dotters

Through no fault of her own, our 84 year old dear mother while carrying groceries to her own car, was knocked down by a car backing out of a parking space. She endured 1 emergency hip surgery and an elective surgery and spent 6 months convalescing. Family provided 24 hour attendance during the hospital stay. We saw dramatic personality changes, including severe depression. Had we not been present, she may have died.

We feel the accident exacerbated her mental challenges.

I sold my own condo and moved in to help her in her home. We did a lot of homework and research, learning about cognitive decline,memory loss, dementia etc. We built a plan. almost 3 years later, she is still in her own home, but it is taking 3 daughters, 2 of them a lot of travelling, to keep her there. She is lonely, but we have to facilitate her getting out to meet new people. We have no outside help. We are exhausted. Mum at present resides during the day at home alone with no company. We are not happy with this. We are all exhausted and our own health is deteriorating as a direct result. We have a good comprehension of possible caregiving resources and alternatives, but at present we need to deal with some of her physical ailments to prevent other ailments from developing.

For some time now our biggest challenge (sorry for spelling) has been getting mum to accept care from anyone but her daughters. She has refused most efforts. It takes a lot of finesse on the part of the youngest sister in particular. Mum has ailments that need to be addressed. Our last effort failed and left us very unhappy. On top of her usual pains, Mum has an unusual mole that needs to be removed. We drove her to the doctor. She refused to get out of the car. Inside the doctor's office, the secretary did not volunteer to come out and try to coax my mother in. She made no effort to consult the nurse or the family doctor. I was informed by the secretary that mum should be placed in a nursing home. The mole was not removed.

We are aware of options resources including CCAC but have not yet made contact. We are aware of the waiting lists etc. In the meantime, we just want the mole removed.

My question to the members of this forum - is one that we have been coping with for several years. We are familiar with the use of little white lies, and other strategies to resolve many of our daily challenges communicating with our mother and achieving our goals where her daily care is concerned. The one challenge we have not succeeded often enough in conquering is that of our mother's refusal to attend appointments - hair, toenails, dentist, family doctor.I am hoping the members of this forum can share with me their ideas, however unusual, on how to help a person with cognitive disorder, poor ability to rationalize, memory loss, fear of being removed from the home, mistrust of the medical community, and potential for emotional catastrophe at any moment when placed under duress, attend an ambulatory care clinic for removal of an abnormal mole.

In her better days, our mother would not have left any ailment unattended, let alone a blackened mole that could be cancerous. So we have to help her through this, until the time comes when we can get reliable daily assistance in the door, or when she herself in a nursing home. Hopefully, some members here will have some ideas we have not thought of.

I apologies for the wordiness, I realize my sentences are running on a bit. Hoping for some responses soon.

Dotters.