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Old 08-20-2008, 05:40 PM   #16
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

A come to jesus meeting is like a revival. You don't stop talking until you get your point across. You have to punch through the denial, bear the soul, and don't give up until the recepient relents. I did raise one stubborn daughter! Then you have to back up what you say. If I start talking about my sisters she will look at her watch and when 5 minutes are up she will simplys say... Time's up!! If I go back to it later she glares at me and tells me I used my time for the day already. It didn't take long before we were both laughing about it.

So when you go to Niagra tell your Mom that you are there for fun and relaxation. Tell her she has XX amount of time to say all she needs to say about her family and then no more talk of the family chaos is allowed and hold her to it. It will do you all good. The next day she can have another talk session for a limited time and then it's over for the day. That gives time to vent but don't make the focus of the day on the troubles.

Have fun on the trip.....

Love, deb

Last edited by Gabriel; 08-20-2008 at 05:42 PM.

 
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Old 08-20-2008, 05:48 PM   #17
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

You know what Deb, I'm going to try this on Friday......and I will let you know how it works out. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!

 
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Old 08-20-2008, 08:46 PM   #18
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

Fingers crossed, carsam. Prayers said. Confidence fully in place.

You know, carsam, I have discovered something. Now, I don't know much. Not much at all about this horrible disease. I go hour by hour like the rest of you. But I got 40 kinds of fed up with dad's kibitzing about MY family about a year ago. He hated my 12 yr old son - for absolutely no reason, had no use for my husband....yadda yadda yadda. I listened until i finally just got plain ole' mad.

And mid rant, I said to him, quietly but firmly, "That's quite enough." He stopped and looked at me. I looked back, steadily. Unwaveringly. He said, "What?" I said, "I said, that will be quite enough."


Carsam, he shut up. And has not mentioned it again.

Worth a try.

...little deb

 
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Old 08-20-2008, 09:04 PM   #19
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

Adding to that, Lil Deb , is a most valuable lesson I learned here and that is that they are like toddlers. We don't give my mom more info than she can haandle and we don't let her get away with bad behavior.
If she gets out of hand, all my husband has to say sometimes is,
Behave yourself.

Meg

 
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Old 08-21-2008, 07:06 AM   #20
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

I do remember when we were moving Mom and Dad to AL. Mom had "run the sitter off" and was so proud of herself. She kept telling the story of "telling her to leave". In fact she hit the sitter. At the same time Mom was railing about the necessity of the move because of what Dad did or didn't do. She was truly upsetting my dad. It was heartbreaking for him. I finally had enough and said so. Every time Mom would start on either subject I would say.... ENOUGH MOM, STOP! It was not long before she stopped talking about either subject.... in my presence. Other times it has not worked as well but it's definitely worth a try....

Love, deb

 
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Old 08-21-2008, 08:22 AM   #21
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

You know ladies, this is very interesting what your saying..........
As you know my uncle is mostly with my grandma, and she can honestly sit and cry for hours...I've heard it over the phone. Now, my one other uncle who still will come sometimes and help out a bit, treats her very differently than the uncle who cares for her every day. When she starts to do the sobbing thing, he puts his finger up to her, and says "Okay, dont start this, enough now, you're at home and you're safe, so there is no need to do this"....and do you know what? She stops!!! This has to be the same thing as what you're all talking about right? It tells me there is still some of my grandmothers old tricks in how she manipulates the one son, but knows she cant get away with it with the other. In this respect, despite the illness, I know it's there of course, but I do believe she still can "play" my uncle a bit.
If he was firmer with her, it would be more helpful to both of them....
Why do they do this? It seems very common....

Caroline xo

 
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Old 08-21-2008, 08:53 AM   #22
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

And Caroline...
Yet another piece of advice-Tell your Mom that you love her dearly, but it is time to "let it go and let God."

I have a saying on my credenza at work.....
There are alot more crazy peoope out there than our mothers told us there were. We don't need to participate in their craziness. We can recognize craziness for what it is...and move on...

It's time to move on. And yes, Come to Jesus meetings mean that your Momma sits down and she doesn't get to talk until you are finished, and even then it is just to say OK. And my boys just hate when we have those meetings...But they have a time and place. And I do agree with Deb that I think you have reached a time and it's the place and both you and your Mom will be better for it... Your Mom needs to realise that she has been using you for her emotional garbage can for far too long and it needs to quit. It isn't right that as an adult she has treated her child like that..not good. It is not your job as a child or a daughter to have to absorb it-whether it has been by choice or not. enough said.

Now them as one of those grandmothers.......rest well, we do so want a good healthy joyful baby.....bless you dear one. But what is the name of the big brother?

Last edited by ibake&pray; 08-21-2008 at 08:56 AM.

 
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Old 08-21-2008, 10:36 AM   #23
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

Dear Ibake....
Yes, you are right...this has been going on far too long. I feel partly responsible for allowing it......but I think I will start first with myself, and trying not to get so upset about things. I have a better chance of changing myself.....as I cant do anything about my mom, she has to do that for herself.
I believe she is going to call my uncle today...not sure how it will go, she is still very angry........I told her I understood but she needs to choose between her anger and her ability to know how her mother is doing. Not easy but this is the case now.
Big brother's name is "Nicholas".........
I am at work but trying to take it easy as I had a little spotting last night,so I'm feeling a bit anxious today. Hopefully all my surrogate grandmas can say a little prayer for me that everything is okay........

Love, Caroline xo

 
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Old 08-21-2008, 10:48 AM   #24
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

Praying hard, carsam. Praying ever so hard for you and your baby.

You speak the truth. You must change yourself. I tell my son that you can never change what anyone else says, does, feels or thinks. You can only change yourself.

Wise advice. I needed to hear that.

Prayerfully,
...little deb

 
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Old 08-21-2008, 11:18 AM   #25
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

Thank you so much little Deb......you are all so good to me!!!!

Caroline xo

 
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Old 08-21-2008, 12:29 PM   #26
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

Caroline, if that sweet bundle is half as strong as you are, he/she will be just fine. But I'm sending you love and LOTS of prayers your way and try to keep your feet up if you can.

Love,
Janie

 
Old 08-21-2008, 01:21 PM   #27
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

It is true Carsam that you can't change anybody but yourself but you can teach people how to treat you. They can only do to you what you allow them to do. That is part of fixing yourself.... not allowing people to use or abuse you. That is what I have had to do with my sister. I can't change her but I can set boundaries and limits as to what I will allow in my life. You don't have to become part of the craziness. It is amazing how wonderful life is when you let the crazies be crazy without you

Take it easy and try to reduce your stress. Check in with your OBGYN and follow his advice. You will be ok. This other grandmother has you both in my prayers.

Love, deb

 
Old 08-21-2008, 05:58 PM   #28
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

Janie...thanks for your wishes.....I dont feel very strong, quite the opposite. But maybe I'm tougher than I think eh?

Deb....I knew another lovely lady over on the Depression Board who used to try and teach me about "boundaries"....god bless her. I never quite managed it, but now you are using the same words, there must be something to it....and I have to try it, I have to.

I called my doctor and she has told me not to worry, the spotting is very normal, just to keep an eye on it and get some rest, so I feel a little better tonight, also knowing all of you are saying your special prayers for me helps so much, thank you.

Well ladies, I've taken up some of your advice, and I urged my mom to call my uncle and speak with him, and she did it. It wasnt a hostile call today but it was very "cold"......she's going to call one more time tomorrow to try and offer one more time to come and help and it will be up to him. I did manage to talk to her and tell her that if it doesnt work out, she has to let things go, and trust that he will continue to care for grandma, and that she needs to accept that she's done all she can, and turn her attentions to her own health and to her own family. I told her she needs some peace and that we do as well. I told her I need her to be around for when my children grow up. And I told her tomorrow we are going away for the day, and no matter what happens on this phone call, we are not going to speak of it the rest of the day, because we deserve a day of peace. This is my starting point, and I thank each and every one of you, you've all given me this.....I always knew what I needed to do it.....but at this time, especially since you all know so much about this illness, your advice is so valuable to me. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I will check in tomorrow night and hopefully report that I am feeling well both physically and mentally.....

I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow....
Love, Caroline xo

 
Old 08-21-2008, 06:23 PM   #29
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

Dear Caroline.

You go girl! You have taken the first step. That is the biggest and the hardest. Each one after this is easy. See how easy it was when you have a whole bunch of pushy broads standing with towels -make sure you get the colors right- thretening to snap you with them....actually I think there is a rule about snapping pregnant moms with the towels isn't there Deb? Standing by you nunding you on? And I bet it felt good to say it also. Now you just need to keep re inforcing it. Your Mom will stray into the "forbidden" territory because that has been her focus for so long, but with work you will get it worked out to how you want.

You are such an amazing daughter. I only wish I would have been blessed with a daughter as caring and special as you. You have shouldered so much burden for so long. You so deserve a star in your crown. I hope your day tomorrow is wonderful and filled with laughter and fun and good memories.

We are all holding tight to towels surrounding you to keep you safe my dear.

Last edited by ibake&pray; 08-21-2008 at 06:48 PM.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 06:31 PM   #30
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Re: Dear ladies, I need a sympathetic ear.......

Caroline -

You know how people can say stuff to you, and you listen, and then silently, maybe even unconciously say, "Well, that's not for ME, surely!"

Here is something that one of these incredible people said to me many moons ago, and I filed it away: Imagine if the very worst thing in the world happened and you died. A car accident. Sudden and unexpected, but quite final. Now. What would happen to the person you are writing about?

In my case, daddy would go to a home, which is coming anyway. In your case, uncle would still care for grandma.

The point is, even though we take all this on our shoulders - often to the point of breaking down - the fact of the matter is that the loved one would STILL BE TAKEN CARE OF. One way or another, and probably well.

So let's not wait until something happens to US, ok? (Deb - how about this new found maturity on my part, huh? And ibake - see? The wounds are healing...) You take care of YOU, your wonderful family, Nicholas, the new baby (Joy!)...but most of all...YOU! I am waving a Purple Rally Towel for you, Caroline!!!! Go forth and ENJOY!!!

Remember: 98% of everything we worry about never happens. The other 2% we couldn't do anything about anyways.

Have a terrific kind of day, Caroline. My prayers go with you...

...little deb

 
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