I didn’t make it there in time yesterday. The nurse told me that she was taking her final breaths and I may not make it there in time. I promised I would be there with her when she danced her way to heaven but, she had no family there, just nurses.
I am her granddaughter, 23, and her care taker for the last two years. Although she never knew my name, she did recognize my face. I know that she is no longer in pain and she was in her eighties but I kind of feel like I’ve lost a child. I have tried to prepare myself for this for a while but I’m having no time to grieve as I have very little help from family with the funeral arraignments. I’m finding myself very angry because I feel helpless. I’ve always knew how to help and comfort her but this time there was noting that I could do. I feel numb and will scream if another person tells me that their sorry for my lose. I don’t want to talk to anybody in my family as I fear that I will loose my temper as none of them has been active in her life the last couple of years. Why do they care now?
I’m exhausted but can not sleep without a couple doses of night –quil. It’s over but I am having a very hard time excepting it I guess.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
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Time does not heal. It simply provides distraction.
JulJul...I love that you called your grandma "Grammy"! My 2 adult children call my Mom that too! (there are 19 grandchildren...only mine call her this)
When my mom became a victim of this horrendous disease 10 years ago... my prayer was to take her gently...then I realized just how selfish my prayer was. There is so much I'm learning in this process...about myself, and others...and often the actions and reactions of siblings leave much to be desired! Your Grammy was so fortunate to have YOU in her life!
I know exactly what you mean that she "recognized your face"...my Mom hasn't known me for over 5 years...but knows I'm there to visit her.
I know it's so difficult to watch someone you love suffer....but it sure doesn't make loosing them any easier.........I'm glad you shared this with all of us..........Pam
Last edited by petal*pusher; 07-11-2008 at 09:14 AM.
Reason: sp
I am so very sorry Jul. All that you are feeling is absolutely normal. There is no way to truly prepare yourself for losing your grandmother. She is no longer in her pain and misery but you will miss her. You are still in shock and have lost a huge part of your life that you have invested much of your love, time, and energy into. Yet you know there is nothing you can do about the past. What other family members have done or not done for your grandmother is for them to live with. You know what you have done and are doing for your grandmother. So do not waste your energies on anger or resentment. You have proven the ability to rise above the selfishness of others and you will do it once again. Once the funeral is over it will be time for you to find your own life again. You can not change others. You can only change your reaction to their actions. So focus on yourself and getting yourself through the next few days. Cling to those around you that support you and know the others are only reacting out of their own guilt and ignorance. Again... I am truly sorry for you loss and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
It is a terrible thing to lose a loved one ... My Mom died just after Christmas 2007 - and in many ways I am still not over it. She was my best friend until Dementia took her mind. You will be OK. Accept all your feelings, and do realize that people mean well when they try to say they understand, even if they don't ...
I sat with my mother the last four days of her life until her angels pulled her up to heaven when she decided that she was finally ready to leave-when she decided that we had remember our manners and said our please and thank yous to her. But hon- even then I wasn't ready to let go of my mamma. I thought I was, and I told her it was OK to go and to leave this horrid disease behind and to join daddy who had died 5 weeks earlier-that was why she truly left us. But I wasn't. And I'm still not ready and I don't know when I will be.
I feel like the child in bed with her teddy hoping if I lay real still the boggy man under the bed won't come out before my mom comes home and kisses me good night. I don't want to be alone in the dark good night. I still want to be someone's daughter. And I'm still angry that she had to die.Mamma died 1 Nov of last year. So don't push yourself and don't worry. Bury your Grammy as you wish and mourn as you need to. Come here and we will offer our shoulders for you to weep on. Honor your Grammy as you choose to and that will help with the horrid ache. Don't beat yourself up-she wouldn't want that.
Peace be with you....
Jul,
Hugs to you, I remember talking with you about your Grammy. My grandmother has dementia also. Deb is so right about your family.....I too have so much bitterness and anger for my family who have abandoned my grandmother, but I'm trying to let it go, so that it doesnt consume me. At the end of all of this, take comfort that your grandmother knew how much you loved her, and what a blessing you were to each other. God bless you for taking care of her and for loving her. Keep her in your heart, and as you move forward you know she will be happy for you to live your life in full.
God bless!!!
Love, Caroline
Nothing I can add that hasn't already been said but I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts too..
For now, just put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving til you get everything done that you need to.
We are all walking down this same road .. some at the end and some, like me, are wandering somewhere in the middle.
We can only learn from each other and lean on one another.
Hang on. Your Grammy left you with the strength you'll need.
I lost my Gram to this disease also. She was 97. Even if you weren't there she saw your face. I truly believe those we love pass away knowing that we love them. My poor Gram was unable to speak in the end except cry for her Mom. It was my privledge to hold her hand.
She knew in her soul, you loved her.
I know you will miss her. I still miss my Grandma very much.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping everything goes well for you.
With sincere sympathy, Chris
Jul,
Know that your Grammy is in a safe and happy place and that's she well again and loves you very much. For the person you are and how much you loved her and took care of her. Try to let go of the resentment for those who didn't get it and know that you spent lots of wonderful hours with your sweet Grammy. I lost my sweet DH to this horrible disease last May and I'm just starting to grieve so take the time that you need for you.
