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Old 10-12-2008, 07:00 PM   #1
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She's here!

Hi all!

My mother in law arrived today. It was quite an ordeal getting her here. My husband (her son, of course) went out to AZ to pick her up, cleaned out her stuff, shipped most of her stuff to us, and attempted to bring her back. They did fine for the first flight, but the airline had overbooked and bumped them for their connection! So here's this 85 year old confused woman in a hotel room with hubby, with me listening over the phone as he tried to get her to understand that they weren't at our house. He finally convinced her that we didn't live at a hotel, only for her to get all upset saying the police were going to come and get her because she was in a hotel instead of where she was supposed to be!

And that's pretty much how it's been. She asked me this afternoon (now that they're here) who that heavy set man is who lives here. Now I was confused. I asked her if she meant Steve, her son, my husband, who is slim and trim. She did mean him, but insists that his name isn't Steve. She's going from one thought to another with no transition, rhyme, or reason. We were sitting at the big wooden kitchen table and I mentioned that I was going back to church tonight. She asked why, then asked how I was going to take the table with me, since it didn't fold up. (Huh?) I thought of all the advice I've read here and decided not to try to make it make sense to her. I just assured her that it came apart. She was satisfied, and she didn't notice that I failed to take the kitchen table to church with me. We just finished putting her to bed, sleeping in pajama bottoms, a t-shirt, and a long black slip over them. We tried to convince her to take the slip off, but she didn't get it. We decided it really doesn't matter what she sleeps in. Let her feel like she has some control over something.

So far, so good, but I know there are going to be big ups and downs. I've continued to read here everyday and am just drinking in all the good advice. I've learned so much before I even got started. Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement!

Do you put a bib on your messy parent? I don't want her to feel like we're not respecting her, but everything she eats is illustrated on the front of her clothing.

And I washed the dirty clothing she had so far from her suitcase and now she has informed me that tomorrow she wants to iron all her clothing. I don't think so! How do I tell her that she can't iron? For the record, I do not iron. The ironing board is heavy and with my back issues, standing in front of it moving that iron back and forth is just too much. I decided a long time ago that shirts can be hung on hangers to help keep the wrinkles to a minimum, and whatever wrinkles remain can stay there! It's not worth the stress to my back. (Okay, once or twice a year, I iron the few items I own that actually need it. So I iron for about two hours a year.) I will not iron her clothing that isn't even wrinkled, and I sure don't want to trust her with an iron! This may turn into our first confrontation. Maybe I'll just tell her I don't have an iron. I hate to lie, but it's a matter of safety. I guess I just answered my own question.

Truthfully, I'm here venting because I'm seeing how frustrating and exhausting this is going to be. I'm trying to keep a sense of humor at her odd comments, trying to remind myself that she can't help not being able to process the simplest information, and have checked my towel supply --- haven't needed them yet, but thanks for providing them. I know it's coming!

I'm sure I'll be posting more than my share in the next few weeks (months? years?). I'm grateful that you all are here!

And now that she's in bed, I'm hitting the sack, too, to get a good sleep and beat her up in the morning. Um, not BEAT HER UP, but GET UP before her!

Thank you again!
Blessings,
Emily

 
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Old 10-12-2008, 11:11 PM   #2
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Re: She's here!

So far so good Emily.... you still have your sense of humor. You are doing well. I truly wish I had this board when I first tackled my Mom. I had my Dad but he is a piece of sweet cake compared to Mom and others.

Before you say no to ironing you might want to let her try it. That is one thing Mom does that keeps her busy. She will take an hour to iron a pair of pants and they might have wrinkles ironed into them but she enjoys it. She irons everything... including Dad's underware. Just make sure it is an automatic shut off iron and watch her until you know she's ok with it. Is there anybody you can check with to see if she was ironing before she came to you? Your other option... she probably will forget it before morning.

As for telling her something to make life better for you both.... it's not really a lie it's a necessity. Just like telling her the table folded up.... you tell them what you need to tell them to make life bearable for you all.

Your MIL sleeping in her slip over her jammy bottoms and t-shirt is excellent. You are right in that it doesn't matter. You definitely have to pick your battles and only insist on those that are important. What they sleep in is NOT important.

Dad and Mom both have a tendency to "wear their meals". Sometimes I will tuck a napkin into Dad's neck. He thinks it's cute. As hard as it is to convince him to change clothes it helps to be preventative. I have not attempted such with Mom since she tends to go back to the room and change clothes if there is a spot on them. Besides..... what's a little food when compared to the benefits of eating

Vent away.... we all do it. A burden is easier to carry when it's shared. I truly hope tomorrow goes well for you and your MIL will settle down and you will find a routine. Just keep in mine what you said yourself. Find the humor and remember she is being controlled by this horrible disease.....

Love, deb

 
Old 10-13-2008, 03:26 AM   #3
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Re: She's here!

Emily, congratulations on getting through the first day so well!

Yes, it does not matter what she wears,to bed or otherwise. That was a battle for me. Well, in my case, I went to live with my Mom because she was getting older and 'a little forgetful." So it took me more than a year before I even thought the word Alzheimers .. I believed I only had to expain things to her and repeat things she had forgotten.

I, too, would let her try ironing. My brother's MIL who had Alzheimers and lived with them for over 10 years used to iron all day long. She enjoyed ironing and she did it well. It kept her occupied and kept her from wandering off. You only have to make sure it's on a low setting and turns itself off when left standing for a certain amount of time, because she may forget she was ironing and leave it.

Things that keep an AD victim busy include sorting out laundry. Fresh from the dryer, she can fold, smooth or pile up laundry for you -- some of us here even messed it up and put it back in the basket for another half hour of 'therapy."

She may also enjoy drying dishes, washing dishes, sweeping, or vacuuming. Letting her do little jobs is good for her and helps her to adjust to being at your house.

From your description of her confusion over the hotel and her son, I kind of think she is in Alzheimers Stage 3 to 4. Have you had any kind of diagnosis? Is she on any of the anti AD drugs?

Good luck and keep up the good work. I love the way you reacted to taking the wooden table to church...

Love,

Martha

 
Old 10-13-2008, 08:16 AM   #4
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Re: She's here!

Hi Emily,
I'm sorry to see you on this board...it's hard to have a family member in this horrid disease. I lost my mom to it - almost a year ago...

If ironing brings comfort to your MIL-then you let her do it as long as it isn't causing her danger to herself. That's the cardinal rule here. YOu don't want to cause her harm, but it if makes her comfortable and and at peace-then let her. You don't want to pick a battle over something so insignificant as this...and besides that-You could get her to do your own ironing...in fact we could send over the stuff that we need done. HEY- you could charge by the piece. You could have a side business here and who know, a whole nother set of income! But seriously, this is one of those little things that she probably won't even remember by the time that morning comes, and if she does, she does.

You have two options. If you find that she wants to iron on a regular basis either find a corner where that heavy ironing board can be left up and it won't be in the way, or you get a newer model that is easier on everyone.
Get a new iron that has an auto shut off that will even let you leave it plate down on fabric without burning (Rowenta I believe). Make it as safe a project for her as possible.

The more eyes wide open you go into these tasks the easier it will be for all involved. Then just keep your good humor intact and just realise that the rabbit hole that she has fallen down is nowhere near your reality and you just make do the best you can. The bunnies that she can see under the bed are certainly not the same ones that were there yesterday and they won't be there tomorrow so just agree and hope that they don't reproduce before you can figure out how they got there in the first place!.....grab a towel and welcome to the club!

Last edited by ibake&pray; 10-13-2008 at 08:18 AM.

 
Old 10-13-2008, 02:55 PM   #5
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Re: She's here!

Well, welcome back, BlueAtlas!

And welcome, mom! Wow. What an ordeal, no? I cannot imagine...

First of all...the bib. It's been exactly two weeks since I institued the bib with daddy. Not an actual bib. He would feel humiliated. I use the dish towel, almost like an after-thought. He likes soup, so I set him down with the soup, and then grab the towel, and while I am tucking it in his shirt collar, I say (every time), "Gosh. I just HATE IT when I dribble my soup on my clean shirt. Don't you? So let's just put this here..." and there is never any problem.

I love that she slept with a slip on. Daddy has slept naked, in shorts and tshirt, tshirt only, pj bottoms only, or even shorts, pj bottoms, tshirt, sox, slippers and a jacket! My opinion? WhatEVER. I just don't care. Sleep in a towel if you want. And you are quite right - a little control is a GOOD thing, and if it doesn't make a difference, why not?

As I read your post about the kitchen table, I had to smile. Daddy and I have those conversations. And you were totally right again - just tell her what ever you need to tell her to get off the subject. It folds up. You're coming back later to get it. You only take it on Tuesdays. Whatever.

Ironing - Wow. Yep, I would let her try it. It's funny how dad cannot remember to use the potty, but can dismantle the screen door. Ironing might still be "in there" for her. Watch carefully, unplug the iron if you can mid ironing, but let her try. Might keep her occupied for a bit. And there will come a time when keeping her occupied for even a few minutes will be Heaven.

A tip for you - Daddy is super disoriented as far as day/date. And it seems to be important to him to KNOW what day it is, so I bought a $9 Erasable White Board and put it up next to the dining room table. Every morning, while he is eating breakfast, I erase it, and start over. While I am writing, I am talking: "Today is Monday. October 13, 2008. Can you BELIEVE it's 2008? It's raining today." And day, date and weather is written on the board. It's been more helpful than you can believe.

Good luck, Blue. I will be thinking of you and praying for you all....and post often!

...lil' deb

 
Old 10-13-2008, 08:21 PM   #6
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Re: She's here!

Little Deb... your dry erase board is the equivalent of Mom and Dad's newspaper. It is also what keeps them occupied. Mom gets the paper in the morning and reads it. Dad picks it up as soon as he is dressed and he reads it. It lays on the stool in the den with them reading it alternately all day. At any point, when they want to know what day it is, they look at the top of any page of the newspaper. This is an ingrained habit they share and the newpaper is the best money we spend.

There is also a clock that you can get which has the day, date, and time in large numbers. It is one of the atomic clocks that is updated to the correct time daily so it's always right and only cost about $20. Mom and Dad have one. Neither have learned to check it. They keep going back to the newspaper and the old fashion wind up clock. Therefore somebody has to show up every few days to wind the clock. Creating habits early can be important.... they don't do well with change.

Hope everything went well today Emily.....

Love, deb

 
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Old 10-14-2008, 06:19 AM   #7
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Re: She's here!

Thank you all for your advice and support again! Okay, I'll let her try ironing if it comes up again. Like you said, she had forgotten by morning. I love the folding idea. I've got a basket of old towels all ready for her today, and I'll dump them back into the basket for another go round later in the day when she's done! She doesn't seem to want to do anything. No cards, no puzzles. We watched an old movie, but she commented on how long it was after the first 20 minutes or so. We sat out back, then sat out front, then walked up the street. She read a news magazine for quite a while. That was a nice break! My first full day I really just wanted to see what she would/could do. I've learned that she'll put things in very strange places. She carefully carried her denture cup from the bathroom to the laundry room and placed it on top of the washing machine. She showered (yea!) and then carefully took her wet towel and hung it up and my son's dry towel and put it in my bedroom. She was willing to go to Bible study with me this morning, but she's still asleep. I figure, you don't wake a sleeping baby, and you don't wake a sleeping ALZ!

She's eating well! She had lost a lot of weight, and I think it was because she wasn't being given food! My husband said she and her husband missed two meals while he was out there because they just forgot to go to the dining hall at the right time. I weighed her yesterday so we can have a starting point to go by.

And I ordered her a hearing aid. She lost her expensive one someplace in the apartment before she came here. She can't hear a blessed thing I say, though she can hear my husband's lower voice just fine. I yelled all day long yesterday. When we were sitting on the front porch yesterday, I could hear my voice echoing in the cul-de-sac. I'm sure the neighbors were wondering who was creating the racket in our quiet neighborhood. This cheap hearing aid may not be as good as her old one, but she's probably going to lose it again anyway. I'll just keep ordering cheap ones for her over and over if necessary. She can't understand me because she can't hear me, and I can't understand her because she doesn't make any sense. We're quite a pair! I'm getting very good at the smiling nod though.

Ibake, it's so nice to see you here! You've been missed! Good thing I like bunnies. They're delicious!

Off for a new day...

Emily

 
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Old 10-14-2008, 07:24 AM   #8
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Re: She's here!

Emily, make sure you take anything of value away from her as she won't remember where she has put it. It took me 18 months to find mom's diamond pendand that finally showed up in a pill container in a suitacase destined for the trash.....


 
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Old 10-14-2008, 03:40 PM   #9
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Re: She's here!

I agree with IBake. If at all possible make the "good stuff" disappear. As Ibake, we searched for Nannie's diamond ring forever and finally found it in a bandaid box which WAS in the pre-trash. We didn't throw anything out until we looked in every nook and craney. There was cash in old magazines as well.

You are right not to wake her up Emily. The more rested they are the better thay function and some do take more sleep than others. My Dad sleeps 12-13 hours a day where as my Mom is lucky if she sleeps 6. Glad she is eating well too. It is a good idea to get a base line weight on her so you know where you are going and what needs to be done.

I can also relate to the hearing aid problem. Neither of my parents can hear. Dad is the worse but he NEVER forgets to put his hearing aids in both ears. He still can't hear on the phone and his general hearing is still below par even with the hearing aids. He has the older cheaper analoge hearing aids. We tried getting him new digital ones but he can't figure out how to use them. Mom on the other hand has a relatively new expensive digital hearing aid and refuses to put it in her ears. She can't hear but if you mention the hearing aid she will tell you she hears all she wants to hear. I have also so noticed she uses it as a reason she can't comprehend or remember.... she just says "I didn't hear you". I felt like you when I am t Mom and Dad's. I am sure those in the next apartment can hear out conversation. I have found that if I lower my voice pitch, Dad in particular, hears me better.

I do hope your day went well. Remember that sometimes they don't want to go to the trouble to figure out how to do anything so if they are just sitting and not causing problem..... let it be.

Love, deb

 
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Old 10-14-2008, 05:04 PM   #10
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Re: She's here!

Emily and Deb....
Can I ask you both - with regards to the hearing aids, did your parents always wear them? Or is this part of the dementia or both? Sometimes my uncle will try to put her on the phone, and I think that she gets confused and cant answer me....is it possible she cant hear me???? I wonder if this would help a little for her? When I read everyone's posts...I look here and there for something, a little thing here and there that will give the poor woman a little relief.....

Love, Caroline xo

 
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Old 10-14-2008, 05:52 PM   #11
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Re: She's here!

It could be either or both Caroline. Mom doesn't hear well, we know that, but even when she wears her hearing aid it is confusing. Sometimes I think she doesn't wear it because it's easier for her not to know what is being said. My Dad always wears his. He listens and his vascular dementia lets him process what he hears... and then he forgets it.

In late mid stages and late stages of ALZ there are issues with speech, communication, and comprehension that are a result of the dementia and not hearing. They tend to lose their words. They can't figure out how to say what they want to say. It is easier just not to say it. They also have problems comprehending what is being said to them.

So there is no way to know if it would be beneficial to her or not. You would need a hearing test and try it to see. But then you have the issue of trying to help her learn to use a new device. We were lucky that Dad had his hearing aids long before he had his dementia. Mom didn't. She forgets it and doesn't like to wear it.

Hope this helped.... maybe. Like everything else in dementia there is no easy black and white answer. It depends on the loved one.

Love..... deb

 
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Old 10-15-2008, 04:01 AM   #12
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Re: She's here!

Just like Ibake and Deb said anything valuable should be put somewhere for keeping. We have lost & found some many of Mom's things. She has lost and never found her daimond ring and her mothers ring. Her wallet and check book which she insist on holding is misplaced on a daily basis. One good thing she is pretty much house bound except for drs apts these days so I always know what is lost is still in the house. Just like you said Emily, I have often come home to find things in the oddest places. I either put them back where they go or just leave them. Those are the small little events that happen, the moving around of stuff so I figure if it occupies her mind then let her be.
You will find Emily every day will to be a new adventure. You will be hopping! I wish you all the best.

Love Pauline

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Old 10-15-2008, 07:43 AM   #13
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Re: She's here!

Caroline,

It may not be that she can't hear you so much that she can't see you to process what you are saying. She watches your face when you talk to her and that helps her interpret what you are saying. And she may read lips some. When she can't see you it confuses her. The words come at her out of a machine and that is confusing....how did you get in that little thing to talk to her? Why don't you just stand still in front of her instead of crawling into that little thing? Remember that her reality is altered now. Having just the words come at her can be too much too fast for her to process it and to be able to format an answer.

She may also be slightly deaf and be reading lips and watching you visually to process your facial expressions for a clue as to what you are talking about..

 
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Old 10-21-2008, 01:09 PM   #14
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Re: She's here!

sorry I have not congradulated you,,, was a termendous start to a long journey for both of you... I like your sense of humor and look forward to your adventures with your mil... I do think that you need to help your mil help you. I mean if she likes doing the dishes go for it, you need to find out what amuses her so that when you need a break you can take it. somewhat like a little puppy, fun to play with but after awhile everyone needs a break and I don't think they make kennels big enough for your MIL...and the law frowns on things like that

 
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Old 10-21-2008, 01:11 PM   #15
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Re: She's here!

sorry I have not congradulated you,,,

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