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Old 10-29-2008, 08:48 PM   #1
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Red face Oh my gosh, you guys...

Well, here we are at the junction y'all told me would be looming - the place where we need to do something different with dad.

This morning, I had him all settled, and ran next door to my house to quickly shampoo the front room carpet, when who should knock on the door but the landlord. Nice nice guy - Ken is his name - and he was here to fix the shower. Holy smokes, I forgot that he was coming today. He came in (and tracked on my freshly shampoo'd carpet - grrrr) and got to work. I went out the back door because daddy was outside, and he motioned towards my house and asked, "Who?" I told him who was here, and what he was doing. Shortly, I went back inside.

Five minutes later, who comes blowing through the door but daddy. I was surprised, and even more so when he speedily shuffled, cane just a waggin', toward my bathroom. Ken had his back to the door, and dad said, "Whatchu doin here?" Wow. A whole sentence. But I could see that daddy was loaded for bear, but I had (and still have) no idea why. Ken did not answer dad. He was busy, fergoodnesssake, and was upside down in my shower. Dad said, "HEY!" Ken still did not answer. I saw that this was going south, so I put my arm around dad to direct him down the hall, and before I could get him turned around, HE POKED KEN WITH HIS CANE!!!! HARD!!!!

Oh my gosh, you guys. I was so embarrassed. Now, Ken of course knows about dad. He knows him, and knows he is quite demented. He knows I take care of dad, so no harm no foul. Ken was not hurt, and he totally understood. He's a nice nice guy, as I said.

So I took dad more firmly by the waist, and said, "You may NOT poke people with that cane! Now. Let's go get some lunch." He growled at me, "NO" and shuffled out the back door. As he left, I heard him mutter, "sumbitch".

I let him go out the door unattended. He needed time, apparently, to reset his mind. And sure enough, ten minutes later, he had no memory of ever being at my house, let alone poking people with his cane.

This situation is getting serious now. He cannot be commiting assault, and I called the doc for an appt to get some meds of some kind for when he is all worked up like this.

But that's only the band-aid, and I know it. Seems like he is 98% demented and sad, and 2% angry and ugly. That's about 2% too much.

Thanks for letting me vent. I cannot tell you how embarrassed I was, and how frankly mad I was at dad (I know - it's the disease. But when he's assaulting people, I forget that momentarily) for his behavior.

...lil' deb

 
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Old 10-29-2008, 09:30 PM   #2
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Re: Oh my gosh, you guys...

Yes little deb, the time has come. You were not here at the time but the reason we finally had to move Mom and Dad to AL was because Mom connected on a couple of swings at the caregiver. She put up with so much from Mom but that created the impossible situation (she can't defend herself and should never be in physical danger) which uprooted Mom and Dad. I won't even mention the physical fights between Mom and Dad. They lose any rational way to deal with emotions.

There is no telling why your Dad got upset. He probably saw Ken enter your house. Why would a man be in your house.... except if he was up to no good. When Ken didn't answer him he was probably sure Ken was up to no good. His frustration could only be expressed with a poke of the cane. When they get determined it is amazing what they can do. I am sure Ken understood... but I also know how you felt. Been there felt that when I talked to Mom's caregiver after the punches.

So what are you going to do about it? Yes, medication is helpful, but if you only give it when you need it then you are going to have situations like this to know when you need it. If you give it to him all the time you will probably have to watch him more closely because he may be a little more unsteady than he is now. While he is at the doctor's you may also want to ask him about placement possiblities? You need to get something in place before you have to rush around and do it at the last minute. I do worry about your Dad being alone at night. Perhaps you might want a night time caregiver to stay with him? I have said this for a while little deb.... you need some help!!

I do hope Dad settles down and you don't have any more poking incidents any time soon. Keep us updated. Know we are still hanging on to the towel corners for you and I keep you and your Dad in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, deb

 
Old 10-30-2008, 04:17 AM   #3
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Re: Oh my gosh, you guys...

Dear Deb ..yes, the time has come to get an alternative plan in action. With a little luck and good research, you will find a loving place for yur Dad to live for the remainder of his lfe, a safe place, where he is never alone, has lots of new friends, loving staff, someone to monitor his meds and food, take care of things he needs (small cuts and scratches to a major cold or infection) and gradually help him more as he is able to do less.

Just remember that it is not the way people used to think, 'putting him away .. won't care for her own father ... etc." I have heard it all. It was all wrong. The NH took better care of Mom than all our amateur efforts, they always knew what to do , always remained calm, were experienced and trained to take care of every need. Monitors to keep people from going out, an inner courtyard where they could safely spend time outdoors and go for long walks around in a large circle with benches for resting, but no access to the outside world except through the building, and the alarm would go of if someone went out the outer doors.

Food planned by a nutritionist and fed to her by caring nursing staff, Mom was showered, shampooed, hair combed, spray cologne sprayed on her, all by loving ladies. Many were from the island Barbados which seems to produce the most loving and caring people in the world!

You will be doing your father a service if you get him into such a place.

Not to mention getting your life back ....

Love,

Martha

 
Old 10-30-2008, 07:25 AM   #4
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Re: Oh my gosh, you guys...

Little deb,

Hon, take your fingers out of your ears, uncover your eyes...It's time Babe....And you know it..You left us once remember? Why? because we were pushing you that it was time for Daddy to go to a NH. You were having to keep him away from children because he was yelling at them, trying to hit them...even your own son, right?

Well, now he is attacking people with his cane. You can get meds for him, but you can hardly schedule when he is going to attack someone. Yea, you can schedule when a repair man is coming, but not when Daddy is going to "lose it." So you have a choice of medicating him 24/7, or trying to get meds into him in time for them to work before the repair folks show up. Not the best way to live either...

No, the time has come for him to have a change in residence. And its only fair to him also. It can't be any fun for him, not having any companionship except you-day in and out. At the NH there would be other folks that are of his generation that he would be with. They would be able to share stories with each other. You would be surprized with what they remember...And the staff is there 24/7 to watch over him and to guide him back to him room, adjust meds when needed, fresh alert round the clock care.. and you would get your life with your family back.

Come on little deb. Start that search. We are standing behind you, hanging onto the towel...well, actually Deb is stopping me from snapping you with it!
Get going girl! Daddy deserves it and so do you...

Last edited by ibake&pray; 10-30-2008 at 07:25 AM.

 
Old 10-30-2008, 05:09 PM   #5
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Re: Oh my gosh, you guys...

Bless his heart, somewhere under the disease I imagine he was trying to defend a woman he loves. Somewhere in there he would also never want to expose his daughter to fear or violence. You know what you have to do. Think about it, if caring for you in the same situation would cause your daughter the anxiety you are experiencing, wouldn't you want to spare her? No guilt, you neither need nor deserve it.
In my prayers,
Q

 
Old 10-30-2008, 06:40 PM   #6
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Re: Oh my gosh, you guys...

A story for little deb.... what if Dad had fallen in the bathroom at home last night and nobody found him until morning. Instead my Dad fell in the bathroom in AL and within minutes the "whole staff" was there attending to him, making sure he was ok, bandaging his wounds, and somebody else was on the phone calling family. He had a nurse check him within a few minutes and a doctor came by this morning. Can you do that?

I am with the rest and want to remind you of the morning you went over to your dad's and the door was open. Remember that power shuffle to the bathroom. Combine the two.. and he's out in the night. I can't shake that image. When a "crisis" moment occurs it's a moment. What you have is a series of moments that add up to one thing. It is past time for you to get more help for your dad. It is what HE needs. If you can't place him then get somebody that can stay with him. If not three shifts, at least some during the day and at night.

I am not going to let IBake pop you with the towel..... YET. I think I want do it myself hehe

Love, deb

 
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Old 10-30-2008, 09:14 PM   #7
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Re: Oh my gosh, you guys...

I know you are all right. Doctor's appt Mon @ 11:30 to discuss. *sigh*

...lil' deb

 
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Old 10-30-2008, 09:32 PM   #8
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Re: Oh my gosh, you guys...

Yes, little deb, it is hard. At the time it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Packing the week before they moved, watching them drive out of the driveway for the last time, being in the house alone that last night, moving their furniture into a truck.... it was incredibly difficult. I didn't know if I could do it..... but I did! That was 13 months ago and I will tell you that I have only one regret.... that we didn't do it sooner. Yep, ask some of those that were here then... I wanted to hold on as stubbornly as you do.

Mom may grumble and Dad may fall. We have had tooth extractions, urinary tract infections, the flu, and pneumonia. Each time something happens I am thankful for the wonderful care they receive almost instantly. They both enjoy having others around instead of being isolated in their home. We are buying bigger pants for both of them!! Now instead of just 4 daughters loving them there is a staff full of people to love on them too.

Yes, it is hard for you to give up your promises, duty, and pledges. But remember. There is no way that you can do for your dad what 3 shifts of fresh faces and a huge ancillary staff can do. Don't look at it as the end but as a new beginning. A new beginning for your Dad.... and for you!

I will keep you and your Dad in my thoughts and prayers as you struggle with this new direction.....

Love, deb

 
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Old 10-31-2008, 08:18 AM   #9
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Re: Oh my gosh, you guys...

Little Deb...

I had to do it to Mamma. and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my liffe.. except that I think that it saved her life and daddy life...and that's all i'm going to say.

 
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Old 10-31-2008, 06:00 PM   #10
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Re: Oh my gosh, you guys...

WOW....you gals are truly the best! WHat you all say has hit a nerve with me. It is time for me to wake up! I have been believing that I am Florence Nightingale for the past 2 years! I can do it all by myself....NOT!
You gals tell it the way it is...the truth does hurt. You have opened my eyes up my dears and I thank you.

 
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Old 10-31-2008, 06:16 PM   #11
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Re: Oh my gosh, you guys...

They had to hit my nerve for me to do it Nancy. I truly believe that the move from home to facility is the point when you really have to acknowledge what is happening, and there is no turning back. You are right, super women think they can do it all. It's humbling to find out that you can't. Pile on top of that the loss of control when a staff takes over Mom or Dad's care. It hits all our vulnerable spots. When I finally wrapped my exhausted brain around the fact that Mom and Dad were better off in AL.... I knew I had done what was best for them. How can you feel badly when you know you are doing what is best for your loved one??? Let us know how it goes....

Love, deb

 
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