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Old 11-23-2008, 12:07 AM   #1
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Saturday's time for the Non Care-giver

To all

I came home from an overnight visit with BF who just closed on a shore house and got home early afternoon. There's Mom pitching a fit because Sister told her she was going out today and Mom got her coat. Sister said, isn't that something, she knows enough to get her coat out of the closet and got really angry to know she wasn't going with her.

I was feeling confident and when Sister mentioned that she's trying to get the nurse to come Monday, Tues, or Wed because of Thanksgiving on the normal Thursday schedule, I asked why -- what did she need to do and she said she needed to do grocery shopping. When I noticed that she had an hour until her hair appointment for the big class reunion at night, I told her to hurry and go out she can get the shopping done before going to the hair dressers.

Sister got home, Mom was happy once again. She told me to go home and I told her know. Considering home was just 1 foot out their door!, Sister then got all gussied up and finally left for the reunion.

Well its now 1:53 and I got home at around 1:00, Mom was not in a good mood when Sister left although she wasn't pitching a fit, she just kept getting up to pee a eye dropper full! 20 thousand times and couldn't sit still. So my Sister left me with an Ativan tablet, I crushed it and put it within Vanilla Pudding cup. Mom had difficulty feeding herself the pudding but tolerated me feeding it to her. She then had periods where she actually took short durations of naps. I was able to get through it until Sister came home around 12:30 a.m. While a lot of people didn't go to the reunion, there were some there and she was able to share in the evening.

Goodnight guys. You all are the best -- even though we never met -- you understood the fear others may have doing what you all seem to find the ability to do. You weren't critical to me with my inability to do it.

I did it for these small snippets over the last week and maybe I'll do it again every so often, but I can't do this everyday. Sister and I don't see it the same way and its her call.

Goodnight and sweet dreams

 
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Old 11-23-2008, 09:15 AM   #2
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Re: Saturday's time for the Non Care-giver

See?!? You DID it, and you did it well!!

Your name "caringsister" says it all...

Are you older or younger than your sister? Often, family placement plays a huge part in how we "get along" with Mom...and how SHE gets along with US!

We all knew you had the strength, patience, and will to be able to be Mom's support and caretaker. My thoughts are that your Mom knows she makes you nervous and uncomfortable...so maybe she can get away with a little more of her frustrations with this disease that is creeping up on her by making you the target of her shattered feelings.

Hang in there, my friend...it's a long journey, but you sound more positive in how you will handle each treachorous step...we're the guard rails you can hold onto!!.......Pam

 
Old 11-23-2008, 09:43 AM   #3
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Re: Saturday's time for the Non Care-giver

Yes, you did do it..... and I am sure you will do it again. You are the caring sister. You are also the caring daughter. Now you need to do something special for yourself.

Your insight into when your sister needs help is phantastic. No, you don't need to do it every day because as you said your sister has her way and she is the one that has taken on the responsibility but now that you know your own ability you can give sister those moments of relief from time to time.

I am noticing a bit of a pattern. Does Mom pitch less fits when you are there? Just curious as to your opinion.

Kudos to you and a good night with Mom and giving sister a good night out to enjoy her reunion. You did excellent... and survived even

Love, deb

 
Old 11-23-2008, 03:17 PM   #4
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Re: Saturday's time for the Non Care-giver

You are now officially the OTHER care giver, not the NON care giver. Congratulations!

Love,

Martha

 
Old 11-23-2008, 05:58 PM   #5
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Re: Saturday's time for the Non Care-giver

You see, the dread you had of not being able to take care of your mom is gone. I'mnot sure if you were more afraid of your sister being critical of your way of taking care of her, or of your Mom pitching a hissy fit. You have proved that not only are you a competentent care giver, but totally able to take care of your mother. The fear of taking care of her has diminished also. I think that was also part of your fear.

I am proud of your. Yes, it isn't your chosen path, but you are there for your sister and you are also there for your mother. You too are a care giver. We are truly proud of you. Your sister has learned that she can count on you to help her out in times of need and that is truly a good thing for her to know. And you are helping her to see that it isn't her burden to bear alone and that she will need to see alternative care for your Mom. You are truly helping her to see the other help help that is available. You are a good sister...Good job!

 
Old 11-24-2008, 08:42 AM   #6
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Re: Saturday's time for the Non Care-giver

first off, you guys are great. I re-read my message and I wrote it and sound like I was drunk! God the English I used -- but my how you were able to read through it and get the gist of what I was trying to say!

I was suffering from one of my hormone driven migraines during some of the day but yes, I got through it.

Your question was: Does it seem that Mom pitches less or more fits when I'm there. the answer is -- it depends. If she wants to know when Sister would be home and didn't like the answers, yes, she'll pitch more fits than ever -- this was a few days ago and I just let her pitch her fit. I'm a parent and I know that they do it when they are frustrated about something. Sometimes you can resolve the frustration and sometimes you can't so you just check that they'll be alright and let it pitch. I found that if I pretended to yell along with her and pretend to cry "with her" she stopped and looked at me like I was nuts!. And then we'd laugh (together). Distractions sometimes work.

There are definitely more times when she fits around my Sister. She thinks Sister hides medicine in food so she sometimes won't eat it but Sister doesn't use head correctly and puts it in things she can 'taste' the difference, like in tea! -- As you all know they start to like sweet things so I chose to use the vanilla pudding to hide it in.

You also asked if I was younger or older but I'm younger, by 4 years. As a married adult with kids and the stuff that occurs in marriage I now can see some things that occurred in my mother's life that may have been the reasons why I was treated so differently than my sister. While I can't forget the bad times, I can mostly understand some things. What's funny is everyone in my mother's life; siblings, etc tend to act like they had no idea things were the way they were in our house and seemed surprised by some of the insight when we are all wondering why Sister feels she needs to do this.

I now have a question for all: Here's a short background:
Parents owned duplex and upon Dad's death kep the house in her name and would NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE would she put it in our names. Then the dementia was getting worse at the time we closed on their PA home and I knew she was coming into money. Around that time she was spending time on the phone with psychic friends network, etc., and I knew we would be in trouble (as others have found with mail scams, etc). At that point, if Mom had to go into a NH, we were told that the NH would judge that I wasn't paying 'market rate' for the apartment I'm in and would either force an increase in my rent or would evict me and get a tenant into pay "market value'. Sister would be protected as mom's primary care giver and would be allowed to stay.

Therefore the only recouse an Elder-Care attorney had for us was to create an irrevocable trust that the house and Mom's money would be put into that we'd be guardian's of. But he said we'd be financially responsible if Mom needed nursing home care, etc. At that point, I thought it was do-able. but as Sister is no longer working and they need to tap into it to meet every month's living expenses for both her and Mom, the money is going fast. When it is gone, or if Mom goes into the NH and the money is gone real fast, What does Financially Responsible mean for Mom's care. Does it mean that we'd be able to file for assistance through the state's programs or does it mean we're screwed and would have to pay ourselves the amount? Because as this point, even if Sister was to go back to work somewhere, she'd never make enough to support herself nor does my existing checks even cover me and our needs of my children.

just curious if others encounter this and I realize each state is different. I think that is why Sister is holding onto keeping Mom home as long as possible.

 
Old 11-24-2008, 11:03 AM   #7
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Re: Saturday's time for the Non Care-giver

That is a good question that I don't know the answer to Caring. I think you need to call up the lawyer that did it and ask for clarification. I do know that the lawyer we went to recently didn't see a need for such. Sister 4 is in the process of discussing this same idea in relation to her inlaws but in a discussion we had this weekend she had that same question and no answer.

So call up the lawyer and ask...... then you will have the correct answer for your situation and know how to proceed.

You answered my question. The fits may not be less but you deal with them differently. There is a way to cut off the angst and you, the non care giver (haha.. NOT) seems to be able to do it well. That gave me the first smile I have had today. You are so much more capable than you give yourself credit for. You may be the baby but you have the experience and intellegence to understand the reality of your situation.... and the insightfulness to see why others react the way they do. Be proud of yourself.... you do good things.

Love, deb

 
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