Let me introduce myself - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

polina · 10-13-2008, 08:53 AM

Hi Everyone,

I read these boards faithfully every day and have found a wealth of information from everybody. I feel it is time to to introduce myself to all.
The day my Dad stood in the drive way of his home with tears in his eyes as I was leaving after having visited with he and my mom, was the day I realized this man is completely overwhelmed and consumed with all my mom's medical conditions. That was the day I decided it was necessary for me to move back home and help out. Well, it has been four years to the day since. My mom as far as I can remember has always had health issues from Breast Cancer 3 times to a massive Gi bleed last November that she almost died from. She has had numerous hospital admissions and many of them have been ICU admissions. The past year she has been struggling with CHF. Every day is a struggle for her. All these medical set backs and hospitilizations has caused a great deal of confusion and agiation for her. Since the massive bleed episode she has never really bounced back with her cognitive abilities. Her geriactric physcologist has dx her with frontal lobe dementia. I would say she is stage 5. Although every day is challenging I would say the hardest thing I have observed is my Dad he is on a whole different level then her physically and cognitively and doesn't seem to accept the fact that she can no longer do the things she once could. She can no longer cook. She can no longer do her own check book. She can no longer hold to involved of a conversation. She barely eats. He still wants her to be able to do those things and has a tendancy to get aggravated at her and pushes her to the brink of where she becomes highly agitated and then all hell breaks loose. I have tried so many times to give him tips on how to deal with her. I guess it all comes down to he needs to have acceptance of the fact that she is not the person she used to be. The sooner he does the better it will be for us all. I know she is not the mom I always knew. I accept her for who she is now and leave it at that.. He has done so much for her through the years has always been there for her during all of her problems. It is hard to say anything to him without coming across as critical.
It is such a process that will take some time.

After reading these boards for almost a year now I wanted to introduce myself to all of you, and tell you all how very helpul everyone has been.
I am sure I will be posting often.

Pauline

DrewsG · 10-13-2008, 09:41 AM

Welcome Pauline, I'm glad you decided to post. I did the same thing as you. I read for quite awhile before I posted. You have a set of problems that I have never had to face. My Grandma accepted my Grandpas ALZ after awhile. Of course Gram always did everything at the house anyway. I did have a problem talking her into hiring someone to do the grass and small repairs. She only agreed after Gramp did not know how to start the lawnmower. He also decided to take the garage door off after he couldn't get it open. It had an automatic opener of course. Those were some hard days to get through for her. I guess its something your Dad is not willing at this time to accept. Your job has to be a hard one.
Again, Welcome. Sorry you have to be here but its a wonderful place to come to for comfort and support.
Chris

ibake&pray · 10-13-2008, 09:54 AM

Welcome Pauline...
I'm sorry to hear about your Mom..and Dad. It must be very hard for your father to see the woman he loves not respond to him the way he remembers her. Your wrote "the sooner he does the better it will be for all of us." Honey, your dad may never be able to accept that the way you want him to. He wants the woman back that he was married to. He may understand mentally why she can't do all of the things that she used to do, but emotionally he doesn't get it. He's still looking for her to come back to him as she was.

My father took care of my mom who had Alzheimers. He accepted the disease, but he still kept looking for his wife to come back to him. He mourned for her, he missed his wife and wanted her back. Your father is the same way. He wants her back the way she was. He wants his life back like he had and he can't understand why he can't have it. If she would only try a little harder he's sure she could do the stuff that she has always done.

It's not that he's being stubborn. And he truly does believe that she has been damaged by the bleed, but he just can't get away from the fact that he really really wants her back like she was. He'll even agree that he knows that she needs rehab and that there are issues...I went through this with my father. Logical to the end..he just wanted his wife back.

I hurt for you and your father and your mother. You are in a no win situation. Try to have patience with your Daddy. He doesn't mean to be wrong. In his mind he is right and in his heart he just wants her well and happy and his family back...is that too much to ask for? My prayers for all of you. You will need the patience of Job, my dear. Please come and post often..and welcome

Gabriel · 10-13-2008, 12:00 PM

I want to add my welcome Pauline and throw you a few towels.... even if you have picked up a few on your journey through the forum here. I am truly sorry you need to be here but I am glad you have decided to post. I didn't find this board until well into my journey and was so frustrated I posted the first night... it was the best thing I have done for me

I can relate to the Mom Dad battles the ensue because they don't understand the other's condition. I have lived it for several years now as well. When Dad was diagnosed with Dementia (originally they said ALZ but it turned out to be Vascular) Mom accepted and cared for him for years. She never complained. Then she declared herself depressed from caring for Dad and later we discovered she is the one with ALZ. Her depression was brought on when she realized her cognitive abilities were failing. Dad was the first to say out loud that "Mom is acting like a demented old lady". The pot calling the kettle black. Mom has lost acceptance of Dad's dementia and has no clue that she is as bad as he is now. She is unhappy and can't figure out why so she blames him. He takes it for a while and then realizes he can't please her so he gets aggitated. His aggitation feeds hers and hers feeds his and yes.....all hell breaks loose. We are going on year four.....

Mom and Dad are now in Assisted Living. None of us lived close enough nor were we able to move in without leaving hubbies, families, and jobs. We tried rotating visits and in home care but it is so difficult for one person to care for two patients. Since I was the only one with no "real" job, I ended up at Mom and Dad's more than I was home for a year. Every time I returned home some disaster struck and I was back on the road. The worst was the Mom Dad disagreements.

The other girls are right, your Dad may never accept the reality of the situation. You do have your hands full and I admire your persistence. Keep typing. Know we have towels, wine, and rocks, along with great shoulders, listening ears, and occassionally some good advice. I am sure some of your experiences will be helpful to us as well. I will keep you, your Mom, and your Dad in my thoughts and prayers.....

Love, deb

skimps46 · 10-13-2008, 03:42 PM

Welcome aboard, Polina!

My, my, what a big chunk of life you have chosen to chew! I don't know how you do it, frankly. I take care of daddy, and I have a fam of my own, but when mom was hit with CHF and Alzheimers, I was 4 states away. I could not have done what you are doing - both parents. I know deb gabriel did it for a long time - and I sure don't have it in ME to take care of two.

Daddy is enough of a challenge. But before mom passed, I did fly home (4 times a year), and found her completely out of her head. Walking around in her bra and daddy's jockey shorts, swinging her cane like Conseco behind the plate, and going outside in that get-up. Fortunately, she passed three weeks later. But through it all, daddy took care of her. Till the day she died.

Then, when she was gone, he went downhill like an alpine skiier. Seriously. One day, he was fine, the next he was walking into stranger's houses thinking he was at his own house. That's how he ended up with me, here in Colorado.

And you know what? She's been gone 4 years now, and daddy does not remember her any more, but every now and again, out of the fog, he will say, "Mom. Sad." I think he means MY mom. And he never did accept that she was going to pass. Even when she did.

So, honey, don't expect dad to accept that which is. In order for him to accept it, he must recognize it for what it is - a disease. So love them both, real hard, and don't neglect yourself.

I am cyber-sending you a towel, and rocks. If you have been reading these blogs, you know why we need both. (My dad went through a 3 month period of collecting rocks from the street, the yard, the flower beds - and that's where we get our supply as it seems we now have 14 tons of rocks all over the place.)

Welcome, Polina. Post often. It will save your sanity. Really.

...lil' deb