Just when you think that things are bad, someone can make them worse, you know?
Grandma really is doing awful now....last night she was screaming and crying that "Jesus is coming to take her".....Uncle is struggling right now to care for her as he has the flu as is scared to go near her to comfort her in case she gets the germs, that would finish her off. After a long hellish night of this (no sleep of course), he gets a call from one of the "sisters". Apparently Uncle #2 had told her what went on last night and she called to say she was going to take Uncle #1 to Court so she could see her mother. This is pure insanity. No one has ever stopped her from seeing her mother. She has been "begged" to go see her mother. This is the one who pleaded last year with the doctor to have my grandmother placed in a facility, even though no one knew she was going on holidays the very next day. Does that sound like someone who wants the best for her mom? If she did, she would have been around to help with the transition. My mom calls her and told her how grandma is suffering so much because of the 3 of them abandoning her.....and as always she blames everything on Uncle. Yes, he has said some harsh things to her, but why oh why can they not see that his anger and bitterness towards them come from a 24/7 lifetime of no sleep, a demented mother, no life of his own......knowing he has 3 sisters around the corner. Isnt he entitled to be bitter? Do they really think he wants things this way? So another big argument today with mom and sister. Mom told her she would not want to be any of them and live with what they've done to their mother. Aunt says to mom that she only visits for short times and doesnt know what they go through. Aunt has seen grandma "once" this year. Mom has travelled 3000 miles - FOUR times this year and spends hours every single day on the phone. She could tell you how much grandma slept yesterday, what she ate, how many times she went to the washroom. How dare Aunt say that? I loathe my aunts now.....but I said to my mom, that Uncle should say "Hey, you want to see her? The door is open". Call her bluff! I could care less about Aunt but it breaks my heart to hear my grandma suffer, longing for them. Why can they not stop acting like children and do what they have to do, or for heavens sake, leave them alone and not make things worse. Her anger towards her brother is obviously stronger than her love for her mother.....I wish she would just get lost!
Poor grandma I believe does not have much time left......she has suffered so much....
Oh my. What an awful mess. Why is it that when our loved ones are ok, no one gives a darn about traveling to see them, care for them...no one except those that end up with the hardest job they will ever love...but when dementia/ALZ takes over, now the fighting begins.
This is a nearly impossible idea, Caroline, but what would happen if you just recused yourself out of the situation? You already know that uncle has gone far beyond that which an ordinary person would do. You already know that no one has restricted sisters from visiting. You already know that grandma may be literally going to see Jesus very soon. You know. The fighting will do nothing but make a bad situation ever so much worse.
You can't affect what other people do, say, think or feel. You only have control over what YOU do, say, think and feel. Try really hard to REFUSE to be drug down into the mud over this. You know the truth. God knows the truth. Nothing else matters, does it?
I echo what little deb has said. You cannot change your uncle's determiation to do what he is doing. In facilitating his choices you yourself have admitted that he has said ugly things to the sisters. The sisters have returned those ugly sentiments and feel unwelcome. So many cannot let go of anger for any reason and your family is a prime example. It all become a self fulfilling situation. One barks and they all start barking at each other. Somehow you get drug into the fray.
Know you cannot change any of them. They can only change themselves. Is your angst going to benefit anybody? Is it going to change your aunts or uncles? Is it only going to drag YOU down? "Grant me the courage to change those things I can. Grant me the patience to accept those things I can't change. Grant me the wisdom to know the difference!" Words to live by. Keep your spirits up for the little one to come and the bigger one you have with you now. Don't transfer this angst to a fourth generation. Your Grandmother would not want that.......
The hardest thing to do is to walk away. Turn your back and walk away. Nothing you can say or do is going to change their minds because they aren't listening to you. They don't hear you-or if they do, they aren't listening to the words you are saying. They are so caught up in their anger at each other that they neglect to see the true issue-which is their mother.
We just had a man here who lost his mother. While she lay dying from cancer his two sister were arguing over who should have control of the woman's money. How insane! The true reason to be there was to give comfort and to relish the few moment that were left with the woman who had brought you into the world and nurtured you and gave you life.
How foolish we are as humans to not realise that we need to appreciate those last moments if we are lucky enough to be able to share them with our mothers and fathers.
I had a saying pop up on my calendar yesterday. "What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for others?" I think too often we tend to forget that in the hustle and bustle of life.
But you, my dear, need to shut your ears to it. You need to keep your back straight and your mind clear and calm. This hatred does not need to be brought forward into the next generation. It is not good for our wee one and it isn't good for you to stress about it either. Please just let it go..
There are alot more crazy people out there than our mothers told us there were. We don't need to participate in their craziness. We can recognize craziness for what it is...and move on...MOVE ON dear....
Caroline, dear, easy to say, not so easy to do, but yes, like the others have said, you have to let it go. Nobody gains, and you, mom, and Uncle are probably the only ones who are really caring about her and aching because of it! Of course Uncle is going to be cranky! It's hard enough to have the flu when you don't have to do anything but lay around and let someone else take care of you. I can't even imagine how hard it must be on him to be trying to care for her without infecting her and not getting the healing rest he needs himself!
Those who aren't willing to visit and help out have no place sticking their noses into it! I think you're spot on to call their bluff! There'll be some excuse why they can't come after all! Gotta make it clear, and best in writing, too, that the door is always open for them. Keep a copy for yourself (or uncle)! It may come in handy later on.
This falls under the category of caretaker abuse. I hope your uncle knows how much you love and support him.
Hang in there. One day at a time... Take a long bubble bath with a glass of wine and some Frank Sinatra in the background.
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