Mom is getting so much worse. I've been spending much more time with her and its never enough. Her little mind is failing fast again. I'm having her checked for a UTI but I really don't think thats the problem. Besides the dementia she has a host of medical problems any of which could cause confusion. I have my Grandson so there is no time for tears today. I really feel like screaming and throwing something but I can't when he is here. Mom called and didn't know where she was or how she got there. But she always knows how to call me. She just breaks my heart over and over. You think you will somehow get a harder shell to keep out the pain you feel but it hurts just as bad as the first time. I want this hell over.................I want her fear to be over. She knows. She has to know. I want to "fix" this for her. I can't.
I know no one can help.
I just wanted to vent some of my pain away. I'll do something with Drew and pretend that all is good. Tonight I'll have a good cry.
Thanks for listening.
Chris, Grab hold of the towel and hang on tight girl! it's hard being the grown up isn't it? I don't remember where I signed up to be the big person in this story and I certainly don't want the job any more! Being the sandwich generation isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Take a deep breath, let it out slowly and relax all of your muscles starting at your head and work down to your toes. Now shake all of your arms and legs to loosen out your tension. Stand up straight and stretch up to the stars as if you can reach them and grab one to hang on to. Better? Good!
Now I have something for you to think about..."What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for others?"
Hang in there hon, we'll all help you get through this. It sucks. been there, done that, got the damn shirt. Hold tight to the towel, we won't let you down or adrift.....
I'm right here with you also Chris. I understand and feel your frustration. Turn to the dear precious Drew and know there is joy there if you will grab it. You Mom is well cared for and safe. You are doing all you can. This disease is heart wrenching and tears us apart just as it does the one that has it. The difference is that we can rationalize. So take another deep breath and exhale the tention trapped within you. Focus on Drew and his laughter. Remember that you are a great daughter and a great grandmother. Most of all you are a great person that is doing all she can do. Help yourself and Drew for now. Then have a glass of wine and a long hot bath with that good cry tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.....
I will keep you and your Mom in my thoughts and prayers.
I wonder why the whole world does not know how hard this is for us, and for the thousands like us that are caring for our loved ones with dementia/Alzheimers. It's like we are dying a little along with our loved ones, isn't it?
Here's my last Care Bear towel, Chris. I got a corner, Deb has a corner, ibake has a corner, Martha has the center, and we're gonna pull you through this, I swear.
My heart breaks for you. But isn't it amazing that God saw fit for Drew to be there with you today? There is no sadness without a glimmer of happiness thrown in. Look at his little face, Chris. That is the hope of the future. Rejoice in that, and with mom - hold on tight. We got 'ya.
She always somehow knows how to reach you. That means a lot! Deep down inside, she knows how much you love her, even in her confusion, and she knows you'll always be ready for her at the other end of that phone! You're loving her well, Chris. Rest in that. None of us has power over this, but we do whatever IS within our power, and that's what you're doing for her. Bask in that precious new generation, little Drew, and let your spirit be renewed as you enjoy him.
I'm new at this, but I've got one end of a towel, too, and would love to hang on with you! Vent as you need to, dear Chris, and keep taking it one day at a time.
Thank you all so much for your very kind words and of course the towels. Your truly my dear friends. I plan on having that glass of wine later deb. I feel closer to all of you than I do my friends that I've had for 35 years. I don't talk to them too much about Mom. I seem to drone on and on and they try but in the end they can't relate. So I try not to be the "downer" when we talk or meet. They just know that I'm very hurt and hanging on. Barely.......
I know that you all understand. You don't judge anyone for venting. The fact that your all hurting in one way or the other and still find time to reach out, does not escape me. I'll try to be off of this "pity party" tomorrow. I think its making me sick.
Of course your all "right on the money" about Drew. I did look at that face after my phone calls from Mom. I told him I could use some good hugs today and he said "How many do you need? I've got alot for you Grandma. Your my buddy". Now how could I stay too sad with a little boy like that with me?
And yes, ibake, I do try to make life better for Mom and my family. And sometimes it feels so good. And then other times your right................I'm tired of being the adult. I sure didn't sign on for this job. No one has enough money to pay me to do it again. Thank God I only have one Mom.
Then of course I worry about myself and my husband. Good Lord ladies!!!!!Do you think I have a worrying Problem ???????????? I'm just in that kind of mood I guess.
The sandwich generation................STINKS. Love you all,
I am like you Drew. Sometimes I feel like I am dragging my other friends down or they just don't get it. When I am ranting about Mom's last melt down I notice they get quiet. They don't know what to say and really can not relate. But I know all of you have been there too so you definitely understand..... as I do when you are having a difficult time. There is a bond here that doesn't exist anywhere else.
As for Drew.... that is his purpose in life right now. He is there to give Gram all the hugs she needs. That is why I try to see my great niece and nephews as often as possible. There is nothing little about their hugs. They can lift you right up.
Yuo don't have a worry problem. You have what we all have.... an occassional end to that rope you are hanging on to. That's why we all have a corner of the towel that is holding you up. When you are ready you will grab that rope again. We all have down times. They are not pity parties.... they are reenergizing. It is when we need to plug in and reenergize ourselves. So have a glass of wine and a good nights sleep. The sun will come up tomorrow and hopefully it will be a better day
Children always have this wonderful affect on me that makes me feel that everything will be alright. I have found that when I am overwhelmed with Mom stuff. If I spend some time with my nieces and nephews it does me the world of good. I always come back feeling so refreshed and lifted. Having Drew in your life is a wonderful thing. Draw all the postive love and especially those great big hugs from Drew as often as you can. It will do wonders!!