I need your advice. My DH is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with during his meltdowns. They occur at least once a day and he's not easily distracted from the current subject matter. It's usually aimed at me and the fact that I'm now running things. Ninety percent of the time he's docile but the other ten percent is a living hell. What's the breaking point for a care giver?
We are seeing his doctor today and maybe will adjust some of his meds. He's not sleeping through the night and keeps waking me. This morning as soon as I got up, he demanded breakfast and since I wasn't awake asked him to wait a bit since it was 5:15 a.m. Well at that he blew a gasket! I fed him and now he's still ranting. He can be distracted by an outsider but that's impossible when it's that early.
Time for putting him in a home?? Any response will be gratefully received.
Last edited by Carolch1660; 08-19-2008 at 04:17 AM.
I would definitely check with the Dr about a med change or possibly an increase. My DH never exhibited any anger towards me so I'm at a loss there but how far into the disease is he? As far as your breaking point as a caregiver it's whenever you need a break. Everyone is different and I'm throwing you a towel girlfriend. Have you checked into a demential facility in your area? My DH lasted about 5 years with Pick's and I kept him home until he passed last May. Please take care of yourself and talk with the Dr today about some alternatives. Keep posting so we know how you're doing.
Good luck & God bless...I'll be praying for you.
Also, if you feel at all uncomfortable with your hubbies outbursts, and feel that they are getting to the point that you cannot handle them, then it may be time to consider a NH. If you cannot contriol them and him, it may be time to consider some place that is safer for him and for you. Your safety and his a paramount for everyone. You don't want him or you to get hurt. And if you are frightened or aprehensive about his outbursts......
Go and ask the doctor to adjust his meds to help control the anger, but keep in mind that you may be facing a lifestyle move here.
You are in our prayers....and we are all holding on to the other end of that towel....
Hi Carol, I feel your pain. I have found that when you start questioning when is it time to do something else............Its already time. When my Grandpa was getting hard to deal with my Grandma took it far longer than she should have. Grandpa passed away very quickly one morning and it was decided for her. She told me later that she was at the end of her rope when he passed. I can only tell you what my husband and I have told each other. When and if it becomes too much for one of us..............put us somewhere and don't feel guilty. Visit often, care for one another, but just "do it". I know it sounds easy saying it. Doing it is quite another thing. Isn't it? We have been married for 43 years. I won't be afraid of him.
Thinking of you,
You ask "when's the breaking point for a caregiver?". It took me almost ten years of being my husband's caretaker before realizing that I wasn't superlady and placing him in an ALF where he is getting far better care than I was able to give.
It sounds like the time has come for you to look at this option.
My breaking point came when I began to feel that MY life was over. Working, caring for Mom, no time for myself, no social life, no friends, not even time to go to the dentist (still suffering from the results of those years of self neglect) and just the feeling that all I would ever do forever and ever was take care of this very elderly and helpless person who used to be my Mom and is now an imposter in her body. An imposter who defecated on the bathroom floor and then walked in it and tracked it all over the house. An imposter who woke me up at 2 AM and tried to throw me out of her house. (where I had lived for 5 years!) An imposter who climbed up on a kitchen chair, a stepstool, and several magazines, to get at a medicine bag that held many pills she was not able to take properly - her own pills were all laid out on the table for her, but she forgot. An imposter who left the apartment in New York City and walked down the street in a thin nightgown - in November - with me runnning after her dressed only in a bathrobe ----
My brother took pity on me and he and his wonderful wife agreed to take Mom in to live with them. That only lasted 3 months, when Mom fell and broke her hip, leading directly to hospital - rehabilitaion - life long nursing home.
All of us were flabbergasted to find, after all that suffering and hopelessness, that Mom lit up in the NH and became happier than she had been for many years.
I wish I had managed to convince the other family members to place her there long before, a year, or even 2 years before she got so very 'bad,'...
But hindsight is always so clear.
My opinion - the time to place him is when you can't stand your life any more, or sooner!
Each has their own breaking point but you usually realize it long after you reach it. If you are questioning your ability to deal with his outburst then it is probably past time to do something. Med changes may help, but if they don't then you need to do what is best for you and for your husband.
I have the same situation with My Mom. She finally had the mega melt down and physically hit the sitter twice. That was what put her in assisted living. Verbage was one thing but physical is something different. Don't let it come to that point with you. I wish we hadn't waited and made the move before we did.
Be honest with the doctor and make sure he is hearing what you say. I will keep you and your hubby in my thoughts and prayers......
Ma'm I'm way too new here to have much wisdom. This I do know. Five years ago my husband had a months long bout with encephalitis. The symptoms of his brain swelling had to be similar to AZD. I am resourceful, and physically larger and stronger than he. I could neither control him nor keep him safe. This was a hard lesson for me in that I realized that no matter my good intentions, willingness to sacrifice, or determination, I could not care for him. Thankfully our problem was temporary. I know you love your husband, but there are things that no amount of love will enable you to do. If you can't care for him at home, send him where he needs to be. And realize your choice is a loving one, not one you should be guilty about.