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Old 10-22-2008, 01:49 PM   #1
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sisters.... arg

The reason I was thinking of Chris's Mom's nails was because I didn't want to think about what was going on with my sisters. I have tried really hard to be as cooperative and helpful as possible. I have tried to communicate without hostility. I had noticed that recently I was getting no responses back from Sister 4 and only minimal responses from Sister 3. I still talk to Sister 2 regularly. I had sent out financial information, information about a lawyer appointment I finally made, and information about my visit with Mom and Dad. NOTHING came back from Sisters 3 or 4 except Sister 3 said she could be at the lawyer's appointment.

While I was visiting Mom and Dad I checked their mail and found an invitation to my great aunt's 90's birthday on November 2. That would involve taking Mom (and perhaps Dad) back to their home town..... a long day trip. I called Sister 3 and during our conversation I told her about the invitation. She knew I had one more night there and made NO mention of me staying with her. I later wrote e-mail so sister 2 and 4 would also know about it. I did make the comment that the lawyer appointment was November 7. That appointment was made where Mom and Dad are for Sister 3 and 4's convenience. That would involve a long stay.... and you have to remember that neither sister 3 or 4 offered me a place to stay the last time I was there... or two 6 hour round trips in a week.

Before I got back home Sister 3 had blow up at Sister 2 telling her that Sister 4 had plans that weekend and that Sister 2 and I would just have to handle the trip for the birthday party. Sister 2 has a trip that weekend that has been planned for a year. I have still heard NOTHING except from Sister 2 so I changed the lawyer appointment to November 3. That way I could make one trip and accomplish both. I put that in e-mail.... along with direct questions such as... "Will you be able to be at the lawyer meeting on November 3?" I also stated that I would be there to take Mom to my great aunt's birthday party. I heard nothing except from Sister 2... who lives 2.5 hours away and she will be at the lawyer appointment, missing a day of work and making it a day trip after she gets back from her weekend trip.

Today, while talking to Mom, she announced that she was going to my great aunt's birthday party. I ask her how..... she told me Sister 4 was going to take her. I have still heard nothing from Sister 3 or 4... whether they are going to the lawyer or Mom's trips to the party. I know that whatever occured that lead Mom to believe Sister 4 was going to take her happened AFTER my last e-mail saying I had changed the lawyer appointment and could do it.

My first thought is to just change the lawyer appointment so it will be local to sister 2 and myself. The two of us have the financial control, POA, wills, and everything else we need to do what needs to be done. The only missing pieces are the medical directives which sister 3 has and I know they are in order. Yet something in me still wants to cooperate.... but how do you cooperate with the non cooperative !!!ARG!!!......

I am just venting. I guess it is just beyond me how some people cut their nose off to spite their face and then blame you when they look in a mirror....

Love, deb

 
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Old 10-22-2008, 03:54 PM   #2
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Re: sisters.... arg

I understand. Mine was similar. You are doing the best you can and more. Don't let them get you down.

Love,

Martha

 
Old 10-22-2008, 06:53 PM   #3
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Re: sisters.... arg

Dear deb, Go ahead and vent. I do understand. It seems sisters 3 & 4 are into silly childish mind games. What is their purpose or point? It just doesn't make any sense. I've stopped trying to figure people out anymore. I love your last paragraph. Actually your last sentence.......then blame you when they look in a mirror. Good one deb.
You are doing the best you can. Like Martha said. Don't let them get to you. Thats hard to do I know.
Love Chris

 
Old 10-22-2008, 07:03 PM   #4
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Re: sisters.... arg

Deb, how you manage all of this and stay sane is amazing! I really can't identify with what you're going through as I have no sisters. I always wished I had one, but maybe it's a good thing! Just kidding.

My brothers have left everything up to me...one doesn't live here; and the other one is finally stepping up to the plate and giving me support. I think it's just their own way of trying to deny there is anything wrong with their mother.

I have to laugh when I hear they have trouble handling it or seeing mom "like that"...I am her daughter who has seen the best and worst of her and is the closest to her...and I seem to be able to handle it. Maybe I'm just a bit more like my dad..he could always find a way to solve things; or I'm just a bit more used to seeing mom "like that".

All the best Deb, and you vent anytime you want to!

 
Old 10-22-2008, 09:57 PM   #5
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Re: sisters.... arg

Thank you all for letting me vent. I will keep doing what I am doing. I only have one person to answer to and that's ME. As long as I am true to myself and do what I know I should do then I have no regrets.

I think at this point I am bumfuzzled by the drama and chaos created by my sisters when it is so unnecessary. I'm not sure what the purpose or point is Chris. Sister 4 has been on my case since we realized there was something wrong with Mom. Periodically she gathers Sister 3 to her side since they live close by. I think she was resentful of what I was able to do in the beginning. I had worked in the LTC field, was familiar with ALZ, and had the time to spend with Mom and Dad. I believe that she thought Mom and Dad were going to move close to her and she was going to have "fun" with them. Instead it has been a series of catastrophies that she doesn't know how to handle. Yet she is resentful of any help I might offer or anything I am able to do. Thinking about it today I truly believe it is nothing more than Sister 4 is in over her head and doesn't know how to handle the situation with Mom and Dad.... and I am convenient to take it out on. I don't bite back like sister 2 does

Sunny..... I have a couple of sisters I will give you if you would like hehe!!

I'm better tonight. I have more sympathy than anger for my sisters.....

Love, deb

 
Old 10-23-2008, 07:15 AM   #6
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Re: sisters.... arg

Dearest Deb-
Who by the way has teh patience of JOB....I who sit outside and watch this have just one thing to say-well, you know that really it's more than one because I'm never satisfied with just one...You need to let go of being the peace maker. It's not doing you any good. WHY? dear soul? Let your sister stew in their own brew (it's halloween time!) It is evident that you aren't going to get an answer to your statements and questions, SO, in the quest of getting things completed with speed and expiedency, move the meeting to accomodate you and Sister 2. You haven't received an answer from 3&4, so make it easier for the two of you to get this taken care of.

When the other two complain that it is more difficult for them, your response is "I asked the question, sent the message blah blah blah... YOU DIDN"T RESPOND. So I assumed you WERE NOT INTERESTED IN ATTENDING. This will allow her to figure out that she need to state her wishes in the future. It's much like training your children. If she doesn't have the courtesy of repsonsding, then it's out of her hands....can you do this? I wonder....

And ways...I am sorry that once again you are placed in the roll of the mediator. I do think that you should sit down with 3&4 and ask them why they are so difficult about this? If you were to dump all of this in their lap and walk away, what would they do?

What have they said about Christmas? Could part of this be because of what you have said about the plans for the holidays? I wonder if that is driving part of the irritation now?

Hang in there dear. I'm washing towels. I'll get you a new clean one with sparkles on it for your patience!

 
Old 10-23-2008, 11:43 AM   #7
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Re: sisters.... arg

lol Ibake.... to answer your question..... NOT I CAN'T!!!!

I know the real problem is sister 4 and not sister 3. So I picked up the phone today, called sister 3, and flatly stated... Sisters 2 and 4 have plans for the party weekend so that leaves me and you! I have moved the lawyer meeting so that I can accomplished both in one trip. Are you available to help me or am I going to have to take Dad too, even though he doesn't need to make the trip because of his health and mental well being. Sister 3 and I will take care of the trip. One will stay with Dad and the other will take Mom. Then I ask her about the lawyer meeting and she said she would be there as if I should have known already.

And this is exactly where it is all coming from. Somehow, even if I get frustrated first and have to work on myself (that's what my vent to you gals was the beginning of) before I can fix the problem, I find a way to do what needs to be done. Yes, Christmas might be part of the problem because I found a solution and took care of the initial planning. My vists are a problem because I manage to handle Mom and Dad, even if they are flipping out on me, without calling for help and don't complain or expect gratitude afterwards. I am there to give Sister 3 and 4 a break not haul them in every time Mom flipps a southern hissy fit or Dad wonders all night. Sister 4 is the drama queen and thrives on conflict and chaos and I am a doer. She is emotionally charged and I use logic and common sense to accomplish what needs to be done. She holds grudges and I just shurg and go on about what needs to be done. I talk myself out of hard feelings and anger and she talks herself into imaginary conflicts. I work with others and she wants everybody to work to her specifications even though her measure of your success is constantly changing.

Sister 3 is there and hears sister 4 yap yap yap. I think Sister 3 realizes, especially when I call her with answers, that I am truly trying to find solutions not arguments. I know sister 3 and 4 have a big problem with Sister 2. Part of their angst with me is that I will not be mad at sister 2 also. But I understand sister 2's family and job responsibilities. I am doing nothing for sister 2 that I didn't do for sister 4 before she retired and sister 3 now because she is still working. I take up the slack.....

I have done exactly what you mentioned IBake. I had a long talk with Sister 4. She drug up BS from years ago but it was all warped by her perception into something that it wasn't. But I think I know the problem....

I have always been the mediator, giver, selfless one that gave in and fixed things for sister 4. When it became evident that Mom was having difficulties I kicked into high gear. Sister 4 was handicapped because she was still working. She's a bit of a controller and not being in control of the situation frustrated her. That was something I could not fix. I had to do what I was doing for Mom and Dad and she couldn't. Somewhere along the way I stopped "fixing" for her and started fixing for Mom, Dad, and myself. I had no choice. Then Mom and Dad moved close to her. I thought that might fix sister 4's problem because she would be in control but it didn't turn out like she dreamed. What was easier for me because of my experience is difficult for her and she's in over her head. I tried to help her along (not only with Mom and Dad and with her prespective on life in general and how to handle Mom and Dad) but instead of hearing what I was saying as helpful... she took it as criticism. That only widened the wedge. So I stopped trying to fix her and just tried to help with Mom and Dad. Now I am ingorning her and that has even further widened the wedge. At this point.... in her view I do nothing right.

I think I do what I do because I hate to see the family crumble because of one individual. I can still work with sisters 2 and 3. I have to be diplomatic with sister 3 but I can call sister 2 and tell her she's a nut case and we both laugh. I know the things sister 4 thinks and says about me are just her warped perception. I have more sympathy than anger for her but don't tell her because it would anger her. As long as I can keep my sanity I will hold what I can together for Mom and Dad.

So no..... I can't stop what I am doing..... YET!!!!

Love, deb

 
Old 10-23-2008, 10:21 PM   #8
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Re: sisters.... arg

In the mean time, since I fixed the trip to the party for Mom so sister 4 does not have to cancel her weekend plans..... I get an e-mail from her tonight. Not thanking me but more of her drama and chaos. So..... I told her how I really felt!!! Maybe I can do it IBake....

love, deb

 
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Old 10-24-2008, 06:56 AM   #9
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Re: sisters.... arg

<<<<<<patting you on the back soundly>>>>>>>>
I am QUITE proud of you. Because even though we should value the peace makers (yeah I read the good book too ) it does get to the point where even the peace makers have had the last straw placed on that camels back. And what gives her the right to always be right? You have that right once in a while (as far as we are concerned you are right a good say 97.9% of the time just didn't want to seem too perfect) to be the dumper as opposed to the dumpee... for heavens sake. Your three sis's are disfunctional i think., Perhaps you could syndicate it for a newspaper and make a bunch of money and we could all help provide the story line. Because let's face it,, NO ONE would ever believe what we all go through areound here!

I know it is diffocult for you to balance the needs of your parents and juggle the histronics of the sisters and their ever changing arguments and off colored views of who has done or not done this for each other. I'm just saddened that it seems that you always have a continualhot potatoe to toss and it's never easy. I'm saddened that they refuse to pull together for the good of your parents and just see the faults of others instead of helping each other to help your folks.

Your time left with your parents is getting short and their light is getting dim. I only wish they could put aside the bickering in favor of helping those lights glow a little brighter for the time left.

OK...guess I can't do any more soap box harranging for today. Will someone help me down please?????

 
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Old 10-24-2008, 10:02 AM   #10
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Re: sisters.... arg

We need you to stay up there IBake. You do it so well and I need the lift. I ask the same questions you ask and make the same observations you make. Dad is 88 and Mom is 79. They both have health problems to go with their dementia. There are four sisters that basically love each other and all have Mom and Dad's best interest at heart. So why beat each other into oblivion in the process.

When sister 4 doesn't respond to questions except in the negative, is stilted on the phone when I call, doesn't call me, doesn't invite me to her house when she knows I am at Mom and Dad's, doesn't call or come by when I am there, and then complains about most of what I do and ignores the rest even when it needs discussion..... then ask why I think she doesn't like me? She never once did say she liked me.... just wanted to know why I thought she didn't.

In the end I told her that it didn't matter to me if she liked me or not. What matter was Mom and Dad, what needed to be done for them, and an adult mature attitude between the sisters that enabled us to deal with Mom and Dad without all the drama and chaos. I reminded her of what I had done for her lately and told her that hopefully one day she would see what I had done and not what she perceived I was doing. She needed to look at ME and not lump me together with sister 2 as if we were one unit. I told her I was not perfect but I was doing my best and that's all I could do. So if she wanted me to think different she might say thanks for making it possible for her to do what she wanted to do November 2 instead of bringing up drama.... Oh well I don't even want to be 97.9% perfect. I would claim to be the evil sister if all this would go away. Being right is not always good for you.

Love, deb

 
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Old 10-24-2008, 05:01 PM   #11
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Re: sisters.... arg

but is sure can be a heck of a lot of fun! For cry out loud! You aren't asking to be president! (Are you? I forgot to ask if that was one of your concerns... I do have a tiara that is slightly tarnished that would be divine with purple towels I think and far more "it" that you can borrow...got it from my dil and it's far better to want to be queen than a president, doncha think?)

For goodness sake. Did your mother let them get away with this when they were growing up? Is that the problem? Are they all married? I can't see how all of them can be married and maintain families with this type of attititudte. My sons would have stompted them down to little pieces in about 21 seconds flat.

And you know that sister 4-"sister stick-up-the-butt"-may have heard what you said, but she didn't listen to what you said. And that is what is truly sad. What hurts is that your Mom and Dad are the ones who are suffering through all of this. Because even though you can all be together and have a "happy day" the under currents will be swirling and they will affect probably your dad more than your mom as he seems to be sensitive to this sort of stuff. He will be up walking at night, checking on the boys again.

Drat, I have to go bake. this has me upset. I'll go bake something and that usually helps me find a path or come up with an answer-or at least make something to eat! And there are still apples let. Hubby asked me not to put up 30 quarts of apple sauce this year. So far I have only made-hmmm 6 plus 9 plus 11 and had planned on filling the 3 crock pots again so that would be another 11 quarts-that won't be 30 will it? My boss likes it......guess it can't be all bad. wonder if it's raise material?

YOu my dear, are of course on the other end of the towel and not the one that I'm snapping at your sisters butt! little snot.:nono: She should-well they should all really fear the wrath of this board-or me alone according to my family-and the dented door molding if it's indication of how hot under the collar I get.....Rest this weekend and let god and the rest of us share in the burden, 'K

Last edited by ibake&pray; 10-24-2008 at 05:07 PM.

 
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Old 10-24-2008, 07:07 PM   #12
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Re: sisters.... arg

I don't want to be the president, queen, or even a princess. I just want peace. Sister 4 did get away with some of this when she was growing up.... the baby. And I am guilty of allowing it for too long.... even being the peace maker for her. She could not have children and chose not to adopt so they have no children. There have always been "concessions" because she had no children. Her husband does the cooking and grocery shopping. She has a yard boy and a maid once a week. She had back surgury many years ago and still uses it to her advantage. She taught high school. She has a genius level IQ and is definitely a left brain thinker. She is self absorbed, thrives on drama, and a controller. Get the picture?

To be honest, for years I let her intimidate me. Her little tantrums and harsh words were more than I wanted to deal with. I am pretty much the opposit of her. I love peace and harmony. I'm the one.... to quote my Dad... that would give you the shirt off my back even if I didn't have another one to put on. I don't have that book smart IQ, which was the starting point of my intimidation) but I do have plenty of common sense. I am a lateral thinker that has always had to do things for myself. So she was the taker and I was the giver.

Problem is.... When we realized Mom's inabilities Deb stood up and did what I do best. I had the time and expertise to deal with Mom and Dad. When the drama queen started I realized I didn't have to take it or be intimidated. It's been a two year process but I am comfortable with the new me. I like me a lot. I tried to keep the good parts of who I was and add some more good parts to it. Sister 2 sees the difference and gives me kudo's. I think sister 3 is beginning see it. Sister 4 does not like the new me at all. Oh well....

So don't let it upset you IBake.... though you could share whatever you bake. I am amazingly at peace about it all. Sister 4 can join me or I will just do what I need to do around her. I still have a working relationship with sister 3 and good relationship with sister 2. Sister 2 is retiring in May so she will be there to help soon. I understand what is going on and even though I hope it changes in the future.... I am ok with it all. As I said before.... I like me... and that's what matters

Love, deb

 
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Old 10-24-2008, 09:59 PM   #13
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Re: sisters.... arg

If it matters, ... we more than like you too. In fact you are probably one of the most stable women I have come across who is willing to share her family "drama" and short comings in hopes of helping someone else alone the way. To say that you don't have much book smart would be an understatement, and street smart and people skill you abound in. I cannot believe that you would ever have thought you were not even at least as smart as any of your g__ d____ and some other letter that my mother would have smacked my finger for even thinking of much less typing...... is not only mind boggling to me, it's incomprehensible.

The skills you exhibit don't come from just dealing with people, they are an inate skill that is given from God. You have it in abundance and it is a rare gift that you should cherish and be humbled by. You have the gift to help others-sometimes whether they want it or not! LOL...

And what is bugging your sister is that she sees that she can no longer control you and you are no longer afraid of her and her power base is slipping and she is sore afraid. Who is she going to bully now? Golly I had back surgery I didn't know I was suppose to be able to use it as a club over people. Where did I go wrong? She is turning into a pathetic mean spitful woman that no one will want to be around...so there. No towel for her!

But you my dear....you get a queen for a day towel! and you can borrow my tiarra! I'll even polish it for you. So ignore the bad apple, I'll bake tomorrow and we can solve the rest of the world's problems before dawn.

you're in my prayers....

 
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Old 10-24-2008, 10:37 PM   #14
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Re: sisters.... arg

Thank you IBake. I'm not used to hearing those things but it sure felt good. I know them now but it took me a long time to get there. You are right about my sister. Perhaps one day she will figure it out. In the mean time.... I will just keep being me. I am so glad you came back Somehow I knew you were a special person.

Love, deb

PS.... if you run out of apples.... I have a few extra hehe

Last edited by Gabriel; 10-24-2008 at 10:38 PM.

 
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Old 10-25-2008, 09:11 AM   #15
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Re: sisters.... arg

My dear deb...
I still have a bushel and half of the real ones from the tree and I certainly don't want the ones that fell off of your family tree!

 
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