This is the second fall mom has had within the month. She never really had a history of falls until recently. Which leads me to believe that she is becoming more and more unstable on her feet. She has always had some mobility problems being a diabetic she was never steady on her feet. These latest falls I think are due to her confused state of mind. Plus, she has been sitting outside a lot lately enjoying the sunshine and seems to have difficulty manuvering herself in and out of the house. After she fell today my Dad was there to help her. She busted up her lip pretty bad and her knees. About 10 minutes after she fell Her Visiting Nurse came by for her usual weekly visit. I ended up receiving a call later at work from the Visitng Nurse telling me about the fall and she told me she was very concerned over my Mom's safety at home. She feels that my mom's dementia/alz has progressed to a level that she is very confused and it is to much for my Dad to take care of her. She placed a call to her PCP and Geriatric physcologist telling them her observations. Mom has an apt to see the PCP tomorrow. The Visiting nurse would like the Doctor have her admittied into the hospital and at some point from the hospital to a N.H. She told all this to my Dad but I could tell tonight after talking with him he is aganist this. I told him it was for her own safety and for his own well being. The visiting Nurse is afraid this is taking a huge toll on him. Physically and emotionally she can see the difference in him. She has been my mom's assigned Visiting Nurse now for about a year and ahalf. So she has seen a big decline in my mom as well. I am not sure what is going to happen at the Doctor's apt. I don't think it is going to go over very well. Mom just keeps telling me she doesn't want to go back to the hospital. It breaks my heart. A decision has to be made and yet no one is willing to be the one to make that decision. I have called my brother to fill him in on the latest events. He hasn't returned my call yet. I would like to have him get on board and perhaps help out with this. I am hopeful perhaps the Doctor will convince them she needs to be placed somewhere for her own safety. It is very sad.
You have an unbiased opinion from a professional that has been observing the situation for a long time. As difficult as it is to hear what the visiting nurse had to say today.... please listen to her. The final decision, from a professional stand point will be your Mom's doctor. Then you and your brother will have to be onboard to either convince your father to go along with it or to over rule him. In your Mom's confused state you will not convince her that is it right.... and have that knowledge stay with her.
I do know what a toll caring for Dad had on Mom. I also know the toll caring for them both has had on me and my sisters. It is not an easy job and as much as your Dad wants to do it, swears he is ok, and feels the need to continue..... you know in your heart the toll it is taking on him as well.
I am sitting here typing from Mom and Dad's AL apartment. I would much rather be doing it from the home they lived in for 54 years.... but that was not to be. The day we finally conceded.. not willingly but out of necessity.. to make the decision to move them here was the hardest day of my life. Yet I know now it was exactly what they needed.
You might want to investigate having your Mom and Dad move into an AL unit together. Then he would have the help he needs and still be with her. It has been the perfect solution for Mom and Dad since they refused to be separated.
See what the doctor's decide, hope your brother is supportive, and let us know how your parents react.... and then do what you think is best.... I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers though this difficult time.
Thanks Deb for your response. Everything you said is exactly how it is.
About a year ago my brother and I approached my Dad on selling his house and moving into a brand new elderly complex that was being built right up the street from my brother. Well, he Dad did go so far to attend the meetings on it and get the paperwork and fill it out. The day the paperwork was due in he never returned it. My mom was in the hospital at that time and he said he couldn't do it. He felt all that transition of moving and a new place would throw Mom off completely. They have lived in this home for 50 years. He loves his home he is always doing something to it projects updates. He pratically built the home. I know emotionally he could not part with it. All his sweat equity is in it. Even now he is constantly outside doing something. He could never live anywhere else. Mom always tell us She loves her home and wants to stay here. She has always been a home person. Always content being home. All my life my Mom was always home. She never worked Just always was home taking care of us kids and the house.
Its a hard road to cross right now. I only see it getting harder and more emotionally upsetting for Dad and myself with what to do.
Somedays, I say well maybe I can take a leave from my work and be more helpful during the day but I believe that is only going to involve having 2 people being burned out. I will keep you posted what happens today.
Sorry about your Mom's fall. What luck that she didn't break anything. That is probably what the visiting nurse is so worried about. You may know the statistic - when an older person falls and breaks a hip (femur) her life expectancy is reduced to plus or minus one year.
This can be prevented by having her in a safe place, no stairs, no porches, nothing to trip over, constant care. Yes, they can both live in such a place together.
It is of course a wrench to move out of a well loved home. But many do it of their own free will. I live in a small apartment complex consisting of 20 one story 'bungalows" .. ten facing the other ten, surrounded by trees, with a view, on my side, of a park, a lake and a river. I love it here.
My neightbors are for the most part other single women, or elderly couples who deliberately gave up their comfortable homes where they had lived for 50 years in order to enjoy the rest of thier lives without the many hassles of home ownership - shoveling snow, mowing lawns, taking care of gardens, doing house repairs. Here it is all done for you. It is not assisted living, and many here are younger and still working .. but there are such places with the addition of nursing care, a central dining room, etc.
Those who downsized to livng here are 100% glad they did it. When it snows (we get a lot in Northern Indiana) they laugh as they watch the snowplow doing what they had to do all these years. These apartments have 2 bedrooms, so you can still have your grown up children visit and stay overnight.
I gave up a huge house to go and live with my mom, but the transition from her apartment to my own apartment was easy. I know it is hard for your parents - but the rewards far outnumber the losses. Try to convince them to do it. Together in AL rather than Mom in a NH and Dad home alone ...
Last edited by Martha H; 10-16-2008 at 05:12 AM.
I had to make that decision for my dad. He was taking care of my mom and covering up how bad she really was. I was appalled at her true slippage when we got her away from her home and Dad. Then I found out what a struggle it had been not only on but with Dad. Don't let your father got through that same thing.
It is the hardest thing you are ever going to do..and you are only delaying the envialable. Your Mom needs more help than your Dad can give her and you can't provide the skilled type of help that she now needs. I don't mean to sound cruel, but your Mom is now at the point where she needs 24/7 skilled nursing care.
Deb had a good idea. Move them both into an assisted living place where they can be together. It's that or your Mom will be in a unit close enough that your dad can visit her daily, but she does need to move before something serious happens...and you're going to have to do it. Once you get the report from her GP, you should be able to get his help to convince your Dad to move her, but move her you must for her safety and your Dad's health..
Good luck..it's no fun I know. Been there, got the T shirt....