Welcome to the board Alishasmom. You definitely found the right place. My Mom has ALZ and my Dad has Vascular Dementia. They have been in AL almost a year. I found this board not long before we were forced to move them and I can never explain how much help these ladies were to me then and since. Tell us your story and keep posting. We are all there with you.
my house has changed so much. She moved in the beginning of april. I feel so bad for her.. I have 3 other siblings but they are to busy with their lives..My mom was in the hospital in march because of a UTI. when she was about to be relaesed my siblings wanted to put her in a nursing home..If that would of happened she would have given up completely..she has her good days and bad. It gets hard because I have a 16 year old and a 6 year old.. They need my attention too. Some days I am so tired that I just want to lay down. I can't leave my mother unsupervised she also has parkinsons with the dementia so she is a fall risk.. I am so happy I found this website I know it will help me... thanks
Welcome AlishasMom...you are in the right place. You need to get some help, whether it's respite from the local Alzheimers association or from some friends. You are not going to be any good to anyone let alone yourself if your burning it at both ends. Know that you can come here and unload at any time and that we will understand and try to help you.
Oh honey, how difficult. I've always felt that simply having a 16 year old requires one to get a support group. Every family is different, but for most I know, those that can't or won't give time are supposed to at least provide financial support. Since the family is avoiding the nursing home expense due to your efforts, couldn't your siblings maybe help pay for a couple days a week for an in-home aide? Then maybe you could shop for groceries, or spend an evening concentrating on your children.
I can empathize Alishasmom. We tried for a year, after Mom's diagnosis with moderate to sever dementia, to keep Mom and Dad at home. Dad has had vascular dementia for years and until then Mom was his caregiver. All three of my sisters were working so it was in large part my doing. You absolutely positively need help. Either the other siblings need to take weekends to give you a break or you need in home care on a regular basis so that you can get out and take care of your family. I will tell you from experience, it is better to havein home help before your Mom gets worse. Mom hated somebody in the house. Have you considered Assisted Living, because it doesn't get better? Our situation became so impossible that we had no choice but to move Mom and Dad to AL about a year ago. It was not by choice but because of necessity. The only regret I have is that we didn't do it sooner. Mom got her independence back. There is nobody looking over her shoulder, yet they are safe, well fed, and get their meds regularly. The laundry and cleaning is done for them and there are many activities to enjoy. Mom has her moments and would rather be at home but I would never go back to the way it was. You can't continue to do it all forever. It will wear you down. If you get sick then who will be there for Mom? Besides, your kids do need you.
I am glad you have found us. Know we have good ears, nice shoulders, and much advice and opinions.
Welcome to this group. I feel for you - by choosing to have your Mom live with you, you have given yourself an impossible task. I know, I did it too., for 5 years.
If I had to choose all over again, I would have taken her to a nursing home much sooner. Finally she did have to go to one because of a broken hip - and to everyone's amazement she was happy there. She enjoyed the company, the nice nurses, not having to make any choices; and I enjoyed knowing she was safe and cared for 24/7 and I could still have a good night's sleep!
Since your siblings already opted for a NH once, I would start looking around and see what kinds of nice places are available these days, and then take them up on it. It is not anything like ''putting her away where I know she will just die." Those were the NHs of the past.
Please reconsider for your own and your children's sake.
PS the staff of NHs are trained to deal with every aspect of Dementia ... with patience and understanding. I made so many mistakes along the way, trying to reason with Mom for example ... it was so hard.
Last edited by Martha H; 08-30-2008 at 05:08 AM.
Reason: add PS
Welcome to the boards. You'll find loving, giving caregivers here. I truly feel for you. I could not do what you are doing. I've been through this disease before with my Grandparents so I had some idea what was going to happen to Mom. Your never really "prepared" for dementia. Its a "horrid" ,to quote a friend, disease. Sorry you have to be here but glad you found us.
I thought the same as Q. A 16 yr. old is challenging enough. I'm with the rest of the ladies. You need some help. Come here often with your thoughts and fears. These caregivers are wonderful people.
I agree with everything everyone has told you. It doesn't get any easier, it only gets harder.
My dad has been with me for 8 years, the last 3 with dementia/alzheimer's. The past 6 months have been the worst. Without these wonderful people to listen and respond to my problems I don't know where I would be today. I only found this message board about a month ago but they have been so supportive and given me ideas to help lessen the guilt of having to find a NH.
I'm in the process now and have respite set up for two weeks so that I can get a needed break. In June I was able to get assistance three days a week for two hours to help my dad shower and dress. They other days it falls on me. He too can't be left alone. During those two hours I do my grocery shopping, stop someplace for a quiet cup of coffee or just go to the mall and walk for awhile.
Take care of yourself and do what is right for you. I don't have any help either except for the aide so I know exactly what you are dealing with. The only positive for me is I don't have any kids at home. It is just me and my dad. Occasionally it would be nice to have someone else in the house to talk to.
Welcome. I am new to this in the last month also. I became so interested that I still haven't taken time to figure out all the little ins and outs of the site. You've just taken one of the best steps that I have found for help. Most everyone here is so open, honest, and willing to help in any way they can. Many times, it's just be letting you know our experiences. In my case, I live in a small community and the only support group consists of about 6 people all of whom are spouses of the person. I'm a daughter. It makes quite a difference when you're talking to someone a generation away from you with a different relationship to the ill. This has been the greatest help I could hope to find. Hang in there with us. We will all get through together!
welcome to this wonderful and caring site.... I joined here some time ago and though I don't post often I read every day..... I have my mom with Alz. and my MIL ( who is visiting for an undetermined amount of time) has Parkinson... so between the two it keeps me on my toes.... my MIL seems to think she is at Club Med and will do nothing but puzzles and watch TV... My mom has trouble cooking so I go over to her place for two days a week and cook meals and do doctors appointments and generally give my dad a break... Bless you for taking on a very unappreciated job.... this is the place to let it all hang out and rant .......I will be looking for your posts...
Believe me, you don't want to hear all my ranting! I would need several boards. My mother broke her hip on April 11 beginning a downhill spiral and month long argument by doctors concerning what to do. A month later, her hip was crushed so she had to have the worse surgery of a prosthesis. At 49, I graduated from social work with her in the hospital on May 3. For 2 1/2 years, my family had been involved in a custody battle over my little granddaughter born to my son out of wedlock. He was given custody on March 31 of this year, but we still have managed to get no papers to show it! The other family was very prominent here, the mother's father-a doctor and the mother- foster parent of the decade...with sometimes as many as 8 or 10 at a time for 20 years. She was friends with the entire Dept. of Children's Services. At one time, my granddaughter told me that they had custody, and I said nothing. Custody had never been taken from my son nor they had never filed papers as far as we knew. I went to the courthouse to find that she was telling the truth. They had held custody for 5 months without anything changing or anyone mentioning it. We were keeping her equal time. The dept. hated me, and I am still going through emotional abuse from it. One thing isn't over before another starts. In between, I watch mother go downhill in stairstep fashion after them finding her to have mixed dementia of AD and vascular dementia. It's been a trip!