You know ladies, this is very interesting what your saying..........
As you know my uncle is mostly with my grandma, and she can honestly sit and cry for hours...I've heard it over the phone. Now, my one other uncle who still will come sometimes and help out a bit, treats her very differently than the uncle who cares for her every day. When she starts to do the sobbing thing, he puts his finger up to her, and says "Okay, dont start this, enough now, you're at home and you're safe, so there is no need to do this"....and do you know what? She stops!!! This has to be the same thing as what you're all talking about right? It tells me there is still some of my grandmothers old tricks in how she manipulates the one son, but knows she cant get away with it with the other. In this respect, despite the illness, I know it's there of course, but I do believe she still can "play" my uncle a bit.
If he was firmer with her, it would be more helpful to both of them....
Why do they do this? It seems very common....
Caroline xo
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And Caroline...
Yet another piece of advice-Tell your Mom that you love her dearly, but it is time to "let it go and let God."
I have a saying on my credenza at work.....
There are alot more crazy peoope out there than our mothers told us there were. We don't need to participate in their craziness. We can recognize craziness for what it is...and move on...
It's time to move on. And yes, Come to Jesus meetings mean that your Momma sits down and she doesn't get to talk until you are finished, and even then it is just to say OK. And my boys just hate when we have those meetings...But they have a time and place. And I do agree with Deb that I think you have reached a time and it's the place and both you and your Mom will be better for it... Your Mom needs to realise that she has been using you for her emotional garbage can for far too long and it needs to quit. It isn't right that as an adult she has treated her child like that..not good. It is not your job as a child or a daughter to have to absorb it-whether it has been by choice or not. enough said.
Now them as one of those grandmothers.......rest well, we do so want a good healthy joyful baby.....bless you dear one. But what is the name of the big brother?
Last edited by ibake&pray; 08-21-2008 at 08:56 AM.
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Dear Ibake....
Yes, you are right...this has been going on far too long. I feel partly responsible for allowing it......but I think I will start first with myself, and trying not to get so upset about things. I have a better chance of changing myself.....as I cant do anything about my mom, she has to do that for herself.
I believe she is going to call my uncle today...not sure how it will go, she is still very angry........I told her I understood but she needs to choose between her anger and her ability to know how her mother is doing. Not easy but this is the case now.
Big brother's name is "Nicholas".........
I am at work but trying to take it easy as I had a little spotting last night,so I'm feeling a bit anxious today. Hopefully all my surrogate grandmas can say a little prayer for me that everything is okay........
Love, Caroline xo
The following user gives a hug of support to mary09: luyingjie (01-24-2012)
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Praying hard, carsam. Praying ever so hard for you and your baby.
You speak the truth. You must change yourself. I tell my son that you can never change what anyone else says, does, feels or thinks. You can only change yourself.
Wise advice. I needed to hear that.
Prayerfully,
...little deb
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Caroline, if that sweet bundle is half as strong as you are, he/she will be just fine. But I'm sending you love and LOTS of prayers your way and try to keep your feet up if you can.
It is true Carsam that you can't change anybody but yourself but you can teach people how to treat you. They can only do to you what you allow them to do. That is part of fixing yourself.... not allowing people to use or abuse you. That is what I have had to do with my sister. I can't change her but I can set boundaries and limits as to what I will allow in my life. You don't have to become part of the craziness. It is amazing how wonderful life is when you let the crazies be crazy without you
Take it easy and try to reduce your stress. Check in with your OBGYN and follow his advice. You will be ok. This other grandmother has you both in my prayers.
Janie...thanks for your wishes.....I dont feel very strong, quite the opposite. But maybe I'm tougher than I think eh?
Deb....I knew another lovely lady over on the Depression Board who used to try and teach me about "boundaries"....god bless her. I never quite managed it, but now you are using the same words, there must be something to it....and I have to try it, I have to.
I called my doctor and she has told me not to worry, the spotting is very normal, just to keep an eye on it and get some rest, so I feel a little better tonight, also knowing all of you are saying your special prayers for me helps so much, thank you.
Well ladies, I've taken up some of your advice, and I urged my mom to call my uncle and speak with him, and she did it. It wasnt a hostile call today but it was very "cold"......she's going to call one more time tomorrow to try and offer one more time to come and help and it will be up to him. I did manage to talk to her and tell her that if it doesnt work out, she has to let things go, and trust that he will continue to care for grandma, and that she needs to accept that she's done all she can, and turn her attentions to her own health and to her own family. I told her she needs some peace and that we do as well. I told her I need her to be around for when my children grow up. And I told her tomorrow we are going away for the day, and no matter what happens on this phone call, we are not going to speak of it the rest of the day, because we deserve a day of peace. This is my starting point, and I thank each and every one of you, you've all given me this.....I always knew what I needed to do it.....but at this time, especially since you all know so much about this illness, your advice is so valuable to me. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I will check in tomorrow night and hopefully report that I am feeling well both physically and mentally.....
I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow....
Love, Caroline xo
You go girl! You have taken the first step. That is the biggest and the hardest. Each one after this is easy. See how easy it was when you have a whole bunch of pushy broads standing with towels -make sure you get the colors right- thretening to snap you with them....actually I think there is a rule about snapping pregnant moms with the towels isn't there Deb? Standing by you nunding you on? And I bet it felt good to say it also. Now you just need to keep re inforcing it. Your Mom will stray into the "forbidden" territory because that has been her focus for so long, but with work you will get it worked out to how you want.
You are such an amazing daughter. I only wish I would have been blessed with a daughter as caring and special as you. You have shouldered so much burden for so long. You so deserve a star in your crown. I hope your day tomorrow is wonderful and filled with laughter and fun and good memories.
We are all holding tight to towels surrounding you to keep you safe my dear.
Last edited by ibake&pray; 08-21-2008 at 06:48 PM.
You know how people can say stuff to you, and you listen, and then silently, maybe even unconciously say, "Well, that's not for ME, surely!"
Here is something that one of these incredible people said to me many moons ago, and I filed it away: Imagine if the very worst thing in the world happened and you died. A car accident. Sudden and unexpected, but quite final. Now. What would happen to the person you are writing about?
In my case, daddy would go to a home, which is coming anyway. In your case, uncle would still care for grandma.
The point is, even though we take all this on our shoulders - often to the point of breaking down - the fact of the matter is that the loved one would STILL BE TAKEN CARE OF. One way or another, and probably well.
So let's not wait until something happens to US, ok? (Deb - how about this new found maturity on my part, huh? And ibake - see? The wounds are healing...) You take care of YOU, your wonderful family, Nicholas, the new baby (Joy!)...but most of all...YOU! I am waving a Purple Rally Towel for you, Caroline!!!! Go forth and ENJOY!!!
Remember: 98% of everything we worry about never happens. The other 2% we couldn't do anything about anyways.
Have a terrific kind of day, Caroline. My prayers go with you...
Have towels will travel! And conquer! And take NO prisoners or bull****.
My bible study group and I were talking the other day, and I became aware of just how POWERFUL women are. We can move mountains.
And since we have a new shipment of purple and red towels, and we have all pulled up our big girl panties, and are standing strong with fists clenched, there is NOTHING we can't do!
Everyone - grab a new towel. I'll run over and grab a few pounds of rocks from dad's house. Who has the markers? Pass 'em out.
And let's just go get 'em. All the disinterested siblings, the doctors that don't give a damn, the insurance companies that are full of no help, and the family members that not only don't "get it", but think we are not doing the very very best we can do.
Helen Reddy said it best: "I am woman, hear me roar."
You are such an amazing daughter. I only wish I would have been blessed with a daughter as caring and special as you. You have shouldered so much burden for so long. You so deserve a star in your crown. I hope your day tomorrow is wonderful and filled with laughter and fun and good memories.
We are all holding tight to towels surrounding you to keep you safe my dear.
Dear Ibake,
Thank you so much for saying this.....what I wouldnt give to hear those words from my own mother......
I really appreciate your support....
Caroline xo
Here is something that one of these incredible people said to me many moons ago, and I filed it away: Imagine if the very worst thing in the world happened and you died. A car accident. Sudden and unexpected, but quite final. Now. What would happen to the person you are writing about?
...little deb
Little deb.....I've been thinking of this today, you are so right.....my uncle would go on caring for my grandma, just the same as he is now.......made me think about all the days in between now I could just spend wallowing in this.....
Sometimes you just need to put a different perspective on things.....thank you!!!
Well ladies,
I have to first off say you are the most beautiful bunch of "pushy broads" I've ever come across.....I wish I could invite you all over for a coffee!!!
So my day turned out lets say "so so".....
This morning was very tense again before we left on our day trip. I even gave my mom my cell phone so she could try calling my uncle from the car. But she got very upset and told me to go and just enjoy myself without her and my dad. So off we went, Nicholas, my husband and I. I was upset....that we took time off work for this day, to enjoy with them, and this whole thing has come first yet again. I knew I would go along with the day but it would be weighing on me the whole time.
I dont know whether it was "guilt" or perhaps she may have actually "listened" to me yesterday, but either way, she called on the phone, and said she changed her mind, and would meet us there.
So when they got there, she wasnt by any means happy to be there, but she went and called my uncle. Today, there was no "tone" in his voice, because my grandmother was busy screaming in the background, and I guess, rather than be angry, he must have just been overwhelmed by the sound of another voice to talk to. He wasnt angry today, and they talked. By no means was it friendly, but I guess my grandmothers condition today took over the conversation. The rest of the day she basically "forced" herself to go through.....what do I think of that? Should she not have gone? Should she just have stayed home? I'm too tired to figure it out anymore..... But right now, I believe I'm going to be booking these tickets for her to go there next month. She said she is going to use this time to see her mom, and get some closure as she will make this her last visit. My grandmother is having diarrhea constantly, her body really seems to be shutting down. I dont know ladies how close this is......but I guess my mom has to be the one to decide this.
Have any of your loved ones had this problem near the end? Is this a sign? Or could it just be old age?
On a more positive note, thank you for your prayers dearest friends, as I've had no spotting today.....and physically I am feeling well.
Ladies, my family has disappeared for a long time now....but you all have in the last day or so made me feel like part of something again. I have missed that, and I dont think you could know what it means to me...
I hope you are all doing well today....
Love, Caroline xo
Your mother tried and that is the first step. She realised that you have set new boundaries and are starting a new life and she is afraid that you are going to hold her to that and she made the effort to come along. It's a start. You have to applaund her for that. It will take time and more like two steps forward and one step back before you the new dance down, but you will get there. Just keep those blinders in place and keep moving forward. We are sooo proud of what you have done. It took alot of courage to do this and I know how hard it was. I am so proud of you, A big star for you to wear today! Or you can have a new towel if you would prefer.....
With your grandmother, it's hard to tell. She could last a month, two months, or she could pass next week. If this bout of the runs continues for a period of time unabated, I would suggest that you Mom not wait too long because dehydration will take her quicker than anything else. Then your Mom will have no closurer and you don't need to deal with that also. Don't tarry too long in booking those tickets in other words.
Now, pamper yourself and Nicholas and your hubby this weekend. Leave your mother to your dad amd enjoy being a family of three and almost, and know that you are watched over by a group of pushy broads who would protect you to the ends of the earth. What you did yesterday was nothing short of grand my dear....
Last edited by ibake&pray; 08-23-2008 at 04:55 AM.
Dearest Ibake....
Thank you for your encouragement.......it is good to hear an objective opinion because I never feel I handle things right.......There were some good moments yesterday...mostly coming from watching my 4 year old son cheating while playing mini-golf. But the "tone" was there throughout the day. I guess I should look at the big picture that I did get her to choose some "time" with me, whether or not it was out of guilt....but she did do it. And as soon as I saw her, I walked up and told her I was really glad she came. She also managed to speak to my uncle which although she's still unhappy with him for the things he said, I think she's relieved that she will not lose contact with whats happening with my grandma.
So last night I booked her flight, it leaves on September 7th, in 2 weeks. She was going to wait till today in case my grandmother sounds worse. I told her just book it last night in case there was a chance the seats would be all booked this morning, and if my grandmother gets really bad, then she just pays the fee to go a few days early. It is better to be safe than sorry when the flight is this close.
I hear you with the dehydration....my uncle was for a long time giving her mango juice because it's one of the few things she still enjoys...but has stopped now as it is almost like a natural laxative. So things must not be looking very good. I will say though that you just "never know" with this illness.....a bad picture has been painted several times before and she has come out of it.
But since mom is going there in 2 weeks, I hope she'll spend the time she needs with my grandma and in her mind, do it as if its her last visit, so that she says and does what she needs to with her.
I have to tell you I'm getting very attached to my new family here......it is so nice to be a part of your relationships here.....
Honey, don't second guess yourself. You did just fine. You do what you do at the time,,and you let the rest go. God tells you what is right for the moment and we let the rest fall to the way side. Your problem is that you have been carry around all of this becaue you thought it was your job to hang onto all of it for your Mom and to carry her burdens and guilt.
But you know what? Just like you empty Nicholas's poclet before you wash his pants...you've emptied your pockets of your mother's brudens and sewed them shut, and there is no more room for them any more....
Keep moving forward on that path and don't glance back-not that you can see anything because we are all standing behind you to helpshore you up should you stumble..... Have a relaxing weekend dear! take a nap
Have a relaxing weekend dear! take a nap 
