It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-22-2008, 02:23 PM   #1
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 306
craftlady HB User
Placement

I found a place for mom, its a AL for dementia and ALZ from little help to end of live care. It is a 5 woman house in the country with a locked outside area. Mom says she doesnt like it yet Im told by staff that she is adjusting well so far. Someone sat down with her for 15 mins and had a calm, fairly coherent conversation with her. She does understant what is going on with her and thats its not anyones fault. Bad crappy things happen in life. She will still try to take it out on me though. Now that I know she understands it will be easier on me (sorta). Her fits of anger will still be hard to deal with but I know she knows its really not my fault and I will learn to not take it to heart.

I will only be able to post on the weekends, for now thats the only time Im going to be home. To many things to still take care of. Her house is in town and I live in the country. To many miles to drive everyday. My poor car woulnt be able to take it. Its old and tired.

 
Old 08-22-2008, 02:33 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Martha H's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Middlebury, IN
Posts: 4,695
Martha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB User
Re: Placement

I'm glad you got her placed. Good luck with the car, and drop in when you can!

love,

Martha

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-22-2008, 03:09 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,161
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Placement

I am so glad you found a place for your Mom Craft. Know you did the right thing for your Mom and for yourself. Be observant of how your Mom is dealing with life when she doesn't know you are watching. Drop by the dining room door at meal time and watch her. This will give you an indication of how she is reacting to the facility rather than how she is reacting to you.

Just recently there was a meeting with the case manager and social worker about my Mom's rants. Amazingly, she does better when we are not there. She stuggles to get in the social flow but is not terribly upset by it. When we arrive she thinks she can convince us to take her home and when it doesn't happen she gets frustrated. All of her melt downs in the last few weeks have been when one of us took her out of the facility or we were there. I am not going to stop seeing her but may cut it back a bit. We are discussing limiting her trip out of the facility, especially to a daughter's house.

Good luck with the car and your Mom.... remember..... you did the right thing

Love, deb

 
Old 08-22-2008, 03:19 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Denver Co USA
Posts: 664
skimps46 HB Userskimps46 HB Userskimps46 HB User
Re: Placement

Craft, my hat is off to you. It must have been so very very hard. I am facing the same thing with daddy, and it's soooooo hard. You are more woman than I am - I haven't found a place for daddy yet. I'm looking. But I haven't secured it yet.

Deb, you spoke of the rants being most prevalant when you are there? Sounds like the "toddler" you reminded me that our demented loved ones are. Didn't we all have to peel a kid off our leg the first day of kindergarten?

Is it the same kind of thing, do ya' think? I know that when daddy goes an hour without seeing me, and hits me with, "Where been?" (he can't string togtether a FULL sentence, but I get it), he reminds me of a little child that has not seen mommy since breakfast.

I have attributed his gruffness to the "toddler" stage of life. And maybe, Craft, that is what mom is doing to. No way to know. But it's a thought.

...li'l deb

 
Old 08-22-2008, 05:48 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,161
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Placement

It is fear of the unknown. What should be familiar is not so it's much the same. It's also clinging to those you have some memory of that will help you get what you want... even if it is irrational. The difference between the toddler and our loved ones is that toddlers figure it out. They learn. Our loved ones just keep forgetting.

Love, deb

 
Old 08-23-2008, 04:40 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Oak Hill, VA
Posts: 3,506
ibake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB Useribake&pray HB User
Re: Placement

Craft,

I am so pleased that you found a place. Do they have medical that comes in and checks on the the residents? Is there a nurse on the staff? It sounds ideal for now. what a releif and load off of your shoulders. Know that you have done what needed to be done. Your mom is safe and taken care of and that is what is the most important.

Taking care of her house and cleaning it out can go in slow stages. Don't rush it and don't fuss. All in good time. Hang onto your towel We have the other end to make sure that we don't lose you, Your Mom will settle down in time or not. This isn't yours to worry about. Let it go dear. You have her safe. As she settles in she will adjust and it will be better...

prayers are with you..

 
Old 08-23-2008, 07:05 AM   #7
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 306
craftlady HB User
Re: Placement

There is CNA's on rotation with a RN that comes in once a week. There is awake nite time staff also. This place is nice. Its a house not a big AL place with loads of people. Its family run and they try to make the women feel like they are their moms.
It took quite a few phone calls to find this place. I was at my wits end when I called them, I almost fell over when they said they had room AND my mom could go there. So many places evaluated my mom but wouldnt take her for some reason.
So far my moms anger is only at me, she is doing real well when I'm not around. Shes eating, playing games, joking around and generaly happy. She angry that this has happen to her and needs someone to take it out on. Hopefully with time she will stop and our visits will become pleasant.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 08:24 AM   #8
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Adrian, Mi. USA
Posts: 445
petal*pusher HB User
Re: Placement

Quote:
Originally Posted by craftlady View Post
Hopefully with time she will stop and our visits will become pleasant.
You're right Craftlady...eventually she will accept this new place as her home...sure doesn't mean it's an easy adjustment for either of you though!

It took several months of "I-sure-wish-I-hadn't-visited" for ME to realize and accept the progression of this horrendous disease! Mom seemed to take most of her aggravation out on me (one of 6)...I remember crying all of that hour drive home each week. She's in her 10th year at this wonderful facility, and it's been quite a learning experience! She hasn't recognized me for quite a few years now...but she seems to realize I'm someone who loves her. There are visits that I cannot get any reaction at all...then, once in a while, she will lift her head and give me the most beautiful smile or stroke my hands with those little bony fingers....truly a gift!! None of my siblings make any attempt to visit her...and it's taken me quite a while to get past the resentment.

The AL my MIL was in for a few years (we lost her just before Christmas) was quite different than where my Mom is...but I had no voice in her placement. It was hard not to compare the care. My FIL is in a local medical care facility...also has Alzheimer's...and, again...the care is different. It's a wonderful facility, but just not as personal. I surely applaud those who are able to take care of their loved ones on their own...but the changes in their lives must be immense!

Yes...we all had regretful feelings after placing our loved ones...but after seeing the care by those trained and knowlegable in Alzheimer's, we knew this was the right decisions for us.

One more thing...I do find that other patients think I'm there to visit them also...and, to me this has become a bonus! As I sing to Mom...several others usually join in! ............Pam

 
Old 08-23-2008, 04:09 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Lake Worth, FLorida USA
Posts: 1,676
meg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB User
Re: Placement

Craft your visits will get better someday.
My mom took all of her aggressions out on me...she wouldn't even speak to me for over a year..I was crushed..how could a mother do that to her own child!?
My Sister In Law told me it would get better someday and that I would have my Saturday shopping partner back again.. I remember that day and told her NO...it would never change. But by gosh it did...she now lives in a facility and getting used to it and now she gets nervous if I am not in her sight when I am around.

I sure do wish I had all of you people when I was going through the worst of all that.

SO stick around Craft...you'll find we need you as much as you need us.

Meg

 
Old 08-24-2008, 06:32 AM   #10
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 306
craftlady HB User
Re: Placement

Thank you all for your support.
Im going though withdrawls this weekend. I havent talked to my mom in 3 days now. She used to call me up to 30 times in a day. So now that shes not calling it is weird. The home is helping with trying to break the obsession with calling me all the time. They hid the phone for now. I feel like I need to talk to her, yet I know it wouldnt not be a good thing right now.
I feel like Im neglecting her in some way. I know Im not, its just that Im her only child and I should be taking care of her. I know that I cant and that is why she is in this "home".
Life has taken so many changes lately, it will take time to get used to it.

 
Old 08-24-2008, 07:52 AM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,161
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Placement

There are always two sides. It appears you were as addicted to receiving her calls as she was to making them! I am not saying that in an ugly manner but a statement of fact that makes it easlier to work through. I was in your shoes as well. I also loaded on the guilt because I had somehow failed to do what I was supposed to do for Mom and Dad. I'm not sure what super woman I thought I was!! Now I know I would have failed Mom and Dad if I had not done what was right for them and place them in AL. My super woman complex (guilt) still strikes from time to time (especially when Mom is having her melt downs and begs to go home) but it gets easier with time. I am sure they are where they need to be.... no doubt at all. So hang in there. You have done a good thing for your Mom

Love, deb

 
Old 08-24-2008, 01:31 PM   #12
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 306
craftlady HB User
Re: Placement

I was always so worried when she didnt call. It did turn into some kind of addiction. Its just so quite around here, Im not used to it. My phone has only ran twice today. Its acually kinda refreshing. I was able to go into my garden and work without having to stop and answer the phone. It feels weird to be able to finish a task without having to stop for the phone.

I was thinking about asking the home if they could give her an adivan just before I get there to see her, I dont like the idea of her being druged like that but maybe it would make it easier on the both of us. At least for the first month or so. I kinda wish I could have one also. Just to take the edge off all of the emotions.

I need to set up a dentist appt for her, and Im dreading having to take her. I dont know how she is going to react. She is going to want to stop by her "old" house, Ive been told to not let her go back there. I guess I could tell her we cant get in any way because I dont have the keys with. She would be mad but its a good excuse. She could joke with me that my own memory is getting bad. Aaaggggg, I just dont know.

 
Old 08-24-2008, 02:13 PM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Martha H's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Middlebury, IN
Posts: 4,695
Martha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB User
Re: Placement

Mom always said it was ME losing memory, not her! After a while I just went along with it. Sometimes she thought I had told her something already, and said you said this yesterday! On TV she thought Judge Judy (one of her favorites) had tried the exact same case yesterday. Even a birthday card that arrived one day had already come yesterday. Mom forgot what was really happening, and whenever anyone told her anything, she said she knew that already. Once I said, what are tomorrow's lottery numbers ... but she didn't find it funny.

Hang in there. You will find the peace and quiet at home something wonderful! If you feel lonely, invite friends ...you can do that now. You will not be interrupted. Your Mom won't do anything bizarre.

It should be a real relief ... remember, no guilt!

Love,

Martha

 
Old 08-24-2008, 04:10 PM   #14
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 306
craftlady HB User
Re: Placement

Repeating to myself....no guilt, relax...no guilt, relax...no guilt, relax.

Thanks again, and again.

Getting goofy from lack of sleep and busy days.

 
Old 08-24-2008, 06:12 PM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Lake Worth, FLorida USA
Posts: 1,676
meg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB Usermeg1230 HB User
Re: Placement

OH BOY do I remember that addiction I had to her calling me. It was hard for me to not go up there all the time to make sure she was fine. At first I was there everyday, then I tried every other day..now I can almost make it 4 days in a row. She is always with us for lunch or shopping on the weekends..but I do like to make my appearance known the the staff....
With a smile and happy words.


It's so so hard .. I do think sometimes it is harder on us...er..um..or not.

I found out that this week mom got a little lecture from one of the staff on how she should be grateful for the family she has.
Sadly, there are people there who never get a visit from family. Yikes, how can they do that?
Meg

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Changes in EKG and lead placement errors? Toneman Heart Disorders 2 07-19-2007 02:08 PM
Nursing home placement zonk Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 8 01-13-2007 06:43 PM
nursing home placement day 2 dolores129 Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 11 08-16-2006 05:21 PM
Nuvaring questions swthrt87 Birth Control 2 04-05-2006 06:02 PM
placement transition dolores129 Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 2 08-27-2005 07:27 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Aricept
Aspirin
Ativan
Morphine
Namenda
  Reminyl
Risperdal Seroquel
Xanax
Zoloft




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Gabriel (762), ninamarc (157), Martha H (124), meg1230 (93), angel_bear (68), jagsmu (55), Beginning (51), TC08 (44), ibake&pray (43), debbie g (37)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1182), MSJayhawk (1015), Apollo123 (913), Titchou (862), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (760), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:21 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!