2 weeks ago when I wasn't home, sister needed someone to sit with mother while she did errands. One of my kids was away and the other kid had one foot out the door to go to work even though I stressed on more than one occasion that my kids couldn't and shouldn't be required to take sit and care for Mom.
Sister called Visiting Nurse to see if they could come not knowing she had to set up an account with them, etc. But the good news was she actually relented to a home-visit appointment.
Wonderful nurse/evaluator arrived. After a few minutes Mother pitched a fit and sister got a chair for her to sit with us in the dining room while we talked. Mother pitched fits off and on, slapping and pitching the hell out of sister because (God forbid) sister was talking to nurse and I. I now found out since then that Sister's other arm is all black and blue from these types of outbursts.
Wonderful nurse stated to me when sister was taking mother to the bathroom that she (meaning sister) should not be dealing with this, that mother is worse than what they thought and mother should be in a nursing home. Sister came back into room and I had wonderful nurse repeat it to her. Sister got a little upset but she exhibits quietness when she's upset and just simply stated, I"m not at that point yet, she's not always like this . . .
Nurse asked if Mother was sedative?, sister said 'no'. I stated that sister really doesn't want to sedate mother. She perceives it as making mother into a zombie. Wonderful nurse said that they will look around for a nurse to assign but if mother isn't sedated, we would probably have a problem finding someone or keeping someone. Anyway, I talked with sister each night and finally got her to call the doctor. there's an appointment tomorrow. I tried to explain to sister that whatever they prescribed could be just mild enough to make Mom more manageable. Who knows she may be able to go back to the Adult Day Care Center. We'll have to see. Please, please keep us in your prayers.
Thanks everyone. Coming here has been a blessing in more ways then one. Sister seemed truly amazed by my postings. I guess no matter what I said, she actually didn't think I cared. I'm just not able to 'care' hands on. As I explained to Wonderful nurse--My sister chose to care for mother, I'm cocnerned for sister, if we both got involved in mother's actual care, etc., we'd be in constant battles becasue we see things so differently. Its a lot easier if I just stay out of it but support her emotionally for whatever decisions she makes.
If you cannot do the hands on caregiving, then please do give your sister 100% support as she tries to deal with this almost inhuman situation. With pinch marks up and down her arms, she is being physically abused. I wonder what her psychological reasons are for keeping Mom at home with her under such obvious abuse. I am glad Mom will get some kind of sedation and maybe even be able to go to the day care center again --- but, meanwhile, your sister is using up her own resources, putting her own health in grave danger, and making her life a misery, unnecessarily.
Once a clear seeing outside professional person recommends a nursing home, this really ought to be the path taken. At the least your sister or you should be looking into all the facilities in your area, finding out what they cost, visiting them to see how good the care is, making plans for the time to come. Remember, these patients get worse before they get better. (in the final stages they are usually so apathetic that they no longer are dangerous to themselves or others.)
Please stay involved as much as you can, give your sister some time off, listen when she needs to vent, don't criticise her, and gently but repeatedly advise a GOOD loving NH ...
I wish my sister had been that helpful. I was the live in carer, she was outside, several states away, but when I needed to vent she accused me of exaggerating Mom's condition, making myself important, advised me to quit my job and stay with Mom 24/7, and in the end actually said Mom would be better off alone than with me. She vetoed a NH, she was aganst a HHA, and refused to pay her share of having such an aide for all the hours I was at work, saying Mom sleeps until she comes at 9. Mom never slept that late and did some terrible things during those hours alone. I could not talk to my sister about it, she was only dismissive, saying "it's all your fault" and ''you only need to get Mom to drink more water" or "stop her from watching so much TV" etc.. Many half thought out answers, no real help.
Hi CaringSister,
I completely agree with Martha........whatever help you can give your sister will be wonderful.....support her and be there for her emotionally as much as you can, as it is a tough road she is on.
My uncle walks that road, and my mom is his only sibling to provide support. Although she is 3000 miles away, her support is what keeps him going, having someone to "talk" to, and bounce things off. His other siblings are the opposite, and actually make things "worse", by the fact that not only are they unwilling to help, but they like to add fuel to the fire.
So God bless you for looking out for your sister.....although you may not be there all the time, that support is a lifeline, I've seen that for myself.
Love, Caroline xo
You now have agreement of an impartial outside source!! Excellent.
There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are not a hands on care givers. You are supporting your sister in the ways that you can. I can't tell you what drives some to do more than they should. It's a mind set that is difficult to understand. I have been there and it took some good head knocking to get me out of it. Now that I am.... I am so very thankful to those that knocked my head
Your sister, for some reason, has decided it is her mission and duty to care for you Mom no matter what. You are kindly leading her to see that she can not and should not do this to herself. There are medical interventions that can help from medication to placement. They are there to use, not only for your sister's benefit but your Mom's benefit as well.
My Mom was angry, depressed, aggitated, and generally miserable. Yes, she did hit a few including Dad, the care giver, and me. Now she is on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. We didn't do that for us.... we did that for HER. She is not much happier than she was. You might want to explain to your sister that when her Mom strikes out at her it is because she is depressed, angry, aggitated, upset or otherwise misesrable. Does she want her Mom to stay in this emotional upset? Medication to control emotions outburst is not sedating. It is not making a zombie out of them. It is calming and allows them to enjoy life. Just watch for behavior changes and possible side effects. It helped us to log any unusual occurances so we had a pattern of what was going on. Something that happens today and twice tomorrow is easily forgotten unless you have a journey of it. Then you see the patterns developing. I used a pocket calendar and put simple statement like "Mom upset" or "Mom refused to eat"... then you can look back at the month and sometimes you go WOW!!!
I agree with Martha. Even if your sister is not ready to place your Mom you need to go check out the local facilities and see what they have to offer. That will help your sister also. She will be able to see that they are no longer warehouses for the dying but a safe secure environment for the living to enjoy the rest of their life. Since Mom and Dad were place I realized that I could not give them what a good facility can give them. There is no way I could do as much as three full time shifts of well rested care givers, a house keeping staff, a kitchen staff, a full time nurse, a doctor in facility three days a week, physical therapist in facility 4 days a week, a recreational direction, a social worker, and all the other staff that help care for Mom and Dad on a daily basis. There is no way I can do all that they can do
I do agree with you about the children. If Grandmother is combative then they don't need to be responsible for her. Perhaps if medication intervention helps then they can watch her for an hour but I would be cautious.
I am glad you got the help of the visiting nurse to get your point across to your sister. You are definitely a caring sister. Keep on doing what you are doing!!!
Thank you for coming in and providing your feedback. I've always been around. I take a lickin but keep on tickin so to speak.
My daughter has a difficult time being around her grandmother because she wants to remember her for the way she was not as she is now and also is afraid that if something happens to grandma on her watch, my sister will never let her forget it. She's probably right on that count.
My son who is 3 years older than daughter seems to be able to joke around with grandma still. She always laughs at his shin-na-agans! But since she needs help with her bathroom trips, its not something I want him to take care of.
My daughter told my sister that she'd rather go to the store for her than to be left alone with Mom.
All of us is right nextdoor (duplex living) and we always ahve our cells on so she can reach us. While I would like to give sister time to go to the store and be around people, I guess doing her shopping is the easiest of all because if I'm left with Mom and I'm attentive to her, she pitches fits and won't sit still. If I go over and sit there reading or pretending to nap, Mom will sit there and not be too agitated.
I told Nurse Evaluator that Mother gets agitated if sister leave the room, talks on the phone, or goes out.
We'll see what tomorrow brings. My prayers are that sister will be honest when talking with the doctor and tell her exactly how it is. I have a feeling that she will make excuses for everything. I'm hoping to get over to the doctor when sister is there with Mom. When I talk with her about the sedatives, or we talk that the Day Care Center told sister that mom needs to be given anti-anxiety medication, etc. all I get is "I'll think about it". My frustration is that its been this way all through our lives. She's always 'thinking about things" but then doesn't deal with the issues. She's a procrastinator about a lot of things as well. Its like if she doesn't do anything, it can't be wrong.
thanks for all the shoulders and support. I look at the threads of these messages as strings that I'm holding onto.
Linear Mode
