Martha H

Sorry you have this problem, but you have come to a place where many others have the same -- or had it until recently. I am a 'graduate' of dementia care, since my Mom passed away in December 07.

Mom began to show symptoms of dementia 8 years before she died. I moved in with her to keep an eye on things, but she was still up and around and going to a senior center every day. Then she began to get lost. We lived in a big city and she could no longer go out alone, since she could not find her way back. We hired a home health aide to watch her for most of the hours I was at work. That didn't work out well, Mom resented the woman being in her home, and felt she was perfectly capable of being alone. But she wasn't. Pots were burnt, a toaster oven was set on fire, she almost fell climbing up on chairs to get things off a high shelf, she was forgetting how to keep herself clean, hiding things, going to the bank and taking out money which she lost or gave away.

After falling and breaking a hip she went to the hospital, and from there to a rehab/nursing home. There she was unable to recover the ability to walk. They transferred her to a long term care unit, where she stayed until she passed away.

To the surprise of her whole family (3 children, 7 grandchildren, 6 great grands) she felt happier there than in her home with an aide. There were other people she got to know, friendly nurses and aides, food prepared for her, her bathing and shampooing taken over by competent helpers, clothing washed etc.

Looking back, I do wish we had placed her in the nursing home a year or two earlier, since nobody was happy during that year when she was so confused and yet trying to be independent.

The advantages of a nursing home are that the staff is well rested, there only for an 8 hour day and not overworked and short on sleep (I was awakened by her repeatedly at night, often she wanted to go out.)

My Mom had no property of her own and little money, but we applied for Medicaid and the state accepted her, so after a couple of months of paying a high fee, the NH continued her excellent care for whatever they got from Medicaid. Mom's Social Security went to them also, except a small personal allowance for odds and ends.

I think it would be really hard to expect your father to take care of your mother as she progesses to worse and worse stages, even with your help. But there may be a solution if you can get both of them into an assisted living place, where they have their own apartment or rooms, and yet are helped by trained people in the things she cannot do for herself any more. Medications are monitored, wash done, help with bathing if needed, meals in a community dining room if needed, etc.

It would be a good idea for you to investigate facilities in your area and see what is available.

Good luck, it is a long hard path.

Maybe a drug will soon be on the market which can reverse this disease. This gives hope to those just starting it.

Love,

Martha