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Old 11-30-2008, 04:08 PM   #1
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Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

I am the daughter of a 80+ alzheimers mom. I have had my own issues over the last several years with surgeries and divorce, broken foot.. lots of big life changes.
I had not been able to be of much help with my mother.
I finally was able to go see her in Michigan and my sister (who doesn't want a sisterly relationship with me ) was supposed to take one week and I the other.

She went first and hired a caregiver. My sister never took care of mom but instead allowed the caregiver to and then went to stay with her in laws on the other side of town.
I had a great week with my Mom.. got her to eat, got there when she started wandering and breaking things. I thought it was going well. I chose not to pick up my sister's calls as to not start another problem with her and the next thing I know...
My mother is beign picked up to go to Hospice and the caregiver is telling the police (first thing in the morning) that I pushed her..
WHAT?????
Not one member of my family has discussed this incident and I feel completely betrayed and ambushed.
This caregiver has lied about me and I never touched her.
She told my family that "she just didn't want to see me got to jail"
MY FAMILY BELIEVES HER.
I am a caregiver for another woman in California and would never even think to push someone unless they were in danger.
I am sick about this. Since this happened -- the girl has moved in (off her contract with the agency) and I can not stay at my mother's home when I come into town as she has convinced the family that I am violent. UNREAL>
My family is really dysfunctional --DUH
My stepdad is drinking , and bitter.
Any suggestion would be cool or any ideas on what I can do legally would be better.

Last edited by tarotfairy; 11-30-2008 at 04:16 PM. Reason: didn't finish

 
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Old 11-30-2008, 05:18 PM   #2
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

Please stay calm. This accusation could be based on several things, but most important is the fact that your mother has dementia and no one saw you push her (of course not, since you did not).

Often an elderly person will fall and get hurt, that is not a crime, and no one is blamed. But a person with dementia may make up an ''explanation, " not wanting to be seen as old, careless, helpless, clumsy etc - so your Mom may well have told this caregiver that someone pushed her. And she may have believed it. It is not clear that the caregiver made it up.

My Mom got black and blue marks very easily becuase of a blood thinning drug she had to take, and several people at her senior center asked her if her aide, or her daughter (me!) had hit her! Luckily my Mom was at that point not yet so confused that she would accept that 'suggestion' and agree.

So, as far as the law is concerned, if this whole accusation is based on what an Alzheimer patient told a caregiver they have no case against you.

I am sorry for the problems between you and your sister. I hope this can all be straightened out to everyones satisfaction. Maybe in the end it will be beneficial to all of you to have your Mom move to a good nursing home.

Good luck!

Martha

 
Old 11-30-2008, 05:19 PM   #3
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

Does your Mom had valuables or assets that this caregiver could have taken or be after? This all sounds very suspicious to me. She was given free reign by your sister but when you showed up her "party" was disrupted so she found a way to dismiss you. It just all seems very odd!! Could your sister have put her up to this charade? I would be tempted to put in a hidden surveillance camera to see what I could see. I would also check all of Mom's accounts to see what activity has transpired there. If there is nothing missing, no accounts tampered with, and nothing seems amiss in the way she is treating your Mom then she was perhaps fearful that your interference would cost her her job. I would definintely ask her why she lied after I checked out the possibilities.

The caregiver needs some proof of her accusations before she can make a case against you. With no criminal record, character references, and a little proof that this is not normal behaviour for you.... you have nothing to worry about. If she want to persue this false accusation you could always throw back you that suspect her from stealing from your demented old Mom and that is why she wants you out of the picture ::shrug:: Would hate for it to come to that but....what other reason might there be for such unfounded accusation about you? At least this would muddy up the waters long enough for you to figure out what was actually going on.

Keep calm and stay logical. Keep your eyes and ears open.... your instincts will lead you to the truth.

Love, deb

Last edited by Gabriel; 11-30-2008 at 05:21 PM.

 
Old 11-30-2008, 11:03 PM   #4
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Unhappy Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

]Please stay calm. This accusation could be based on several things, but most important is the fact that your mother has dementia and no one saw you push her (of course not, since you did not).
[I]Often an elderly person will fall and get hurt, that is not a crime, and no one is blamed. But a person with dementia may make up an ''explanation, " not wanting to be seen as old, careless, helpless, clumsy etc - so your Mom may well have told this caregiver that someone pushed her. And she may have believed it. It is not clear that the caregiver made it up.

The caregiver told me that my mother pushed her before the police showed up.

 
Old 11-30-2008, 11:09 PM   #5
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

Quote:
Originally Posted by DGabriel10 View Post
Does your Mom had valuables or assets that this caregiver could have taken or be after? This all sounds very suspicious to me. She was given free reign by your sister but when you showed up her "party" was disrupted so she found a way to dismiss you. It just all seems very odd!! Could your sister have put her up to this charade? I would be tempted to put in a hidden surveillance camera to see what I could see. I would also check all of Mom's accounts to see what activity has transpired there. If there is nothing missing, no accounts tampered with, and nothing seems amiss in the way she is treating your Mom then she was perhaps fearful that your interference would cost her her job. I would definintely ask her why she lied after I checked out the possibilities.

Family will not let me talk to caregiver. tried once, She lied to ME.

The caregiver needs some proof of her accusations before she can make a case against you. With no criminal record, character references, and a little proof that this is not normal behaviour for you.... you have nothing to worry about. If she want to persue this false accusation you could always throw back you that suspect her from stealing from your demented old Mom and that is why she wants you out of the picture ::shrug:: Would hate for it to come to that but....what other reason might there be for such unfounded accusation about you? At least this would muddy up the waters long enough for you to figure out what was actually going on.

I am completely baffled at why this woman would do this. She has moved in and I wonder if she's banging stepdad.. (sorry for the visual but what else could it be?

Keep calm and stay logical. Keep your eyes and ears open.... your instincts will lead you to the truth.

Love, deb

 
Old 11-30-2008, 11:12 PM   #6
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

Quote:
Originally Posted by DGabriel10 View Post
Does your Mom had valuables or assets that this caregiver could have taken or be after? This all sounds very suspicious to me. She was given free reign by your sister but when you showed up her "party" was disrupted so she found a way to dismiss you. It just all seems very odd!! Could your sister have put her up to this charade? I would be tempted to put in a hidden surveillance camera to see what I could see. I would also check all of Mom's accounts to see what activity has transpired there. If there is nothing missing, no accounts tampered with, and nothing seems amiss in the way she is treating your Mom then she was perhaps fearful that your interference would cost her her job. I would definintely ask her why she lied after I checked out the possibilities.

The caregiver needs some proof of her accusations before she can make a case against you. With no criminal record, character references, and a little proof that this is not normal behaviour for you.... you have nothing to worry about. If she want to persue this false accusation you could always throw back you that suspect her from stealing from your demented old Mom and that is why she wants you out of the picture ::shrug:: Would hate for it to come to that but....what other reason might there be for such unfounded accusation about you? At least this would muddy up the waters long enough for you to figure out what was actually going on.

Keep calm and stay logical. Keep your eyes and ears open.... your instincts will lead you to the truth.

Love, deb
This caregiver lies and has my family is believing this crap. They live on a Lake in a wonderful suburb and she was afraid to lose her job.

 
Old 11-30-2008, 11:15 PM   #7
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

I'm confused.... who was accused of pushing who? You said in your first post that the caregiver said that you pushed her (the caregiver). Now you said the caregiver accused your Mom of pushing her (the caregiver). Did she change her story? What did the police say or do.. if anything? I still say this is all very strange.....

Love, deb

PS... just read your next post.. I would definitely make sure I checked out this caregiver. Background check, dropping in at various times, I would stay at my Mom's if I wanted to.... and you might be smart to take somebody else with you. I would not rule out the hidden surveillance camera either.

Last edited by Gabriel; 11-30-2008 at 11:17 PM.

 
Old 12-01-2008, 05:01 AM   #8
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

Sorry I misread your posting, and thought the caregiver accused YOU of pushing your mother down.

You might want to consult an elderlawyer to make sure your mother is not being exploited. He or she would know what steps to take, from a security camera to a change of caregiver. Your sister needs to know all this too. If she believes everything the caregiver tells her, your mother may be in danger.

Martha

 
Old 03-16-2009, 09:04 AM   #9
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

I just dont know really what happened except that after talking iwth the caregiver that morning, she TOLD me that my mother pushed HER..RIGHT and right after that the police arrived. They were "warned" by my sister that they were going to have trouble with me hours before. Well, It is NORMAL, to be upset when you don't know that they are taking your mother to a respite hospice. I have no idea and was ambushed.Family is stil not talking to me and even placed mother in a home with out telling me until 2 weeks later. So ugly and unnessessary. I seriously would like to find that caregiver and sue her for defamation of character.

 
Old 03-16-2009, 10:55 PM   #10
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

This disease can totally destroy a family. It is not uncommon for a dementia patient to act impulsively. They lose the ability to control their emotions. My Mom hit the cargiver twice. That is when mom and dad ended up in assisted living. It is inappropriate to hit anybody, even with dementia, so we made other arrangements that were better for everybody. But the police were not called. The caregiver didn't accuse you of anything, but accused your Mom. It is probably better that Mom is in a care facility but it is inappropriate that the other family members did not let you know where Mom was. It sounds like there is more going on than this one incident.

At this point the best thing to do is drop the situation. It is done and over with no matter how inappropriate it was handled. I do hope Mom is adjusting well to her new surroundings. I hope you have been able to see her.

Cool heads need to prevail in this frustrating chaotic illness.

Love, deb

 
Old 03-16-2009, 11:29 PM   #11
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

The caregiver didn't accuse you of anything, but accused your Mom. It is probably better that Mom is in a care facility but it is inappropriate that the other family members did not let you know where Mom was.

Love, deb[/QUOTE]

Thanks Deb, But the caregiver DID accuse me of Assault, after my mother pushed her, she told my family that it was me that pushed her instead. She never renigged and even though, thank God, my mother is in better care, it has ruined my relationship with my siblings and stepdad. When I was 17, I had serious issues with my mom and her and I made our piece before she completely lost her memory. I love my mother to bits. My siblings don't believe that. I will be lucky if I hear about her death. That relationship was something that I had worked to get back for 7 years. It was something that I had worked very hard to get back. I am sober for 9 years. The caregiver knew that. She misconstrued everything that happened and was said. They had known her a month. She told them that I was drinking at noon.(OMG__no way). She wanted to move in there and was afraid that I was coming home to take her job...and I was.
She was moved in the next time I paid a surprise visit. I was treated like dog crap. I did nothing. I come from a really dysfunctional family and am the only sober person. You cannot imagine the destruction this has created. It is my birthday. I will not hear from anyone.
It was like losing my entire family in a plane crash.
It still makes me sick.

 
Old 03-17-2009, 12:02 AM   #12
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

Make sure you don't make any statements to anyone and you might as well contact a lawyer to protect yourself legally at least have a conversation with one to be sure someone knows this women has made false accusations about you to see what you might want to do about it. It is your word against her so unless there is an independent witness I wouldn't take it too seriously. Also I think I would contact the Ombudsman in your state to report this woman moving in with your mom and your mom is unable to protect herself or guard against theft...the Ombudsman should investigate to be sure your mom is not being taken advantage of by this women. And I would also contact the agency that this women works and or worked for and complain that she is taking advantage of your mom's mental condition by moving in and it is extremely unethical. Good luck and I am sorry your family is at such odds with each other....and I know even in this stressful time none of it will change...it never does.

 
Old 03-17-2009, 03:45 AM   #13
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

Happy Birthday! Sorry this issue is still not resolved. I wish I had advice for you. have you considered seeing a lawyer?

Love,
Martha

 
Old 03-17-2009, 08:40 AM   #14
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

I do hope you find a way to have a happy birthday.

Yes, there was more to the story. Things like this don't usually just happen out of the blue but come with history and baggage. Can I assume there were no charges filed against you? If so you must consult a lawyer. I am sorry your family chose to believe the stranger's tale. As Ann said... I would report it to the state agency and her employer. I am sorry for all the chaos this lady has put you through.

Happy Birthday...

Love, deb

 
Old 03-18-2009, 09:05 AM   #15
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Re: Outside Caregiver accused me of Assault ....

I went to the police, her employer, and they said she was working off the books and they didnt know it. They had no recourse. In Michigan, I tried to hire a lawyer, a PI to find her and sue her for defamation and alienation of affection of my family, but really-- she has nothing that I know of. I can not get them to listen tome because of what she apparently told them previously.

 
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