My mother in law arrived today. It was quite an ordeal getting her here. My husband (her son, of course) went out to AZ to pick her up, cleaned out her stuff, shipped most of her stuff to us, and attempted to bring her back. They did fine for the first flight, but the airline had overbooked and bumped them for their connection! So here's this 85 year old confused woman in a hotel room with hubby, with me listening over the phone as he tried to get her to understand that they weren't at our house. He finally convinced her that we didn't live at a hotel, only for her to get all upset saying the police were going to come and get her because she was in a hotel instead of where she was supposed to be!
And that's pretty much how it's been. She asked me this afternoon (now that they're here) who that heavy set man is who lives here. Now I was confused. I asked her if she meant Steve, her son, my husband, who is slim and trim. She did mean him, but insists that his name isn't Steve. She's going from one thought to another with no transition, rhyme, or reason. We were sitting at the big wooden kitchen table and I mentioned that I was going back to church tonight. She asked why, then asked how I was going to take the table with me, since it didn't fold up. (Huh?) I thought of all the advice I've read here and decided not to try to make it make sense to her. I just assured her that it came apart. She was satisfied, and she didn't notice that I failed to take the kitchen table to church with me. We just finished putting her to bed, sleeping in pajama bottoms, a t-shirt, and a long black slip over them. We tried to convince her to take the slip off, but she didn't get it. We decided it really doesn't matter what she sleeps in. Let her feel like she has some control over something.
So far, so good, but I know there are going to be big ups and downs. I've continued to read here everyday and am just drinking in all the good advice. I've learned so much before I even got started. Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement!
Do you put a bib on your messy parent? I don't want her to feel like we're not respecting her, but everything she eats is illustrated on the front of her clothing.
And I washed the dirty clothing she had so far from her suitcase and now she has informed me that tomorrow she wants to iron all her clothing. I don't think so! How do I tell her that she can't iron? For the record, I do not iron. The ironing board is heavy and with my back issues, standing in front of it moving that iron back and forth is just too much. I decided a long time ago that shirts can be hung on hangers to help keep the wrinkles to a minimum, and whatever wrinkles remain can stay there! It's not worth the stress to my back. (Okay, once or twice a year, I iron the few items I own that actually need it. So I iron for about two hours a year.) I will not iron her clothing that isn't even wrinkled, and I sure don't want to trust her with an iron! This may turn into our first confrontation. Maybe I'll just tell her I don't have an iron. I hate to lie, but it's a matter of safety. I guess I just answered my own question.
Truthfully, I'm here venting because I'm seeing how frustrating and exhausting this is going to be. I'm trying to keep a sense of humor at her odd comments, trying to remind myself that she can't help not being able to process the simplest information, and have checked my towel supply --- haven't needed them yet, but thanks for providing them. I know it's coming!
I'm sure I'll be posting more than my share in the next few weeks (months? years?). I'm grateful that you all are here!
And now that she's in bed, I'm hitting the sack, too, to get a good sleep and beat her up in the morning. Um, not BEAT HER UP, but GET UP before her!
So far so good Emily.... you still have your sense of humor. You are doing well. I truly wish I had this board when I first tackled my Mom. I had my Dad but he is a piece of sweet cake compared to Mom and others.
Before you say no to ironing you might want to let her try it. That is one thing Mom does that keeps her busy. She will take an hour to iron a pair of pants and they might have wrinkles ironed into them but she enjoys it. She irons everything... including Dad's underware. Just make sure it is an automatic shut off iron and watch her until you know she's ok with it. Is there anybody you can check with to see if she was ironing before she came to you? Your other option... she probably will forget it before morning.
As for telling her something to make life better for you both.... it's not really a lie it's a necessity. Just like telling her the table folded up.... you tell them what you need to tell them to make life bearable for you all.
Your MIL sleeping in her slip over her jammy bottoms and t-shirt is excellent. You are right in that it doesn't matter. You definitely have to pick your battles and only insist on those that are important. What they sleep in is NOT important.
Dad and Mom both have a tendency to "wear their meals". Sometimes I will tuck a napkin into Dad's neck. He thinks it's cute. As hard as it is to convince him to change clothes it helps to be preventative. I have not attempted such with Mom since she tends to go back to the room and change clothes if there is a spot on them. Besides..... what's a little food when compared to the benefits of eating
Vent away.... we all do it. A burden is easier to carry when it's shared. I truly hope tomorrow goes well for you and your MIL will settle down and you will find a routine. Just keep in mine what you said yourself. Find the humor and remember she is being controlled by this horrible disease.....
Emily, congratulations on getting through the first day so well!
Yes, it does not matter what she wears,to bed or otherwise. That was a battle for me. Well, in my case, I went to live with my Mom because she was getting older and 'a little forgetful." So it took me more than a year before I even thought the word Alzheimers .. I believed I only had to expain things to her and repeat things she had forgotten.
I, too, would let her try ironing. My brother's MIL who had Alzheimers and lived with them for over 10 years used to iron all day long. She enjoyed ironing and she did it well. It kept her occupied and kept her from wandering off. You only have to make sure it's on a low setting and turns itself off when left standing for a certain amount of time, because she may forget she was ironing and leave it.
Things that keep an AD victim busy include sorting out laundry. Fresh from the dryer, she can fold, smooth or pile up laundry for you -- some of us here even messed it up and put it back in the basket for another half hour of 'therapy."
She may also enjoy drying dishes, washing dishes, sweeping, or vacuuming. Letting her do little jobs is good for her and helps her to adjust to being at your house.
From your description of her confusion over the hotel and her son, I kind of think she is in Alzheimers Stage 3 to 4. Have you had any kind of diagnosis? Is she on any of the anti AD drugs?
Good luck and keep up the good work. I love the way you reacted to taking the wooden table to church...
Hi Emily,
I'm sorry to see you on this board...it's hard to have a family member in this horrid disease. I lost my mom to it - almost a year ago...
If ironing brings comfort to your MIL-then you let her do it as long as it isn't causing her danger to herself. That's the cardinal rule here. YOu don't want to cause her harm, but it if makes her comfortable and and at peace-then let her. You don't want to pick a battle over something so insignificant as this...and besides that-You could get her to do your own ironing...in fact we could send over the stuff that we need done. HEY- you could charge by the piece. You could have a side business here and who know, a whole nother set of income! But seriously, this is one of those little things that she probably won't even remember by the time that morning comes, and if she does, she does.
You have two options. If you find that she wants to iron on a regular basis either find a corner where that heavy ironing board can be left up and it won't be in the way, or you get a newer model that is easier on everyone.
Get a new iron that has an auto shut off that will even let you leave it plate down on fabric without burning (Rowenta I believe). Make it as safe a project for her as possible.
The more eyes wide open you go into these tasks the easier it will be for all involved. Then just keep your good humor intact and just realise that the rabbit hole that she has fallen down is nowhere near your reality and you just make do the best you can. The bunnies that she can see under the bed are certainly not the same ones that were there yesterday and they won't be there tomorrow so just agree and hope that they don't reproduce before you can figure out how they got there in the first place!.....grab a towel and welcome to the club!
Last edited by ibake&pray; 10-13-2008 at 09:18 AM.
And welcome, mom! Wow. What an ordeal, no? I cannot imagine...
First of all...the bib. It's been exactly two weeks since I institued the bib with daddy. Not an actual bib. He would feel humiliated. I use the dish towel, almost like an after-thought. He likes soup, so I set him down with the soup, and then grab the towel, and while I am tucking it in his shirt collar, I say (every time), "Gosh. I just HATE IT when I dribble my soup on my clean shirt. Don't you? So let's just put this here..." and there is never any problem.
I love that she slept with a slip on. Daddy has slept naked, in shorts and tshirt, tshirt only, pj bottoms only, or even shorts, pj bottoms, tshirt, sox, slippers and a jacket! My opinion? WhatEVER. I just don't care. Sleep in a towel if you want. And you are quite right - a little control is a GOOD thing, and if it doesn't make a difference, why not?
As I read your post about the kitchen table, I had to smile. Daddy and I have those conversations. And you were totally right again - just tell her what ever you need to tell her to get off the subject. It folds up. You're coming back later to get it. You only take it on Tuesdays. Whatever.
Ironing - Wow. Yep, I would let her try it. It's funny how dad cannot remember to use the potty, but can dismantle the screen door. Ironing might still be "in there" for her. Watch carefully, unplug the iron if you can mid ironing, but let her try. Might keep her occupied for a bit. And there will come a time when keeping her occupied for even a few minutes will be Heaven.
A tip for you - Daddy is super disoriented as far as day/date. And it seems to be important to him to KNOW what day it is, so I bought a $9 Erasable White Board and put it up next to the dining room table. Every morning, while he is eating breakfast, I erase it, and start over. While I am writing, I am talking: "Today is Monday. October 13, 2008. Can you BELIEVE it's 2008? It's raining today." And day, date and weather is written on the board. It's been more helpful than you can believe.
Good luck, Blue. I will be thinking of you and praying for you all....and post often!
But seriously, this is one of those little things that she probably won't even remember by the time that morning comes, and if she does, she does.
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