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Old 09-01-2008, 02:02 PM   #1
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Siblings causing crap?

Am I the only one who was full-time caretaker for a parent and then had siblings turn when I place my mom in the nursing home? I just don't get how a sister and brother who never lifted a hand to help can NOW decide that everything I did was wrong.

Can someone explain it to me?

Am I the only one this has happened too?

I am so ready to tear up all my paperwork and say the hell with everything. I don't get a minutes peace. I feel guilty because I put her in the nursing home but if I had dropped dead while taking care of her no one else would have done anything.


Sorry for venting but I KNOW ya'll understand.

Mary Lou

P.S. DId ya'll know that there is some miracle drug out that is sending people home from the nursing home? Cures them ... JUST LIKE THAT!!!! So says my idiot sister.
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Old 09-01-2008, 02:07 PM   #2
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

NO, your not the only one .. although it probably feels like that.

My *relative* (and I use the term loosely) nagged and nagged and nagged me that his parents should be in a home. They should not still be in their own home, and he ranted and raved at how stubborn his parents were not going to a nursing home.

Then we moved in to help (cause we were asked) and we got NO help from this relative except when outsiders were coming in to give me a break.

THEN he turns around and screams at me for keeping them at home too long when in fact I was doing everything in my power to get them to the point of accepting going into a nursing home.

I mean .. NOBODY WANTS to go to a nursing home ... honestly .....

And then I get abused and told it's my fault THAT THEY'RE IN THE NURSING HOME!!

What the ......?

***shaking head*** frustrating? Yup. Soul destroying? Yup.
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Old 09-01-2008, 02:20 PM   #3
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

This is prety common actually....one kid takes on the brunt of the problems ot solve and the siblings do nada. Then when things HAVE TO change, they rise up and blame the one that has done all the work!

 
Old 09-01-2008, 02:57 PM   #4
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

Yep, that is exactly what happens. The year after Mom's diagnosis, trying to keep two parents at home with dementia, and all three siblings working, I could do nothing right. When we had to move them to AL and I am no longer "in charge", I can still do nothing right. If I show up, it is at the wrong time. If I don't show up I should. If I show up at the right time I didn't tell them I was going to be there soon enough or I didn't write the right e-mail while I was there. I have also been told that I just don't understand what caring for them is all about. DUH!!!!!! I did it for a year!!!

HAHA MaryLou, if such a drug existed why are our parents in long term care? Why don't you tell her to get you some so your parent can go home

I truly don't understand why this disease tears families apart so, but it does. When Mom had breast cancer and Dad had bypass surgery the family pulled together as a single unit. Now it's splintering into camps that definitely don't see eye to eye. I wonder if it is because the family leaders, the parents, are no longer the directing force which causes some to lose their way?

I finally had to shut down with one sister. I have told her I will not participate in her drama. I respond to rational logical statements that involve Mom and Dad's care and ignore the rest by developing what I call a duck's back..... the rants roll right off my back as water off a duck's back. Sometimes that's all we can do Mary Lou. Do the best we can for our parents and let the rest go....

Love, deb

 
Old 09-01-2008, 03:28 PM   #5
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

I just get so fed up that I'm ready to shoot myself. I'm going to be 59 soon and I'm not in the best of health myself and I'm SURE that everytime I forget something its Alzheimer's starting up. The cardiologist told me a few weeks ago that one of the wires to my heart had shorted out but all was fine as long as the other's stayed .... whatever the hell that means.

I have two sons in MS who quit talking to me because when their dad passed inApril I coulnd't make it the funeral so they only think of me as the person who gave birth to them.

I took care of my mom for 4 years and became a prisoner in the house while siblings did NOTHING. My sister lives 20 minutes away and came over every three or four months but I'M the bad one.

I'm just so tired. I need to do something for myself but don't have the money or desire to leave the house now. I had to quit so many at home jobs when my mom got really bad that now I can't find a job. Hoping an organization called Experience WOrks can help me out but I'm waiting to see.

Again, sorry to come here and complain but no one else seems to give a poop. Everyone just says 'ignore them' which is easy to say if the nastiness isn't directed at you, as you all know.

Mary Lou
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Old 09-01-2008, 03:45 PM   #6
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

Dear Mary Lou,

I just want you to know that you will be in my prayers from now on. It is a hard task that you took upon yourself, taking care of your Mom. If only employers and relatives understood what that is like, we would all be offered executive jobs and lots of love and affection - but in this world our efforts went almost unrecognized. I hope your relationship with your children will improve. Usually as they get older they understand better what their Mom has done for them.

I also wish you luck in findng employment. The economy is bad right now, but maybe it will take a turn for the better. Good luck! You are not alone.

Love,

Martha

 
Old 09-01-2008, 04:32 PM   #7
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

Dear Marylou,
I am sorry to hear of your struggles, but can relate to your stress with your siblings. My uncle is my grandmothers sole caregiver, with a "little" help from his brother. His 3 sisters all live 10 minutes away and "never" visit, they dont even speak...this is the result of a long and bitter road. But they all are the opposite and have told my uncle (when they were speaking) over and over again to put my grandmother in a home......they dont want her at home, because they dont want to share in her care. There is a huge difference between wanting your parent to be "Put" in a home, because you no longer want the burden.......and actually taking the time to find a caring place....that is well run, by good people who can care for your loved one properly while giving the caregiver the break they so desperately need. For my aunts, they couldnt care less if she went into one of those homes that give the rest a bad name, they just want rid of the "burden"....and since they didnt get their way, they chose never to come around anymore. My motto is if you're not willing to help, you've lost all rights to an opinion, and you should keep your mouth shut and not make things any worse for the caregiver, as it is a long, exhausting and painful road.
The next time my aunts will see my grandmother is at her service......I may sound bitter...but when I think of all the times I've heard that she sobs and sobs, crying for her daughters and why they've abandoned her.....to be honest, if I had "my way", I would never even tell them when she passes away. And then if "ever" they should ask, I would just say, "Oh yes, your mother passed months ago"......I dont think they deserve the courtesy of letting them know.....after what they've done to her. After letting her leave this earth thinking that her daughter's "hate" her.....these are her very sad words that break my heart....
Marylou...just wanted to share my thoughts that I do understand the frustration that siblings can be....I could write a book. I wish you all the best....I know it's an extremely difficult undertaking.....but you have to make the decisions that are right for you and your mom. As long as you follow that, nothing else matters. I truly hope things work out well with your sons.....
Love, Caroline xo

 
Old 09-01-2008, 05:03 PM   #8
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

I think that your sister may be on "drugs" for thinking there is a drug out there that is a "cure-all". Like us caregivers don't want that drug????? I hear ya loud and clear. I have 3 brothers, all have VANISHED since our Mom has been on Planet Alz. What goes around...will hopefully come around.
Hang in there! There is NO BETTER group than these gals here! I do not post often, just read and cry with the rest of them.

 
Old 09-01-2008, 05:12 PM   #9
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

My Dear Marylou,

I can not relate to your problem because I am so blessed to have a brother who steps up each and everytime..I also have a husband and a son who carry a large part of my burden with my mom..So I KNOW how fortunate I am..so how can I help you?

I will be your cheerleader.
I will root for you from my house to yours.
You cannot give up! You cannot shoot yourself.
If your heart goes on its own, let it, but live til it does!
Do not give up. Ever. Ever. Ever.
If you feel all that you have done for your loved one is what you knew was the best you could do, then be proud of it! Own it! Don't let anyone take that away from you.
It is their problem, not yours. If they try to give you guilt, refuse it!

(I sometime tease my husband when he does something wrong..I tell him he is in the doghouse and he says.."nope, I ain't going' ..It always makes me laugh.)

So, do like him, just refuse anything anyone tries to put on you.
If someone tried to hand you a big ole bag of poop you wouldn't accept it, would you? Same thing..don't take any crap from anyone!

As for getting a job..keep trying. Make finding work your full time job. Have faith in yourself. I know these are terribly difficult financial times but there is something out there for you. Trust yourself.

As for your sons. Heartbreaking. Someone told me once that a child steps on your toes when they are small but step on your heart when they grow. Yours have surely done that. I hope things will work out someday with them but til then you must take care of yourself.
Hang on.

Love, Meg

(Do I look cute in my cheerleader's outfit, girls? I made it out of my towel.)

 
Old 09-01-2008, 06:30 PM   #10
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

Yeah Meg, you look cute. I, on the other hand, look like a Virginia ham wrapped in a towel in mine. Dear Texas Cookie, you have already done one of the toughest jobs on earth. Be confident that you can do anything! While you're job hunting, maybe you could try a parttime volunteer position? It'll get you back amoung people, and sometimes leads to a paid slot. You're already wise enough to know that it's time to do something for you, but you say you lack desire. Maybe try anger as a motivation? As in "I'll show my sister and everyone else that thinks I'm the bad one that I can overcome their negativity and do whatever I choose to do". Picture yourself standing tall, wearing your towel as a cape, "Don't mess with Texas" emblazoned upon it. I will keep you in my prayers.

 
Old 09-01-2008, 07:30 PM   #11
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

Thanks to all who left a comment. I knew if I came here I wouldn't feel all alone like I do most of the time.

I need to call the doctor tomorrow about getting on an antidepressant so I can pull myself out of this hole I feel like I'm in. Maybe I can get ahold of her tomorrow .... I started crying today when my daughter called and she told me to call and get the script and she'd pay for it, LOL. Guess she's tired of hearing me cry all the time.

I've never paid much attention to my Power of Attorney I have on my mom but I think maybe I need to look into it and make sure what I can and can't do. I'm seriously having my sister barred from the nursing home because I KNOW she says stuff that gets my mom upset PLUS someone she knows there is telling her stuff that she shouldn't.

Oh well I'm going to hit the bed and see if I can dream up a solution.
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Old 09-01-2008, 07:43 PM   #12
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

First of all, don't shoot yourself..... shoot back at those that are shooting at you. Be proactive, call the doctor, check with the POA, be creative. If your sister insiste on being "in charge" then tell the nursing home to call her when there is a problem or when your Mom needs something. Perhaps a little hands on will help her be more in tune to the situation. How about a bubble bath with a good book before you find your pillow. Just don't fall asleep in the tub and drop your book in the water. I'll join Meg's cheering but I will opt for the warm up suit rather than the cheerleader outfit

Keep giving your kids love and hopefully they will see past their grief and pain of their father's death. You have your daughter on your side which is a plus.

As for a job. Volunteering is a good start. It gets you out of the house and connects you with those that might have the job leads you need. Go by the local nursing home, hospital, or AL facility and see if there is a need for an experienced sitter. It is something you have experience in. Even if you don't want to do it forever it could be an immediate answer to your current situation.

Just know we have all had our days of frustration and understand where you are today. We are behind you, lifting you up, hanging on to you with our towels and our love. So put on that "Don't Mess with Texas" towel cape and fly

Love, deb

 
Old 09-02-2008, 10:17 AM   #13
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

I have kind of decided to just move my mom back home. I know that won't satisfy the siblings but at least I can supervise her visits and see to it that they don't get her upset over whatever thwy want to be upset about. I know thatthe time is going to come very quickly that she will not be able to walk and at that time I'll put her in the home here in town so I be closer to her, with the price of gas that 40 mile round trip really limits my visits.

SO who thinks I'm crazy????
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Old 09-02-2008, 12:20 PM   #14
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

Well --- I took care of my Mom for 5 years, but later wished it had ended sooner, maybe after 4. It was just that her Dementia became so much worse. I was not capable of dealing with it. Things I never imagined in my worst nightmares happened. I came home to find human feces on the bathroom rug and tracked all over the house. Mom stopped washing herself. She hid soiled underpants in strange places. It was absolutely impossible to reason with her at all. It was very bad for my mental and physical health (no sleep) ... I would not recommend it.

Professional care in a good, loving, nursing home changed her life for the better. Somehow they were able to switch her into adult diapers from Day #1 on. They had her dressed in acceptable clothes. I used to leave for my job before she got up, and she would put on my HUGE clothes on her tiny body, not remembering they were not hers. While she was still able to go to the senior center, she had actual fights with other women when she tried to wear their coats home.

At the nursing home she found love and peace. No decisions to make. No one ever argued with her. It was a loving atmosphere, with lots of helpful care. No more incredulous daughter telling her she had done something wrong (like tracking the sh*t around) .. no more anger. No more feeling inadequate. At the NH she made friends. Soon she thought she had known them forever. They had conversations about their families and adventures. Later Mom told us what she had done that day - based on the life story of her neighbor. Mom thought SHE had done all of it...

She actually had fun, brightened up, stopped being depressed, stopped worrying.

I would not recommend taking her home to you unless she is still in a much less confused stage than my Mom was, and even then, the time will come for another move. Good luck with it. I don't mean to scare you, but just report my story ...

Love,

Martha

Last edited by Martha H; 09-02-2008 at 12:21 PM.

 
Old 09-02-2008, 05:33 PM   #15
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Re: Siblings causing crap?

I paid a visit to the nursing home today and was greated by one of the CNA's who has been there from the start. SHe took me up to my mom and asked my mom who I was ... my mom said thats Mary Lou, my other daughter stole all my money, put me in here and ran off. Of course that was me she was talking about and the CNA knew it so she wanted me to know what was going on.

My EX sister and brother are going over there, telling her all this stuff and getting her upset .... my sister was there today a few hours before I was.

I was told that anytime either of them visit mama roams the halls calling for her family to come and get her and trying to get out the locked door.

TOnight I sat with her while she ate supper then took her to Dairy Queen for an ice cream and took her back. I called just a few minutes ago and they said she was in her nightgown and laying in bed as peaceful as could be. Nothing likew when the others go there.

SO that made my mind up. All I need to do is find a few places that can come in and help me out with her so I don't try to do it all alone like I did before. I WILL NOT let those idiots go over there and keep her upset all the time. I'm sure she'll be going back at a later date but for now I don't want her upset 90% of the time.
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