Need advise PLEASE HELP!!!!!! - Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board

alopez0612 · 10-31-2008, 10:22 PM

Hi Everyone,

I don't post her often but read quite often.

OK here goes...... I have been taking care of my mom for the last 3 years with out a break and I know it's taking it's toll on me.
I have noticed a cognative decline in the last 3 weeks. It started one morning whe I just happened to walk past the breakfast table and noticed she was eating cereal with water and when I asked her why she didn't put milk on her cereal she said I don't know I didn't think you had any milk. There is always milk in my house. Another day my husband walked into the kitchen and she was just sitting at the table so my husband asked her what she was doing and she said nothing so he told her she neede to eat breakfast. I have always sat her bowl, spoon, cereal and meds on the table for her and she has always taken the milk out of the fridge but now befor I leave I sit the milk on the table and so far she has been putting it back in the fridge. The other things she is or is not doing: she has always been very clean and lately she can't find the "thing" for her teeth, does not remember to eat lunch if I dont remind her and them becomes very confused about how to fix her lunch, also I have always made her get her own drink dor dinner and now she gets so confussed she can't find the glasses.
SHe goes to Aduld Day Care 4 days a week and now I have one day to worry myself sick about what is going on at home while I am at work. I am able to check on her at lunch time.
I am reaching the end of my rope and am not sure what to do or how to go about it.
Any assistance you wise ladies can give would be greatly appriciated.

God Bless All

Ann

Gabriel · 10-31-2008, 11:14 PM

Ann... welcome to the board. You definitely came to the right place.

It is obvious that your Mom can no longer stay at home alone. I was where you are now and I can tell you that there is no telling what she might attempt to do. You are right to be concerned. You can not depend on her to feed herself properly. Beyond that what if she puts a pot on the stove and forgets it or lays a dish rag on the stove and walks out? If there was a fire would she know what to do? Is she actually taking her meds? Just because they are gone doesn't mean she is taking them. Mom threw away pills because she didn't know what they were for. The possibilities go on.......

For your sanity and your Mom's safety it is time for you to get some additional help. You might want to get someone that can stay with her when you can not be there... and even some time when you are so you can have a break. Or you might want to consider a nice assisted living arrangement.

We moved Mom and Dad to AL a 13 months ago after it became evident that they could not stay at home alone.... and Mom refused to cooperate with the sitter. I resisted the AL idea for over a year but now I realize that it was the best for Mom and Dad. We have had a few rough spots but for the most part Mom and Dad both enjoy the socialization and activities of the AL that they didn't get at home. I am sure they are well fed (both have gained weight), they get all medications when they are supposed to have them, there is a nurse on duty at all times, there is a doctor on premisis three days a week, and when Mom acts out or Dad falls there is a staff member there almost immediately. Beyond that I know they are well cared for and safe. My only regret is that we didn't move the sooner.

Leaving her at home alone is the last option you want to consider. She is at the point that she needs somebody with her 24/7..... you just have to decide how you are going to do that.

I hate you need to be here but again.... Welcome!!! I am sure some of the other ladies with throw in their ideas as well.

Love, deb

alopez0612 · 11-01-2008, 09:27 AM

Thanks Deb!!!!! I truely believe in my heart she does need 24/7 care but, like you, I am having a hard time with it. I know if I don't do something she may out live me. The stress has taken it' toll on me.
Again Deb thanks!!!!!!!

Ann

Martha H · 11-01-2008, 09:59 AM

Dear Ann,

I have heard this before -- that the caregiver dies before the Dementia patient.

That kind of 24/7 care is deadly. I did it - for 5 years - and it took a toll on my health.

When my mother broke her hip and had to go to a nursing home, first for rehab and then because she needed around the clock care, she turned out to be happy there. And it was a new life for me. Remember, the nurses and aides come in on 8 hour shifts. They are rested and well prepared, they know the routines, they have done it all before. On top of that they were always lovng and caring, Mom felt like (and decided she was ) a guest at a spa!

Yes, she deteriorated slowly, and died last Christmas ..at age 99 - but without the care of the NH it may have been sooner, and I may have gone with her. No one, superwoman included, can take the strain of being responsible all of the time.

Love,

Martha

petal*pusher · 11-01-2008, 12:21 PM

Unfortunately...there's so much we do not understand about this horrendous disease.

Three persons very close to me have Alzheimer's. My own Mom is in the 10th year...MIL passed this past Christmas, and FIL is in the 4th year. All were placed in different facilities...and that alone has helped me survive!

The progression has been entirely different with each one...and even obvious in the other "clients" where they now reside. Alzheimer's is very individual in how it affects each person. In the beginning of this journey with Mom, I read everything I could about this disease.

One thing that I remember is that "familial" (hereditary) Alzheimer's usually progresses more quickly than if this disease is caused by a very hard head injury. (This scares ME...I've had 2 hard bumps in the last 3 years...ARGH!) Also, any change in the persons surroundings or health, (even a cold!) can cause this disease to accelorate!

Research, research, research! Knowing what we can about this journey surely doesn't make it any easier...but at least helps us understand.

Each of us who post here understands your worry about "taking it's toll on YOU!"...... Be careful my friend, it has surely taken it's toll on my health, family, marriage, and outlook.................Pam