i am so depressed, i cry everyday. the assisted living place are now kicking her out because she has been causing them "trouble" and me and my sister are desperately trying to find a transitional unit. its terrible i know its painful for my mom. she was a high school teacher for 26 years and now this?
she is really far gone i can only pray for a miracle- im just crying non stop right now i cant handle it. i am really questioning my faith now.

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Old 07-08-2008, 11:07 PM   #2
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Re: Please help me!

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. What you are dealing with is the disease that has taken over your Mom. That is not your Mom but an imposter. If your Mom did not have this disease she would not be this way and you understand that.

Many with dementia suffer from depression as well. They have been given a disagnosis for which there is not cure of hope. Their world is turned upside down and they do not understand what is happening. They react the best way they know how. The first thing you need to do is talk to your Mom's doctor. There are anitdepression and antianxiety medications that can help your Mom. She does not have to be zonked out but they will help her function more calmly. I might be necessary to consult with a geriatric psychiatrist to get her medication adjusted especially if she is having suicidal thoughts. It is not drugging your Mom but helping her.

You might discuss with the AL an alternate plan including a visit to a geriatric psychiatrist to control her anxiety and depression. It is worth a try. If not good luck in your search. Just remember that your Mom's reaction to you is not from her heart..... it is from her disease.

Love, deb

Old 07-08-2008, 11:15 PM   #3
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Marina77 HB User
Re: Please help me!

Deb, that's absolutely right; talk to Mom's doctor.
I know one lady who was so much better when she took her prescribed Ativan; it was like night and day. I'm sorry your family is enduring this trial.

Old 07-09-2008, 03:30 AM   #4
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Location: Ohio, USA
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Janie5301 HB User
Re: Please help me!

My DH also had frontal lobe dementia also known as Picks and was diagnosed at 52 and lasted about 5 years before he passed in May. I too am so sorry for what you are going through and know how hard it can be. Deb is right when she said it's the disease talking and not your Mom. I also tried to have my DH's medication adjusted but for him, it was just too late. He didn't get mean but anxiety was his downfall and he became very anxious at the end and I tried to find a med that would help him. There are meds out there that can help so I wish you good luck and talk to your Mom's neurologist to see if there is something that can be done for her and look for a NH that specializes in dementia patients so they can help her adjust.

Love and prayers,

Old 07-09-2008, 03:35 AM   #5
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Re: Please help me!

Dear Deb,

I am so sorry that you are going through this at such a young age.

PLEASE do not feel guilty because your Mom had to go to AL instead of you being the around the clock caregiver. I did that for my Mom for 5 years and I know exactly how hard it was, and I was only holding down one job (plus her!)

It is likely that your mother needs more and better care than an assisted living facility can provide, and would be better off and happier in a nursing home. See if her doctor can recommend a place. Or if the AL can.

Family visits should be held at the place where she lives, one or two visitors at a time. Taking her out to a large family gathering is too hard on her, no wonder she cried the whole time. She feels out of place in a room full of strangers all expecting something from her that she cannot give, whether it is converstion, answers to such questions as ''do you remember when ..." (she can't) and expectations of love and concern she cannot give ... I would cry too. At her new placement (I hope it is a good NH like my Mom had) she will be less unhappy because she will have everything done for her. Even deciding what to wear became an impossible task for my Mom, she could not fathom what was expected of her.

Think of it not as a deterioration but as a move to a better environment. Above all, stop kicking yourself for doing what was right for her all along.


Last edited by Martha H; 07-09-2008 at 03:36 AM.

Old 07-09-2008, 09:45 AM   #6
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: nj
Posts: 2
GodSaveHer HB User
Re: Please help me!

thanks for everyones help. Currently my mom is on seven different medications. i am going to contact my sister to ask which exact ones she is on an i will post them here. i will go to speak with the doctor and inquire about ativan. thank you again. i am wondering if there is a local support group i can join. i just want the crying and suicidal stuff to stop it hurts me so bad!!!!

Old 07-09-2008, 11:08 AM   #7
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Re: Please help me!

Check with your local Alzheimer Association. They should have a support group that you can attend with people that are going through exactly what you are. And keep typing here.

Good luck....

love, deb

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