my mother was in the hospital with a UTI, now she is in a NH and rehab. I have visited almost every day that she has been there ... It breaks my heart every time I go she crys and wants to go with me.. 3 years they diagonised her with parkinsons ,while in the hopsital they now think she never had it. they say that they think that she has louie dementia. It upsets me that she is in the NH becaused she has been living with me and my familyfor a while . she is confused at times and today she was upset when she kept begging me to take her home with me..I just feel very guilty I hope this gets better for her.. thanks for this web site...
Every one of us who post here surely understand that guilt you're feeling! It's an awful gnawing, tear-at-your-heart kind of pain we all share.
When you mention you hope it gets better for her (and YOU)... I'm afraid there's no turning back with this horrific disease. It sneaks up on thorny little elbows and pulls itself thru the entire family...it allows us tiny glimpses of "how it used to be" and gets our hope up...then slyly reminds us it has a tight hold on our loved one.
I think the absolute hardest part to get thru is when part of them realizes the changes going on...and there is nothing they can do to stop it. I remember those heartbreaking times with my Mom also...also MIL and FIL...as hard as it was on us, our heartbreak was for them. It sounds like this is what you're going thru also....and I'm just so sorry.
Mom is in her 10th yr. at the Alzheimer's Facility...and there have been no tears for several years when I go. Your Mom will come to believe that her home has always been there...she will look forward to your visits without actually showing recognition...but she will know you are there because you are someone who loves her very much.
Please visit here often...ask questions and share...you will help others that find their way here. This seems like a great bunch of people...under different circumstances, we'd still all be friends..........Pam
I completely agree with everything Pam said and I do understand exactly what you are talking about.
My Dad (Vascular Dementia) and my Mom (Alzheimer) both have dementia. Dad is relatively happy but Mom mom is fighting against this disease with all that is within her. I have written extensively about her fear, anger, rants, tear, and angst. She wants to go home. Her world has gone crazy. She truly believes, if we just let her go home, then the chaos in her head will go away and all will be well. She will pleed, beg, threaten, get angry, and disowns us regularly. We are in a conspiracy to make her miserable. Yes, it is all hard to hear but in my heart it just validates that she is where she needs to be. I want my Mom to be happy.... but my first responsibility is be sure that my parents are safe and well cared for so I have no regrets.
I think this is one of the hardest parts of this disease.... or it has been for me. Then one day I realized that Mom's desire to go home was not to go back to the house where she lived with this debilitating condition. It was a cry to go back in time when she and Dad were healthy and could live at home. I know in my heart that it is impossible. This disease does not get better. As I said before my first responsibility is to be sure that my parents are safe and well cared for... and that is what we have done
I do hope your Mom adjust to her new surroundings and life becomes better in that way.... for both of you. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
One of the symptoms of a UTI is confussion which hampers the confussion that already apparent with the dementia. If the UTI become recurrent you want to find out whats the orgin of the infection. If the orgin is Ecoli, then you want to determine is there a problem with your care givers technique.
Please don't feel guilty. I felt more helplessness than guilt because I knew I was doing the right thing by placing mom in a NH.
My mom still gets up to go home with me after a visit and I make up excuses as to why she can't come...I'm off to the store; going for a walk with hubby on the canal (she has a fear of water) or anything that I know she doesn't like to do. Most times I'm fibbing, but it works.
Other times I've crouched down to her level and put her face in my hands and told her how much I love her and that she is in the best place to keep her safe...and that I know she knows I'd never; ever; do anything but keep her in my best interest. She tearfully agrees and the mom I always knew does show some realization that her only daughter knows what's best for her.
All you can do is greet your mom with a cheerful smile and hello and come up with scenarios as to why you need to leave. I've even said I had to go to the bathroom and I'll be back in a bit. By the time you'ld have come back from the bathroom, she most likely won't remember what you said. Not sure if your mom is at that point, but I've kind of had to learn to play the game as I go. Most times my mom doesn't even know I was with her just a few hours before. So it's best just to make excuses as to why she can't leave with you at that time...the weather is bad; it's too muggy; I don't have the keys to her house with me; anything to distract them.
Sorry you're going through this, but know that there are many of us right there beside you in spirit.
Last edited by sunnydaze1; 09-17-2008 at 06:00 PM.