I found a place for mom, its a AL for dementia and ALZ from little help to end of live care. It is a 5 woman house in the country with a locked outside area. Mom says she doesnt like it yet Im told by staff that she is adjusting well so far. Someone sat down with her for 15 mins and had a calm, fairly coherent conversation with her. She does understant what is going on with her and thats its not anyones fault. Bad crappy things happen in life. She will still try to take it out on me though. Now that I know she understands it will be easier on me (sorta). Her fits of anger will still be hard to deal with but I know she knows its really not my fault and I will learn to not take it to heart.
I will only be able to post on the weekends, for now thats the only time Im going to be home. To many things to still take care of. Her house is in town and I live in the country. To many miles to drive everyday. My poor car woulnt be able to take it. Its old and tired.
I am so glad you found a place for your Mom Craft. Know you did the right thing for your Mom and for yourself. Be observant of how your Mom is dealing with life when she doesn't know you are watching. Drop by the dining room door at meal time and watch her. This will give you an indication of how she is reacting to the facility rather than how she is reacting to you.
Just recently there was a meeting with the case manager and social worker about my Mom's rants. Amazingly, she does better when we are not there. She stuggles to get in the social flow but is not terribly upset by it. When we arrive she thinks she can convince us to take her home and when it doesn't happen she gets frustrated. All of her melt downs in the last few weeks have been when one of us took her out of the facility or we were there. I am not going to stop seeing her but may cut it back a bit. We are discussing limiting her trip out of the facility, especially to a daughter's house.
Good luck with the car and your Mom.... remember..... you did the right thing
Craft, my hat is off to you. It must have been so very very hard. I am facing the same thing with daddy, and it's soooooo hard. You are more woman than I am - I haven't found a place for daddy yet. I'm looking. But I haven't secured it yet.
Deb, you spoke of the rants being most prevalant when you are there? Sounds like the "toddler" you reminded me that our demented loved ones are. Didn't we all have to peel a kid off our leg the first day of kindergarten?
Is it the same kind of thing, do ya' think? I know that when daddy goes an hour without seeing me, and hits me with, "Where been?" (he can't string togtether a FULL sentence, but I get it), he reminds me of a little child that has not seen mommy since breakfast.
I have attributed his gruffness to the "toddler" stage of life. And maybe, Craft, that is what mom is doing to. No way to know. But it's a thought.
It is fear of the unknown. What should be familiar is not so it's much the same. It's also clinging to those you have some memory of that will help you get what you want... even if it is irrational. The difference between the toddler and our loved ones is that toddlers figure it out. They learn. Our loved ones just keep forgetting.
I am so pleased that you found a place. Do they have medical that comes in and checks on the the residents? Is there a nurse on the staff? It sounds ideal for now. what a releif and load off of your shoulders. Know that you have done what needed to be done. Your mom is safe and taken care of and that is what is the most important.
Taking care of her house and cleaning it out can go in slow stages. Don't rush it and don't fuss. All in good time. Hang onto your towel We have the other end to make sure that we don't lose you, Your Mom will settle down in time or not. This isn't yours to worry about. Let it go dear. You have her safe. As she settles in she will adjust and it will be better...
There is CNA's on rotation with a RN that comes in once a week. There is awake nite time staff also. This place is nice. Its a house not a big AL place with loads of people. Its family run and they try to make the women feel like they are their moms.
It took quite a few phone calls to find this place. I was at my wits end when I called them, I almost fell over when they said they had room AND my mom could go there. So many places evaluated my mom but wouldnt take her for some reason.
So far my moms anger is only at me, she is doing real well when I'm not around. Shes eating, playing games, joking around and generaly happy. She angry that this has happen to her and needs someone to take it out on. Hopefully with time she will stop and our visits will become pleasant.
Hopefully with time she will stop and our visits will become pleasant.
You're right Craftlady...eventually she will accept this new place as her home...sure doesn't mean it's an easy adjustment for either of you though!
It took several months of "I-sure-wish-I-hadn't-visited" for ME to realize and accept the progression of this horrendous disease! Mom seemed to take most of her aggravation out on me (one of 6)...I remember crying all of that hour drive home each week. She's in her 10th year at this wonderful facility, and it's been quite a learning experience! She hasn't recognized me for quite a few years now...but she seems to realize I'm someone who loves her. There are visits that I cannot get any reaction at all...then, once in a while, she will lift her head and give me the most beautiful smile or stroke my hands with those little bony fingers....truly a gift!! None of my siblings make any attempt to visit her...and it's taken me quite a while to get past the resentment.
The AL my MIL was in for a few years (we lost her just before Christmas) was quite different than where my Mom is...but I had no voice in her placement. It was hard not to compare the care. My FIL is in a local medical care facility...also has Alzheimer's...and, again...the care is different. It's a wonderful facility, but just not as personal. I surely applaud those who are able to take care of their loved ones on their own...but the changes in their lives must be immense!
Yes...we all had regretful feelings after placing our loved ones...but after seeing the care by those trained and knowlegable in Alzheimer's, we knew this was the right decisions for us.
One more thing...I do find that other patients think I'm there to visit them also...and, to me this has become a bonus! As I sing to Mom...several others usually join in! ............Pam
Craft your visits will get better someday.
My mom took all of her aggressions out on me...she wouldn't even speak to me for over a year..I was crushed..how could a mother do that to her own child!?
My Sister In Law told me it would get better someday and that I would have my Saturday shopping partner back again.. I remember that day and told her NO...it would never change. But by gosh it did...she now lives in a facility and getting used to it and now she gets nervous if I am not in her sight when I am around.
I sure do wish I had all of you people when I was going through the worst of all that.
SO stick around Craft...you'll find we need you as much as you need us.
Thank you all for your support.
Im going though withdrawls this weekend. I havent talked to my mom in 3 days now. She used to call me up to 30 times in a day. So now that shes not calling it is weird. The home is helping with trying to break the obsession with calling me all the time. They hid the phone for now. I feel like I need to talk to her, yet I know it wouldnt not be a good thing right now.
I feel like Im neglecting her in some way. I know Im not, its just that Im her only child and I should be taking care of her. I know that I cant and that is why she is in this "home".
Life has taken so many changes lately, it will take time to get used to it.
There are always two sides. It appears you were as addicted to receiving her calls as she was to making them! I am not saying that in an ugly manner but a statement of fact that makes it easlier to work through. I was in your shoes as well. I also loaded on the guilt because I had somehow failed to do what I was supposed to do for Mom and Dad. I'm not sure what super woman I thought I was!! Now I know I would have failed Mom and Dad if I had not done what was right for them and place them in AL. My super woman complex (guilt) still strikes from time to time (especially when Mom is having her melt downs and begs to go home) but it gets easier with time. I am sure they are where they need to be.... no doubt at all. So hang in there. You have done a good thing for your Mom
I was always so worried when she didnt call. It did turn into some kind of addiction. Its just so quite around here, Im not used to it. My phone has only ran twice today. Its acually kinda refreshing. I was able to go into my garden and work without having to stop and answer the phone. It feels weird to be able to finish a task without having to stop for the phone.
I was thinking about asking the home if they could give her an adivan just before I get there to see her, I dont like the idea of her being druged like that but maybe it would make it easier on the both of us. At least for the first month or so. I kinda wish I could have one also. Just to take the edge off all of the emotions.
I need to set up a dentist appt for her, and Im dreading having to take her. I dont know how she is going to react. She is going to want to stop by her "old" house, Ive been told to not let her go back there. I guess I could tell her we cant get in any way because I dont have the keys with. She would be mad but its a good excuse. She could joke with me that my own memory is getting bad. Aaaggggg, I just dont know.
Mom always said it was ME losing memory, not her! After a while I just went along with it. Sometimes she thought I had told her something already, and said you said this yesterday! On TV she thought Judge Judy (one of her favorites) had tried the exact same case yesterday. Even a birthday card that arrived one day had already come yesterday. Mom forgot what was really happening, and whenever anyone told her anything, she said she knew that already. Once I said, what are tomorrow's lottery numbers ... but she didn't find it funny.
Hang in there. You will find the peace and quiet at home something wonderful! If you feel lonely, invite friends ...you can do that now. You will not be interrupted. Your Mom won't do anything bizarre.
It should be a real relief ... remember, no guilt!
OH BOY do I remember that addiction I had to her calling me. It was hard for me to not go up there all the time to make sure she was fine. At first I was there everyday, then I tried every other day..now I can almost make it 4 days in a row. She is always with us for lunch or shopping on the weekends..but I do like to make my appearance known the the staff....
With a smile and happy words.
It's so so hard .. I do think sometimes it is harder on us...er..um..or not.
I found out that this week mom got a little lecture from one of the staff on how she should be grateful for the family she has.
Sadly, there are people there who never get a visit from family. Yikes, how can they do that?
In many cases I think you might be right Meg. It is harder on us than them, especially if they adjust quickly to their new surroundings. They are happily playing bingo while we sit home and worry. Is there something wrong with that picture?
Stay busy craft and that will help. Shock yourself and do something really nice for yourself It is going to be ok.....
I know what you mean. I'm an only daughter also...from Minnesota. Must be that good midwestern guilt that we are raised with, huh ? I know how hard it is to leave your Mom and not be able to call here. You feel like you have abadoned her somehow. I would call the nurses and check on her to see how she was doing. I would call different shifts to make sure that she was OK all during the day... I made good friends with the entire nursing staff! But you really miss the sound of her voice!
Don't take her past her house. You are trying to cement her living in the new home, not her old place. If you want verification of how this sets off folks, ask Deb how bad her mother gets every time she goes past her old place. Craft, stop and think, they are not having her call you to wean her...going past her house would not be wise either.... The dentist is bad enough! shudder.....
And if you are done with your garden, we have a record crop of weeds in ours and you are welcome to come and pull. Tell me,. do you have rhubarb?
No rhubarb, just beans, peas, carrets, tomatoes, potatoes and squash. Some of it died while I was gone last week. Hubbie didnt water it for me.
Unfortunatly her dentist is right behind her old house so there is no way of avoiding it. I'll figure out some trick. "Dont have the keys, lets go get something to eat". I know its not going to be easy, just have to buck it up and do it.
Im leaving for town in a couple of hours. I will post again when I get back home. Should only be a couple of days this time. Going to pack some stuff, Im not going to push myself with it though. I have all of Sept. to get it empty. Im still working on getting a spot cleared out in my garage for her stuff so its a balancing act.