The tears just wont stop.
I took care of turning off cable and phone at moms house this week. Called realestate place, have a meeting on Tue with them. Started cleaning out the house, make one load out of basement. Stopped by the Cremations Socity today to pre pay for her cremation. Trying to do the spend down thing for the county. Not much money to spend down. After I pay for Oct. care at Solway she will be broke. So hopefully there isnt a problem with getting her into the system for Nov.
Mom was able to be released from the hospital this past Tue. She had a dentist appt on Wen, that didnt go to bad. She wanted to go "pick" on her "friends" so we did that too. We went to eat somewhere and then she refused untill I said we could go to her "old" house. That was almost a mistake. She got very upset and started yelling at me that all this is my fault. I started to cry and asked her if she really thought that I was doing this to her. I told her that I dont like what is going on either but I am tyring to do my best to take care of her. After about a half hour I was able to get her to leave so I could bring her back to Solway. She doesnt want to live there, so I told her that it is only temparary, I was looking for something bigger and better. That also calmed her down. At least for that moment. Now today she doesnt remember any of it. Im "the bad daughter who is doing this to her". I know she doesnt mean it, but that doesnt make it hurt any less.
Better go for now, cant see what Im typing though the tears.
I am so sorry, I wish I could reach through my monitor and give you a big hug. The smart lady from down under is correct, it's not your mom, it's a disease. I have no clue why I needed someone to tell me that, but I did. After all, it's your mom, she criticized and told you what to do for years, so we're primed to take their judgement on us to heart. We can't just turn that off when mom is no longer rational. Go ahead and mourn the loss of the person you remember, but please don't feel you're doing wrong. You're not. You're a good and dutiful daughter in an impossible situation. May God bless you,
Thank you for the hugs, I can feel them from here.
I know this is the illness that is making her this way. I guess some of the tears are from the loss I feel. Its so awfull to see her like this. Not knowing one day from the next. One hour from the next. To live in the same "moment" all the time.
I think she knows somewhere in her heart that this is no ones fault, its just easier for her to blame it on "someone".
Every day that passes I love her more than then yesterday.
Awwww, Craftlady, if only I could wrap my arms around you. It's so hard, isn't it? I don't know when or if it ever gets easier to transition from being the child to being the parent of the one that raised us...It's just so damned unfair.
Know that tomorrow will be different. She prob'ly won't remember, and it will be a little duller for you. It's so hard when our folks say hurtful things to us. It was when we were 12, and it is hard when we're grown.
And you are showing her how much you love her. You really are. She is safe tonight. You know that, and in her foggy mind, she does, too. That is the best gift you can give her now - safety.
We love you, Craftlady. We understand, and send hugs, towels (I swear - I am holding on to the end of about 15 of them), and I send you virtual Toasted Head Chardonnay. That stuff is magic!!! And here's 3 rocks. Open the back door and heave one out, wrap one in a towel and beat the stuffin out of the virtual disease of dementia, and hold onto two of them in case someone ticks you off in the next couple of days.
Write when you can. Know you are in our prayers...
Dear Craftlady, I wanted to write yesterday. Say something that could help you. I seem to be in the same mood that your in the last few days. I know how hard it is to keep going.
I don't want to keep going. I want all of the pain and indignities (sp?) that my poor little Mom is suffering to just be over. Its killing me at the moment.
Just know that I'm thinking of you and I hope today is a better day for you.
((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) and understanding is all I have to give.
Love Chris I HATE this disease.
The long goodbye.... !!!Sigh!!! Each little step takes away a part of our loved one that we grieve for. Each time we go through the seven stages of grief.... Shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression and lonliness, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, and finally acceptance and hope. The problem with this disease is that sometimes we don't get to the final three stages before another one slaps us in the face. We can find ourself stuck.
Martha is right....There is a light at the end of the tunnel. With time the pain will not go away but you will find a way to fit it into your life so that it is not so debilitating. At some point fond memories will overshadow the sadness. You will remember the Mom you had. The disease can't take that away from you. Give yourself time to grieve and be good to yourself. Know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
You do have to remember that your Mom is not angry with "YOU"!!! She loves you. She is scared, frightened, and aggitated because her world is upside down. She is a presssure cooker of emotions that don't have a proper way to escape. It has helped me to realize that it is not my Mom talking to me but the disease lashing out at the world in general and I just happen to be standing there. As you said she doesn't remember the hurtful things she says. You are the one left with her angry words. It is normal for those with dementia to lash out at the one they know loves them and will not go away. The reason you are there is because you love your Mom. Instead of looking at the outburst as against you.... keep in mind that it is her only way to release her angst. That realization has helped me deal with my Mom's persistent outburst.
I will keep you in my throughts and prayers that the days ahead will be better for you. I send you warm hugs and all the rocks, towels, and wine you need. Remember what Martha said..... there is a light at the end of the tunnel.....
I offer you the same (((hugs)))as everyone else. I stand very closely in your position at this time, but mom's situation is progressing so fast that it may change before I get this written. Every day is different. She has multi-infarct dementia (a combination of Alzheimers and newly found vascular dementia). A broken hip and the vascular blockage was what started the spiral downhill in April. In moderate AD, she was still living alone at home with careful supervision. Both children and the neighbors kept an eye on her. She was still able to cook and get out and plant flowers when she fell and broke her hip. I took her for xrays and in 3 hours I watched her cognition drop to what I then thought was near no sense of self. The whole ordeal was a mess with the ER doctor telling me to take her home because there was no broken bone. The nurses had watched what happened and knew it wasn't safe for me to take her home. They finally called the hospitalist, had the ER doctor overruled, admitted her feeling no pain with hip, and in the next three days an ortho surgeon happened to be in radiology and someone asked him to look at mother's film. I found a note from him on the end of bed on the 4th day with the fracture marked and telling me he would return that afternoon. We then started a battle of specialists. He wanted to put pins in the hip. The neurologist and internal medicine thought it to be to risky and wanted to do surgery on the vascular blockage of 80% on the left side. Surgery was scheduled and cancelled 5 times and settled only after she spent a week in NH waiting for an appt. 70 mi. away with a vascular surgeon to make the decision. He took one look and said to do the hip surgery. When xrayed, she had shattered the hip ball during the weight, and it now required a much bigger surgery. Surgery was done a month after the hip was broken with all hopes that she would walk again unassisted. It never happened, and she's never been able to return home. Her cognition was past understanding or caring about doctor's orders. Everytime the staff or I would turn our head, she was up walking on the broken hip. It's hard to fight free will and determination! All this was in May, she took skilled therapy through June to restore her walking. After several falls and TIA's, her cognition was dropping as her hip improved. Anyway, the story goes on and on...
Basically, I wanted to let you know that I can empathize with you. I had a fist come at me and was kicked several times after surgery trying to keep her from standing and hurting herself. When she went to the NH, she thought that I was responsible and keeping her there. She thought my brother was working on getting her a new house and getting her out. By this time, I thought that she had dropped to the point of not knowing where home was. Social workers had advised us to make the time long before we attempted to take her back there. Out of curiosity, I drove her on a ride through the neighborhood that she had lived in for 25 years about this time. Gradually, I drove her by her own home. She did not recognize it.
Her therapist and surgeon came to my rescue several times, and if you haven't tried enlisting the help of someone working with her, by all means do so. They knew the situation and would come to her room and explain to her that she could not leave the facility at the point she was at. This led her to believe, as I had told her, that it was doctor's orders that she stay and get better at walking before leaving. This took alot of pressure off me as they told her that there was nothing much I could do. She was the one who had to get better. I was there to help and they were proud to see it. These few words from them, she took as true authority. They reinforced it several times, and it helped me greatly. She began asking me when the doctor was going to let her leave instead of blaming it all on me. If you haven't used this help, by all means talk to her doctors or a social worker. I'm very surprised that the first thing they told you was not to be very careful before you decided to take her home for a visit. I think that was the first words I heard after mother was admitted. I came to the point last Monday of walking in and her not knowing who I was or my name. I didn't understand 10 words of an hour conversation. I've never seen such fast progression. This lasted all week. She knew neither me nor my brother. I went in last night and saw a smile as I came toward her for the first time in a week. She knew my name, my brother. We had a long talk about my father and how they loved raising us. She said that she had been practicing and counted from 1 to 9. She then sang the first two lines to Amazing Grace. She ASKED for a drink. She used a straw with no problem. For a week, she had been just chewing on it, and it was thought she had forgotten how. All so unusual...and a little scary! I'll be thinking of you, but please remember this. Anyone will tell you, that the end you are catching is usually that of the one person closest to them. It is the disease talking and not your mother.