It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-28-2008, 08:56 AM   #1
gjg gjg is offline
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Watervliet
Posts: 16
gjg HB User
Respite-How to talk to dad

Hi everyone - I'm back again for your assistance. How do you talk to your parent about going to respite for two weeks? I haven't been able to find a permanent nursing home yet but I have been able to schedule a two week respite for my dad in September. This is going to give me a real break but I don't know how to tell him. He is going to be devastated and I will be heart broken leaving him there but I need the rest. I've asked my sister to go with me when I take him there but I need to break it to him. For some reason he is more coherent lately. He understands what is going on. Should I wait until the time is closer or should I try to start preparing him now? Your suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks Gloria

 
Old 08-28-2008, 09:10 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,161
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Respite-How to talk to dad

It is hard to tell how aware they are of reality. There are times my Mom appears to have it together but then you realize she is just as scattered even if she is calm about it. I have not had much experience with waiting for something to happen. When we moved Mom and Dad it was an emergency situation and it was only a week between the time it was evident they had to move and they were sleeping in their new apartment.

Other time I have found that if we tell Mom early she either forgets and we have to explain it over and over or she obcesses about it (which is worse). Dad never remembers. I would wait until closer to the time. Use a little twist of the truth and tell him it is for medical reasons while reassuring him that it is not permenant. He may surprise you. My dad, who we were truly fearful would not adjust is the one that actually enjoys the facility. My Mom who was 100% ready to go is the one that has not adjusted as well.

The one thing you need to do is remember that you are doing what is best at this time for him and for you. You need this break so you can give him the best care possible. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Just use your best judgement at the moment and know it will be ok.

Love, deb

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-28-2008, 09:13 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Martha H's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Middlebury, IN
Posts: 4,695
Martha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB UserMartha H HB User
Re: Respite-How to talk to dad

You have to tell him, not ask him. You have to say it calmly and without emotion. Leave out any phrases like "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this ..." or "this may be hard for you..." or "I wish I didn't have to do this ...'

Just say, "Tomorrow (I would not prepare him ahead of time and thus prolong the time of arguments and protests) you are going on a little vacation. You will stay at X with lots of nice people. They will take care of you until I get back."

Any protests or outbursts must be answered with, "yes, you are right, but this is what we are going to do".

No arguments.

I wish you luck, since all this is much easier looking back than looking forward!

Love,

Martha

Last edited by Martha H; 08-28-2008 at 09:14 AM.

 
Old 08-28-2008, 09:31 AM   #4
gjg gjg is offline
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Watervliet
Posts: 16
gjg HB User
Re: Respite-How to talk to dad

Thanks Martha and Deb. I have been told that since he is going to respite rather than a permanent situation I can't visit the first week he is there. They tell me this is as much for me as it is for him. I am setting up visitors for him so that he will have someone different visit him almost everyday. At least I can ask them how he is doing and not feel like I am abandoning him.

I live in New York and my daughter is in medical school in Connecticut. She was in Oregon for a month attending a Neurology rotation. She flew back into New York Saturday so that she could see me and my father before she went back to Ct. My sister stayed with my dad Sunday so that I could drive my daughter home. When I got back he was so angry because I never tell him anything. Of course I told him before I left where I was going and how long I thought I would be gone. He didn't remember the conversation at all. He didn't remember my sister's name when he was telling me about her later that night. He kept saying that girl you left me with. It is so sad. He is totally dependent on me and doesn't want anyone else around him. I think that is why everything seems so difficult for me. I feel totally responsible for his happiness at this stage of the game. Gloria

 
Old 08-28-2008, 11:24 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,161
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Respite-How to talk to dad

You might want to do what I have done with Mom. Instead of telling her something I write it. When I had to leave her for a couple of hours during my last trip to attend the care meeting we were in an activity. Instead of telling her I wrote her a note, telling her I had to to go meet my sister and we would be back in an hour. I also suggested she go on to Lunch and we would met her back in her room. The couple of times I checked on her she was fine and the note was close by. It is a visual cue to what she can't remember.

For the two weeks you are gone find some note cards that your father will notice and write him reassuring notes giving him whatever twist of truth you tell him before you leave and when you will return. Slip them in pockets, in his ditty kit, in his suit case, or give them to his visitors to pass along. Those little reminders may be helpful to reassure him that you will return.

Then enjoy your respit without too much worry

love, deb

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Help needed to cope wtih symptoms or get a respite from the symptoms ahm97sic Multiple Sclerosis 13 05-16-2008 08:32 PM
Respite Care monkey3 Autism Spectrum 12 11-28-2006 10:30 AM
Respite/Caregivers lgrot Autism Spectrum 3 05-09-2006 06:25 AM
Respite angel_bear Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 39 09-27-2005 09:52 AM
residential/respite for adult children with Autism valmark Autism Spectrum 0 02-05-2001 04:29 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Aricept
Aspirin
Ativan
Morphine
Namenda
  Reminyl
Risperdal Seroquel
Xanax
Zoloft




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Gabriel (762), ninamarc (157), Martha H (124), meg1230 (93), angel_bear (68), jagsmu (55), Beginning (51), TC08 (44), ibake&pray (43), debbie g (37)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1182), MSJayhawk (1015), Apollo123 (913), Titchou (862), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (760), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:16 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!