Hi, been away on a family holiday. Then up to Edinburgh to look after mum again. My brother doesn't want to put her into a N/H now. She was very down in the mouth last week. I hardly raised a titter from her. Normally I can make her laugh. She threatened to strike me a few times. Especially when the occupational therapist came to visit. We are considering modifying the bathroom into a wet-room. She seemed to be really aware this week. Every time I spoke to her or asked her a question she grugingly responded. Normally I encourgage her to list the days of the week/months of the yeat/count to twenty - she'll do it. This time she just said quite agressively "I can't be bothered" I spent quite a lot of the time feeling helpless. My brother said I've just got to put up with it like he does, but I'm not him. On getting home at the end of my stay, my husband was at a loss (understandably) on how to comfort me. One of my mother's neighbours was hanging out her laundry to dry when I was doing a little gardening. She caught me crying. She told me to go home earlier. I couldn't though. I feel emotionally drained. I feel really inadequate after this visit. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. I've missed visiting the sight, and glad to be back. Thanks for all your responses. xxxxxx
I remember the feeling. I was always down and depressed after visiting Mom. Each time (I went about 4x a year for a week, after she was in the nursing home) I saw a LOT of deterioration, and it was always very sad.
Just allow yourself to feel these things. We all start mourning for our loved one long before they actually pass away. We mourn for the "old Mom" the way she used to be and is now gone .... I well understand how you feel.
My mom seems to getting more and more feeble lately, though we still take her out and do things with her..but I find she waits for my husband now so she can hold his hand when she walks...she used to grumble at the idea of using her cane but now it is always in her hand.
It made me think that I see this as it happens but my brother who only sees her occasonally, since he lives out in L.A., will find it hard to see her like this ...for me it is a gradual progression, but for him I understand it will be much more difficult..I try to tell him things as they happen but I know until he sees with his own eyes it won't sink in as much.
Reading what you two have to say will help me understand my brother better and his needs next time he sees our mom.
My first advice mental is don't worry about the list or days, months, or numbers. Reality orientation doesn't work. Mom's response was her cover because she's losing those details. Just enjoy the moments that you have. Slip into her world and find a reason to smile and laugh. I have found that when I have no expectations it goes much better. My daughter, my Mom, and I enjoyed going through her scrap book and photo album the last time we were there. My daughter's boyfriend caught a great photograph of the moment and I will cherish it.
I see Mom and Dad every two to three weeks and sometimes I am amazed at the changes I see when I return. You are right Meg, even when told it's hard to visualize the reality until you see it with your own eyes... and sometimes it can be shocking. Nothing to do but go with the flow.