Deb, I don't mean to talk unkindly about your sisters but good grief..how many times do they have to be hit in the head with a board before they figure it out???
It happened to us one time..Memorial Day, when we brought mom to my house and the scenario was JUST like the one you explained.
Ranting. Raving. Tears. I was the one who was accused of stealing. She wanted to go HOME...which is across the street from mine.
When I told her neurologist about what happened he explained it as a psychological break. He said she can't understand in her mind why she can't go to her "home" and for us to not expect it of her. It was a god awful day and it took us a week to get her back to some normalcy. "Normalcy", a funny word for me to even type.
Since then we don't even drive her anywhere near the vicinity of my neighborhood. We drive way out of the way to just avoid stirring things up in her mind.
I'm so glad you got a break enjoying some time away and so glad you didn't have to experience the ugly stuff first hand.
Meg, you didn't say anything that I have not said myself. I truly wonder when they will "get it". I just hope the fall out is over before I get there Wednesday. I don't want this to sound mean or uncaring because it is just the opposite.... but there are days I think it would be better if Mom remembered less. That is not for me but for Mom. I hate the turmoil Mom is going through right now.... and what she puts Dad though..... even if they do forget.
You are right Martha. It is those of us that deal with the melt downs that are left with the memories. Mom is hard to divert. One of the things the psychologist told us was that Mom gets stuck and is totally unable to change her focus. It is like somebody super glued one thought in her head. She will grab on to one event and repeat it over and over and over again. You can talk about 40 things and between every one she will go back to whatever is in her mind. As long as it is not going home it is good!!! If she is stuck on going home then hang on to your hats because you are going for a ride. This is the third identical episode.... of of three trips. So perhaps they have learned. Who knows.....
That sound so hard! Luckily my Mom was easy to distract! It is no wonder you hope she will soon remember less.
The worst for me was during the time I was still trying to ''make her understand" --- not knowing it was impossible. Talk about insanity - that is, trying the same old things that didn't work before, over and over again! I was doing that.
I am pretty sure your sisters did learn something from this experience, but some, like me, are slow learners! (in spite of having been a teacher!)
Deb..our mom is the same way in that she is like a pit bull with a rag...just won't let go of it! With her it has been who is stealing her pictures and why can't she take her own meds without someone else handing them to her..the worse being the pictures..we always ALWAYS come back to it...my brother described it perfectly when he said it is like her mind runs on a loop...eventually it all comes around again...over and over and over. .
Meg, EXACTLY!!! It can be so frustrating. Most conversations ends up going right back to her going home, the van not being where they are, us taking her things without permission, or how it is all Dad's fault. "You would be crazy too if you had to stay with your Dad the way he is." uhhhhh Mom.... are are worse than he is!!! ::shaking head::: His memory is worse but his temperment is definitely better. Dad's dementia has been a cake walk compared to Mom's.
Our mom was like that with our poor step dad before he died last November.
(before he knew her diagnosis he thought he was in a living hell and wanted to just die..but then he found out and tried his best to care for her..a sweet story with a sad ending)
Now that he is gone she speaks of him as if he were the second coming...they were together for 37 years and she misses him terribly. She, of course, doesn't remember any of the mean things she would say to him. Thankfully.
Mom and Dad have been married 58 years. Their's is a love story punctuated by dementia. Dad worships the ground Mom walks on and all he wants is for her to be happy. He tells her and anybody who will listen how beautiful and wonderful she is. She complains about him constantly. Even though she complains constantly about having to put up with him when we discussed them living separately she threw the biggest fit of them all. We have a sitter coming in three days a week so Mom can get out of the room without worrying about Dad but she rarely leaves. The only time she will willingly leaves him is if one of us girls are with him. It is her duty to watch him until he dies.... and aggrivate him. Dad handles it fairly well.... and what aggrivates him is quickly forgotten. She has to really push all of his buttons to get him riled up but when he is... watch out! It's like two vipers locked in a jar.
Sometimes I wonder why I was blessed with two parents with dementia at the same time!?!?
In spite of it all, look how much we have done..we have them diagnosed and placed in a safe living arrangement. Exhale>>>>>
I remember before that was done and the nightmare it all was...just thinking of doing it!
I try not to think too much about what still lies ahead...like when will she forget me
or when will she need a walker or a wheel chair or be bedridden, etc. etc.
So I guess we should count our blessings, pat ourselves and each other on the back for all we have accomplished for them and keep moving forward.
Here is a funny story (not the subject but her response to it)
She was talking about the day my father died..she said he sat up, looked at her and smiled, then fell over. Dead of a heart attack at age 46....then she said my step dad died. So she declared..
"I'm not having another husband!! They just die on me"
::laughing:: You know Meg.... Your Mom might just be right there!! Two is enough
You are so right. Here, as with you, we are much better off then we were and know where we are going. We don't have a time line but that is ok. One day at a time. :: putting on my superwoman cape::: Ok.... so it's just a towel but that's ok... A towel and you great people are enough
You sound refreshed...my guess is that the side of the hill is devoid of weeds and you are much refreshed! <<chuckle>> Guess the sisters numbered 2 & 4 left you alone this weekend after all? We sound in need of towels-you had better order more in some bright colors I think...how I mourn for my mother this itme of year, when it's time to can and to make jams and preserves..I can remember when we used to get a gross of corn on the cobb, fresh from the farm...144 ears to shuck, blanch, cut of the cob, freeze or freeze on the cob...ah, the days of normalacy ....gotta go ladiesthere is no place for tears here, they short out the 'puters.
We definitely have that memory in common IBake. But Dad didn't stop with 144 ears..... he brought the pick up truck bed full. We never did manage to count it. Butter beans or tomatoes by the bushel. You can always come to my house. I have about 3 bushels of tomatoes in my kitchen right now to do something with. I do miss doing it with Mom and Dad.
My last memory was just last July with my Dad. We had a few hundred ears of corn to put up. Mom was being Mom, complaining and finding anything else to do because she truly didn't know how to do what she had done all her life. My dad stood at the sink all day silking corn for me. He kept putting it in the blanced corn that was cooling but I could easily slip it out and into the water bath without him knowing. It was less than a month before they ended up in AL.
I am better IBake. It was a blessed retreat from what has become all too normal. My sister had no choice but to leave me alone. They had been prewarned that I would be out of touch and I left my cell phone in the cabin! I made sure when the towels were ordered we got purple and red ones. We will hand them out in twos for the commanding princesses!
:::Passing my best towel to IBake:::: The memories are good. That is a bless. Cry in the towel and don't short out the computer.... you are needed here
Just a quick update. Sister 4 took Mom and Dad out to lunch today and then to the grocery store. Mom was fine for several days... until they left the facility and she melted into tears once again and cried all the way thought lunch. So Sister 4 finally talked to the doctor.... and she even mentioned my Namenda question. The doctor did validate that Mom's episodes could be a side effect. She wants to up her depression medication once again and if that doesn't help then lower her Namenda dosage to see if that will help. Sister 4 let the doctor know her feelings (not to change the Namenda) but the doctor did validate my suspecious by suggesting a reduction in the dosage after they dry the new depression medication dosage.
When I talked to Mom tonight to remind her that I would be there tomorrow to see her and dad she said that she was just discussing with Dad that he probably didn't want to go home because all of their good stuff was gone. I just said.... Yep, and most of it is right there with you. She said not all and I responded.... no, some is at our houses for safe keeping. I ask if there was anything we had that she wanted there. Of course she couldn't think of a thing so she said..... I know who has my stuff. Then I went back to talking about the dinning room floor being redone at the facility. It was obvious that she was upset but I kept the conversation light and kept telling her I would be there tomorrow. Who knows what I will walk into tomorrow. She might be find or she might melt down...... such is life
You will do fine. We are all lining up right next to you rather than behind you..sort of a united front. I think that that is the best way. Towels stretched tight, hand to hand to make a wall around your parents to keep them safe and you out of it and sane.
Surely as oldest you have "rights." And in my book, they count the most. Frnakly, you are the most stable near as I can tell. If you were to step back and let go of the towel, I think the tower of babel would fall and there would be crises that would rival WWII. Why not just pull rank. But then I see you as a peace keeper of the family.
You are right that your mother would be happier if she remembered less. She would have less angst in her life and it would be calmer for all involved. And your dad would be better also.
I know that Mom had her major-send-to-the pysch-hospital-for-two-weeks-when they had uppered Namenda and her Seroquil. SHe was pulling people out of bed, hitting people, yelling, cursing[. And My MOTHER NEVER CURSED!!!!! So I would push the doctor about it. I wonder if it isn't more of a curse than a help/COLOR]