If I just decide I don't want to be the responsible party any longer what would happen? I'm tired of being blamed for EVERYTHING that happens and I need some rest in my life since I recently found out I have congestive heart problems and can't even afford the meds.
Let me explain ... About a month ago my brother decided to take my mom out of the nursing home and bring her to my house, which is her house, for a visit. SHe was confused, agitated and extremely tired when they left so the NH called me that night to ask permission to sedate her because she was walking up and down the hall hollering for her family and then they had to call again the next day.
The next week when I went to visit I was told that she could not leave the home for awhile, doctors orders. Well of course the brother is blaming me for telling the home to NOT let him take her out. And he even said as much to my mom.
I framed a poem and hung it in my moms room where it mysteriously disappeared along with the nail that was holding it up. Not only that, everytime my daughter or I take something over there it gets stuck in a drawer by one of the siblings.
So I'm at the end of my rope. I've filed for social security disability and IF I get it I plan to get the hell out of here and move as far away as I can. SO what happens if I just tell the NH I don't want the responsibilty any longer?
Thanks for listening to me rant,
Last edited by moderator2; 11-29-2008 at 01:48 PM.
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I'm sorry that you are having issues with your siblings. It seems that most of us who have siblings and are caregivers run into this one time or another. We are making a list of those siblings who are going to be 1) drown;2) shot;3)tarred and feathered;4)chocked. You are free to add your siblings to the list if you so desire! (We can do that, can't we Deb? check the manual..)
My guess would be that you would need to have the POA transferred to one of the other siblings. Telling the nursing home that you don't wanna no more usually isn't sufficient. That's like a toddler saying "no." What you need to do is to get the POA both medical and durable transferred-LEGALLY to another sibling. Then you are no longer the responsible one. Then you can be the one to take the pictures off the wall and hide things.
Hope this helps.....
BTW when your brother yells at you for your mother not be able to leave the hope-tell him to call the doctor. yeesh. And your mother obviously doesn't do well on out of NH visits. Can't he see that? why don't you just have a standing order written up by the doctor that she isn't allowed to leave the home?
Last edited by ibake&pray; 12-02-2008 at 09:47 AM.
The power of attorney has to be made out while the person designating authority to someone else is still in her right mind. Once they are diagnosed with dementia and acting strangely, the new person appointed is not the legal POA. I am afraid you may be stuck with it. However, you can distance yourself from the rest of the family and only deal with the questions coming from the nursing home. You can decide many things for yuor mother - you can decide that your brother cannot see her at all, or not unless he agrees to stay on the premises. You have the power over life and death if she ever goes into a coma and can not be resuscitated. Do you really want other family members to have that right? You also have the right to dispose of her money and property as you see fit, do your want the brother to do it?
I think you need to keep away from him but not from your Mom. Some people don't take a gentle hint - you have to lay down the law like a five star general. If it helps, have a doctor or nurse tell him. Don't give up, your Mom needs you.
Both Martha and IBake are right Texas. Discuss standing orders with the doctor and nursing home to keep your Mom where she needs to be.... even if you have to deny your brother visits until he realizes that you are not going to take his harassment. If brother calls and yells at you.... HANG UP!.... after you tell him that you will only talk to him when he can treat you with respect. Let him yell into a dead phone. It truly doesn't matter what he blames on you as long as you know that you are doing what is right. Yes, I have wanted to do everybody to my my sisters that IBake suggested.... until I realized that I only have to answer to myself. If they don't like what I do..... so be it. That is THEIR problem. Be confident in what you do, stand up for yourself, and don't let him get you down by hawking his own guilt in your direction. Martha is right...... you want the power that you have so you will be sure your Mom is well cared for. You just don't want the hassle. So don't listen to the hassle. You Mom evidently knew what she was doing when she gave you the POAs Hang in there.....
Thanks to everyone for their comments. I would never turn over her POA to any of my siblings since neither of them even know what medications she takes or really anything else about her.
I DID find out today that the younger brother WILL get the house when mom passes. I talked to the lady that has the will and she read it to me. SHe offered me a copy but I just don't want it in my possession. SHe told me that the will states that brother is supposed to let me live here as long as I live or as long as I want but I he'll put the house up for sale as soon as she passes.
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I also now find myself feeling very hurt that my mom changed the will in 2004 but like my son said, if the brother had told her to cut off her pinkie she would have done it but it still hurts my feelings since he never lifted a finger to help her.
Last edited by moderator2; 12-27-2008 at 12:12 PM.
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I have seen this same situation happen so many times..... Question? When was your Mom diagnosed with dementia? Did she have a previous will that suited you better? If she was diagnoses before the last will was made you can nullify that one without a lot of difficulty. We have actually done that to Mom's last will.... not that there was that kind of inequity but it was incorrect in the way it stated some of her wishes. Since it was executed after her dementia diagnosis it became null and void.... but there was agreement on all sides to do that.
My cousin was the one that did ALL the care for her mother. It was later discovered that her brother didn't even wait for the will. He moved everything to his name before his Mom died.... she signed it all over to him. My cousin had absolutely no recourse and ended up with absolutely nothing.
I do not know why it is true but many times there is one that does all the work and one that gets everything. I think it is the fact that those of us who are caregivers appear to be self sufficient, able to take care of ourselves and others. While those that do nothing appear to be needy. Therefore mom takes care of the needy. It's a warped thinking I know but the only explination I have come up with over years of watching this happen.
I do feel lucky that Mom and Dad insisted everybody the quartered into equal shares so nobody got more than another....
I am glad you are not giving up the POA. No matter what happens in the future your Mom needs you. You are her best advocate and you do what you do for your Mom... not what you might get in the future. You are the good daughter and are stepping up. You have to feel good about yourself. Let your brother live with what he has done because you will have NO trouble living with what YOU have done.
Keep that chin up and know you are doing what is right.....
Last edited by moderator2; 12-27-2008 at 12:12 PM.